


Devastation

by MaresThird



Series: Devastation [1]
Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: AU, Angst, Depressing, F/F, Past Drug Addiction, Portland Thorns, Recreational Drug Use, Sad, USWNT, don't know why this story popped in my head, sorry i killed your favorites
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-13
Updated: 2017-12-10
Packaged: 2019-02-01 15:28:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 63,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12707739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaresThird/pseuds/MaresThird
Summary: The USWNT suffers a devastating loss when their plane crashes on their way to play in the World Cup in France, 2019. How do the survivors get through their injuries and loss? Specifically how does Tobin cope with the loss of her wife?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A total alternate universe. I would never in a million years wish for anything close to this to happen. Blame my dark, twisted mind for coming out with this. Sorry if the topic depresses you, offends you or anything else.

Thursday, May 26, 2022

Tobin shuts off the mower and removes her earplugs, the silence of the machinery and music startling her for a moment. She removes her hat and wipes the sweat off her forehead, running her forearm over her shorts. She puts her floppy full brim boonie hat back on her head, leans back in the seat and surveys her work. 

The pitch looks perfect. She’ll have to line it still, but the diamond check design looks pretty awesome. She’ll walk up the bleachers to get a good look at it from higher up, but she knows her lines are straight, the edges look perfect and the way the light reflects off the sun gives it the perfect two tone look she was after. Cutting the grass in opposite directions gives the look and the hybrid of grass looks sweet. It’s a cross between a perennial ryegrass, bentgrass and a little tall fescue thrown in for winter durability. 

It's taken two years of her careful nurturing for the fields in the sports complex to grow this stable in the Oregon climate and be proven to take the harshness of soccer play over a full season. Since her success with the new grass hybrid, she’s had requests for the seed and now her grass farm is showing a profit turning out ton after ton of the precious mix. 

She’s got a verbal agreement from Merritt Paulson, the owner of the Portland Timbers and the Thorns for replacing Providence Park with the blend this upcoming fall. Their grounds staff has been visiting her over the years to check on the playability, the color, the watering amounts and all the other science she applied herself to learn. 

Ph levels, acidic indexes, the vast array of herbicides to battle turf enemies. Two years ago, they laughed at her and shook their heads when she told them what the blend of turf seed she was using. They’re not laughing now, they’re drooling at the prospect of having it in their own stadium. In fact, they were so excited, they offered to come cut her fields this week because they knew she would be busy and wanted to take her time on this field. 

This field has to be perfect. The upcoming event this weekend needs some details attended to, but this field was Tobin’s most important one. Her sisters were coming. And the field needed to be perfect. 

She keys the ignition and drives the mower into the shed under the bleachers on the east side of the field, driving it up the ramps to get it off the floor. She turns on the air compressor and gets the hose and walks over to give the cutting blades a blast of air to remove the damp blades of grass from the metal shears. 

She smiles as she cleans the machine meticulously, thinking back to the PP guys when they first came around, needling her about how she babied her mower. She told them she had asked in her broken Spanish one the grounds crew about the pitch when she was in Brazil playing in the Olympics in 2016 and he readily showed her how he got his field so perfect. 

“Sharp blades,” he whispers to her as they stood next to a gleaming mower on a rickety ramp, handing her the nozzle of the air line, indicating to her to blow off the blades. She grinned as the small equipment shed was filled with minute grass shards, causing her to blink rapidly and sneeze. The ribbing she got from her teammates when she appeared on the bus coated in a dusty haze and smelling of fresh cut grass was totally worth it. 

The haze it produced and the sweet smelled released into the air stuck with her those years ago. Now those same men, and a couple of women, from the crew, grinned wildly at her when she visited Providence Park and they show her their new ramp and air compressor. She just shook her head with a smile and told them how much they’ll love the difference it will make. 

It did. Last season, the blended turf looked really nice, the grass looking lush and taking to the mower well. The crew wasn’t satisfied, not after they had cut Tobin’s field for the first time. A crew of twelve came, men and women, taking turns on the three practice fields she let them cut. She watched them afterwards, crawling in the grass, running their palms over the blades, looking critically at it from the bleachers, from the sidelines, with a drone from the sky. 

Merritt came out after that visit and shook hands with Tobin with a promise to buy her seed when she was ready. It was the beginning of Providence Park converting to an all true turf field. Tobin insisted on a second year of playing on the blend, wanting it to be perfect before she decided to release it to them. Merritt wasn’t surprised, he knew Tobin wanted to the best and didn’t want to disappoint any of them. 

She blows the blades out from under the machine and then gives the floor a blast of air, sending the residue out into the side turf. She grabs a water bottle from the fridge in the garage and exits, turning to lower the metal door and lock it in place. 

This area was for mowing equipment only, the next one over was for field maintenance and care. She opens the metal door, hearing the metallic ratcheting as it slides up and enters. Her field striper is in here, along with the paint and various non-chemical herbicides and other materials. The striper comes to life with her touch on the key and she rides it out to the sidelines on the far corner. The back of the machine has a metal mesh basket that contains her lining equipment, the strings and some cans of spot paint and tape measures. 

She turns off the machine and leaves the seat, grabbing a small hand held metal rod and moving to the sidelines. She uses the rod to pop up the field markers as she methodically walks the perimeter of the field, then she moves across the midline and finally she does both of the eighteen yard boxes and goal lines. 

She comes back to the wire basket, drops the rod down and grabs the coiled lengths of neon green string and walks to the corner of the pitch. She kneels down, separates the coiled lines and ties the end of the largest one around the first field marker and begins to string the pitch up. 

Once she has the entire the pitch strung, she gets back on the mower and begins to the spread the line, concentrating on keeping it straight, not over spraying, and moving down the field slowly. It takes her about two hours to complete the job. It normally takes her an hour but she took her time to make sure it was perfect. 

Satisfied with her job, she returns the striper back to her home and gets off it. She studies the wall to her left, wondering about the design the was going to put in the center circle. Two years ago, it was simply numbers. Last year it was initials. What should this year be, she wonders. I have no clue, she shakes her head with a sigh. 

She glances at her watch, it’s only eleven o’clock, she’s got plenty of time to figure it out. She decides to put it aside and think on it, so she exits the shed and slides down the door. 

She pats her pocket, making sure she has her keys and her pipe and slowly walks to the side to climb the bleachers. She glances up as she reaches the first level and spies a lone figure sitting in the center line in the second to last section of the stadium. A grin spreads across her face as she quickens her pace to reach her. 

“Hey there!” she exclaims, hugging her tightly, “I thought you were coming tomorrow?”

“Thought maybe we’d hang,” comes the reply, “before everything starts.” She releases Tobin from her embrace and reaches down into a small cooler and pulls two beers out. 

“It’s five o’clock somewhere?” she grins, offering one to Tobin. 

Tobin grins, twists the cap off and they clink their bottles together. “Oh HAO, I’ve missed you, bud.” She grins as they sit back in the seats and look over the pitch. 

“When did you get here?” Tobin questions. 

“You just finished lining the far goal.” HAO answers. 

“Oh, and you didn’t want to help?” Tobin grins. 

“Nah,” HAO laughs, “I know how you are about it, I would have just screwed it up.” She takes a drink. “Besides,” she says holding up an empty bottle, “I decided to get a head start.” 

Tobin lets out a laugh, happy to see her old friend from college. They’d been through so much, their lives intertwined so tightly, Tobin couldn’t imagine her life without her. From childhood friends to teammates, to training partners to being on opposing teams. Good times, the best times, to bad times and the worst times. They celebrated the greatest highs and suffered through the darkest of times with each other. 

“Field looks sweet, dude.” HAO comments. 

Tobin nods. “It has to be,” Tobin replies. 

“I know,” HAO replies softly as she sips her beer. “How’ve you been?” 

Tobin takes a drink, nodding and shrugging. “More good days than bad lately,” 

“Good.” HAO says simply. 

Tobin sets her beer in the drink holder in front of her and fishes her pipe out from her pocket along with the lighter. She brings the pipe to her lips, lights up and inhales. She passes it silently to HAO as she exhales, letting the smoke clear her lungs. 

HAO mimics Tobin and blows smoke out. “Fuck Tobin!” she exclaims after a moment, handing the pipe and lighter back to her. “You always have the best shit!” she laughs. 

Tobin laughs quietly as she grabs her beer and takes a swig, leaning back in her seat. 

“You talk to anyone? They all coming?” Tobin asks. She knows they are, she’s talked to them all as well. 

“Yeah,” HAO replies, nodding. “They’re all coming.” 

“How’s Ali?” Tobin asks as she takes another drink. The beer tastes good on this unseasonably warm day. 

“Better than the last time I spoke with her.” HAO replies. “She’s still in Florida, moved to a new place, close to her Mom.” 

They’re both quiet for a minute. 

“She’s seems like she’s in a better headspace.” Tobin says. “She got the job with Fox to announce the NWSL games so that’s awesome.” When the Lifetime agreement had expired, Fox swooped in and offered prime time TV slots and livestreaming on multiple secondary channels. Womens soccer had finally come to the big leagues. 

“Yeah,” HAO nods, “she’s pretty excited about that.” 

“I’m glad.” Tobin says, leaning her head back a little and draping her long legs over the seat in front of her. “I’ve been worried about her.” 

HAO is quiet. “We’ve all been worried about you, dude.” She says. 

Tobin turns to her head to look at her. “I’m doing alright,” she says. HAO just looks at her. “I am,” she insists. 

HAO shrugs, and sips her beer. She’s waiting for Tobin to speak. 

Tobin takes off her sunglasses. “I’m off the drugs.” Tobin states looking her in the eye. “I told you I went to rehab, in patient, this January and I’ve been clean ever since.” She moves her feet to twist them back in front of her. She turns in her seat to face HAO. “Pot keeps me sane. It's way better than any pills. I’ll have some beers,” she admits, “but not every day and never binging anymore.” 

HAO keeps her face neutral, which for her, is near impossible. Whatever Tobin tells her right now isn’t as important to her as how she is this weekend. The last three years for her have been epic shitshows of poor decisions. 

“My therapist is on board with it.” Tobin explains, “I’ve been much better since I switched and started seeing her. I’m back to running, working out a bit, eating healthier.”

HAO nods, knowing how Tobin struggled making the change. Her previous therapist, one of the team psychologists with the USWNT fed her a study diet of drugs that, she felt, led directly to her addiction problems. She has seemed happier since making the change, she’ll give her that much. 

Tobin has earnestly lied to her before, not intentionally, because Tobin really thought she was doing better. The reality was that she had been avoiding everything that had happened to her and was merely existing. 

Things had gotten out of control for Tobin, spiraling into a seemingly hopeless addiction to pills and her drinking didn’t help it either. The last two years had stressed out her friends and family, feeling helpless to see what their beloved teammate was struggling with. 

“Did I tell you I spread her ashes last month?” Tobin asks her. 

HAO’s face morphs into surprise. “You did?” 

“Yep.” Tobin replies, sipping her beer. “With her parents and sisters, by her parent’s house.” 

“Dude, that’s huge!” HAO says, sliding an arm around Tobin’s shoulder and squeezing. “How did it go?” she asks. 

“It was, like, sad, of course, but also happy?” Tobin says, struggling to find the proper words to describe it. “Like, it was like, freeing, and I know it was what she wanted, but I guess,” she shrugs, “I was ready?” 

HAO nods encouragingly at her. Tobin’s gotten much better about speaking to others about her feelings, but she still struggles sometimes. 

“I mean, I just, it just hit me that she wouldn’t want me to be this way.” Tobin continues, “She would want me to find happiness.” 

“I want to find happiness.” She finishes quietly, still looking at HAO. 

“Good for you, dude,” HAO says sincerely, “I’m really proud of you.” And she is. For Tobin to take this step is monumental. There were times she didn’t think she ever would do it. To let go. To begin to heal, truly heal. Not avoid her reality and mask her emotions with drugs and alcohol. 

Tobin shifts her position so she’s sitting properly in her seat. “So yeah,” she says, finishing the beer, “I feel better than I’ve ever been since everything happened. I kind of had an epiphany and realized how pissed she would have been with how I was acting and treating myself.” 

HAO nods knowingly, thinking how true that was. 

“I realized how I was letting people down, how important it was for me to reach back out to them and how I needed it for me just as much as they did.” She’s thinking about how she ghosted on most of the team, choosing to shy away from texts and calls and keeping visits very short. 

She shakes her head. “I’m still shocked how none of it got to the press,” Tobin marvels, “I know how bad I was.” 

“Yeah,” HAO comments, “I think it was because you rarely were in the public eye. You didn’t get a DUI or anything. That would have blown it up.” 

“Yeah,” Tobin agrees with a sigh. “I’m not proud of it, I’ll tell you that.” She says, looking past HAO at the cooler. “Is there another one in there?” 

HAO hands her another beer and gets one for herself. They open them at the same time, clink them together and drink. 

“I feel like I was under a really dark cloud for a long time. I couldn’t find my way.” Tobin admits. “I think I’m really ready now to start finding myself again.” 

“That’s good to hear, dude.” HAO states. She’s still not completely convinced. This weekend will tell her what she needs to know. She hopes, for Tobin’s sake, she’s truly ready. 

They talk about other team members, catching up on how everyone is doing. Tobin’s been talking to everyone more, especially in the last few months with the reunion coming up. She’s been more active in planning it, taking on responsibilities instead of just letting it happen at her place, others taking care of it. It hasn’t gone unnoticed and HAO’s phone has been blowing up with encouraging reports from her old teammates. 

They sit in a comfortable silence, the way only old friends can. 

“What’s gonna be in the middle this year?” HAO asks suddenly. 

A slow smile spreads across Tobin’s face. “Something sweet.” An idea slowing brewing in her head.

HAO nods. “That diamond pattern is really cool.” Tobin nods with a grin. 

“Are you ready for everyone to be here tomorrow?” HAO asks, knowing all of the details needed to pull this off. She’s helped out every year they’ve had it. “Anything last minute things I can help with?” 

Tobin shakes her head, “I’ve got it covered. Sinc’s got it under control. We’re in good shape.”

Christine Sinclair, former CANWNT Captain, former legend, like Tobin, of the Portland Thorns is not just a good friend to Tobin. She’s also an investor in this complex and her business partner. Their partnership officially started years ago over beers after their last match at Providence Park and drawings and diagrams written out bar napkins. Tobin had already purchased the land and was looking for someone to help her with the huge undertaking. 

The complex is the only one of its kind in North America. 

Having this complex be as completely self-sufficient as possible was important to Tobin and Christine. 

Tobin thinks of it as a testing ground for future fields to spread across the country and possibly the world. Her fields are a unique mix of grasses, the entire complex is powered by solar energy with the panels used in innovative ways. Solar panels ring around the top of each stadium’s crowd cover, panels are on the two team dorm buildings and the two indoor facilities. 

Rain water is captured off every building and the underground water management systems on the six playing fields. A cistern is buried nearby to draw the water off for use in watering the fields and supplying water to the two team dorm buildings and the main events building. Even’s Tobin’s house runs off the solar power and uses the recycled water. The water is purified on site and it tastes great. 

They send their trash offsite where it’s recycled and converted into energy as well. The extra concession foods are sent off after events to local shelters. They really tried to cover all bases and each year they review if they can make any other positive changes. 

“She around?” HAO asks. 

“She might be in the office still,” Tobin offers, “we had breakfast at my place this morning and then we reviewed our to do lists in her office and I came out here.” 

HAO nods, smiling a little at how organized Tobin’s become. There was a time in her life when this woman would just with the flow and bounced around, kind of shiftless, definitely homeless, but happily going through life, from place to place, enjoying every second of it. 

“You hungry?” Tobin asks her as she sips her beer. 

“Yeah, I could eat.” HAO nods. 

“Let’s go grab something.” Tobin suggests, “we’ll see who else is around, Allie and Kling said they’d be over to help with anything last minute or just hang out.” 

“Sounds good to me,” HAO states and stands up, gathering her empty bottles and the cooler. Tobin stands as well and grabs her two empties and the walk down to the exit and over the main building. 

They’re quiet as they walk, Tobin thinking about this weekend. This reunion wasn’t a happy one. It wasn’t one to celebrate another World Cup win or Olympic glory. This reunion was to gather together as a team, as sisters, to remember and celebrate the lives of the ones they lost on that terrible day. This reunion was the third anniversary of the plane crash and the day Tobin lost it all. This reunion was the third year that Tobin had lost the love of her life.

This weekend is for the living remembering the dead. 

This weekend is for their healing to continue. 

This weekend is for souls to be bared and stories to be told. 

This weekend is for Tobin to convince her teammates, her sisters, that she is doing better. 

This weekend is for Tobin to actually begin to seek happiness. 

This weekend marks the third year Tobin doesn’t have her wife.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reunion is about to begin.

Thursday, May 26, 2022

 

HAO had decided to stay in the dorms with Allie and Kling. Christine had gone home after dinner to sleep in her own bed, knowing tomorrow would be a busy day for herself. After hanging out with the women for a couple of hours, Tobin then left, grabbing her longboard and skating down the winding path back to her home, hidden in the trees a way off the main concourse. 

She finds herself doing something she hasn’t done in quite a few months, stationed on her couch, watching old videos. For the very first time since the crash, she doesn’t cry while watching the highlight reels of her wife in action. Taking on defenders, making them look silly as she plants, twists and then sends a rocket off her foot into the back of the net. 

Instead, she smiles. She smiles remembering these good times, how in love they were, their friendship before their relationship. She smiles thinking about how she was so nervous around the beauty, afraid to talk to her, mumbling her way through conversations. Stuttering when she gained the courage to ask her for a date. 

The screen flashes to the time they played together on the same team in the NWSL, Tobin doing her everything she could to feed her the best balls for scoring. They had won two championships while playing together. They were pretty unstoppable. The video rolls on to them being showered in confetti, Allie throwing it at them, rolling on the turf, happily exhausted. 

The screen goes blank for a moment and then the beach appears. Tobin smiles as she sees the two of them walking along, Tobin stopping to tie her shoe, even though she’s wearing flip flops. The camera shakes from Kling’s hand, who’s laughing at what an idiot the nervous Tobin was. 

Suddenly she’s on one knee, hand tugging at her beauty’s shirt to get her attention. Tobin is speaking but you can’t hear the words. Tobin remembers them exactly. 

‘You’ve changed my soul. I have never felt this deeply than when I’m with you. You make me think about topics that I’ve never entertained: love, real love, commitment, children, a family. Will you be willing to share this adventure with me? Will you be willing to continue to love me? Will you be willing to be my wife? Babe, will you marry me?’ 

She throws herself at Tobin who rises and happily spins her around, stopping only to actually put the ring on her finger. They kiss passionately and then Tobin lifts her up and spins her again. Suddenly, they’re surrounded by family, teammates and friends, celebrating the excitement. 

Tobin smiles, remembering the happiness. 

She smiles as the video rolls on to her wedding day. Seeing HAO and Ashlyn goofing around and sneaking beers before the ceremony. Her sisters Katie and Perry being the Maids of Honors, making sure all of the details are complete. Allie, Cheney and A-Rod tearing up as they see Tobin in her wedding dress. 

Smiles watching herself when she sees her bride for the first time, mouth dropping, eyes popping and recovering with a nudge from Perry. How her smile grew as she approached and they joined their hands. The ceremony, flashing by so quickly, but Tobin remembering it seemed to take Kelley forever to finally pronounce them married. Their kiss. Their excitement as they float back down the aisle, anxious for the party to begin. 

The wedding reception is rolling on the screen and that’s when Tobin smells her. Her distinct perfume. The room feels lighter. 

“Babe, I know you’re here,” Tobin says out loud. When she first caught that whiff of her perfume over two years ago, she thought she really had entered a new level of instability and possibly insanity. It scared her. Now, all she feels is comfort. She doesn’t come around as much as she once did, mostly through Tobin’s addiction phase, which she would readily admit she wasn’t exactly lucid for the visits. 

“I know you told me to find happiness, and I think I have.” Tobin states. “I’m not sure if she’s ready though. We’re both damaged goods.” She sighs, thinking of the new woman who’s popped into her life over these years. She’s not a stranger to anyone, especially since she was also on the National Team. 

Tobin felt she was a wreck after the crash if she were to compare themselves to each other. Hell, she could still bear to get on a plane, something Tobin hasn’t done in almost two years. Her wounds were much different, Tobin thinks as she absentmindedly rubs her neck, feeling the scars. 

“Babe, she confuses me so much, I’m not sure where I stand with her. She makes me nervous and she relaxes me. She can calm me down when I get upset, just like you could. She knows I’m a head case but I think she wants to be with me.” 

She looks down and spins her wedding ring. “Is it too soon? Am I moving on too quick?” she asks. The room is silent, she can still feel her presence. Tears do come to her eyes, “I’ll always love you. I will. I won’t let your memory fade. Will you be upset I’m moving on?” 

The scent grows stronger and then fades away, leaving Tobin confused. She feels like she doesn’t have an answer. She desperately wants to have an answer. She sits as the TV plays more game matches, but she doesn’t see it. She’s thinking.

Am I ready enough to maybe begin a relationship, she wonders. It’s only been three months since she’s been truly sober, but she feels she’s made some great progress. 

Tonight is the first night ever since she’s started watching her video that she hasn’t reached for a beer or popped some pills. It hadn’t even occurred to her. She looks down at the water bottle in her hand. 

Maybe. Just maybe. 

 

 

Friday, May 27, 2022

 

“Dude! That looks amazing!” HAO exclaims as they walk onto the pitch. The center circle is a sea of waves with a beautiful, multi-colored sunset and a flock of white birds flying off into the distance.

“Thanks,” Tobin replies softly. The idea came to her after lunch, leaving HAO with Kling, Sinc and Allie so she could get to work. 

HAO found her this morning in her office overlooking the main stadium, signing box after box of her freshly reprinted book. In 2017, while Tobin was out for the most of the season with a back injury, she wrote a book about her journey through faith and soccer. Carli convinced her to do it, sharing her own stories about her book, the writing, the signings, the comments and insisting Tobin had a story to tell that people wanted to hear. 

So, Tobin began on her own, referring to her years of old journals, spending her entire off season and part of the next preseason writing. Her agent shopped around the rough draft which resulted in a bidding war just for the publishing rights. 

The check she received for the publishing rights was used to purchase the land. The royalties from the book sales was used to create the complex. The book shockingly went crazy. Millions of people purchased it, church youth groups purchased it for lessons to use with the kids they worked with, sports teams made their athletes purchase it for mandatory preseason reading for the parts about resilience, passion, training and skills. Even though it was about soccer, Tobin’s writing style and content made it easy for any athlete to relate to it. She skillfully wrote of her faith in a way that wasn't heavy handed or preachy. It was just her beliefs.

It was published in thirty-seven different languages, reprinted countless times. Since Tobin was in season during this craziness, she only attended two book signings- one at Powell’s in Portland and the other at a bookstore in her hometown in New Jersey. She hated being the center of attention, nervous answering the same questions and smiling for photos, being surrounded by strangers but she willingly signed her books at those two events and after every match, feeling such emotions when people approached her. 

The stories they told her about her book being life changing. It blew her away every single time she heard it. She had no idea it was that powerful for people. To her, it was just her life and the areas she wished to speak about. She didn’t talk about her private relationships, she didn’t name names of past lovers. She didn’t speak ill of old coaches or coaching decisions. It was all about finding the positives in the negatives influences and how they can shape you. 

If she was blown away from complete strangers talking to her about it, she was floored when her teammates would come up to her in tears to talk about it. Her 2019 season in the NWSL was spent talking to the opposing teams after each match, hugging and discussing stories that were shared. 

She smiles remembering how she commented in an interview about how Harry Potter was her favorite series and how she got her teammates hooked on reading the books. Shortly after that and much to her surprise, she received a hand written note from J.K. Rowling, expressing her appreciation and complimenting her on her own book, even citing details, small details, letting Tobin know she actually read it herself and was extremely impressed. 

Tobin had only to turn to her left to see that note, proudly framed and hanging in her office amongst the smattering of other notes and photos of friends and family. 

J.K. sent another letter, this one much more somber and heartfelt offering her condolences over losing her wife and teammates, coaches and staff members. She cried for hours over that note, amazed at the woman’s kindness. 

 

 

Now, standing on the pitch, she felt her design was healing, it was all about it being time for herself, personally, to let go, and heal. She drapes an arm around HAO and pulls her in tight. 

“Dude,” she says quietly, “I feel like this year is going to make a difference.” 

“You do?” HAO asks, thinking about that statement. Each year, she feels positives from coming away from spending time with the team. Mostly the negatives were her worries over Tobin and a couple of others.

“I do,” Tobin says, giving her a genuine smile. “I really do. Maybe ‘cause, it’s like, the first year that I’m here, you know? Me, the real me. Not the drugged out one.” 

“Then it will,” HAO says, her voice breaking, fighting back tears, “we’ve really missed you.” 

Tobin looks at her, surprised by the burst of emotions. She pulls HAO in for hug, her own tears forming as HAO sobs in her arms. “I’ve really missed you guys, too.” Tobin cries, her voice wavering. 

They hold each other until the tears stop and they hear the familiar sound of a charter bus pulling in on the property and the air brakes releasing. 

Pulling apart they smile ruefully at each other as they wipe their eyes. 

“We should go greet the first wave.” Tobin suggests, taking a deep breath. 

“Let’s do this,” HAO says as she strides forward, Tobin a step behind her. Maybe, HAO thinks, maybe this year will be different, praying it will be for Tobin. 

Maybe, maybe this year will be different, Tobin thinks as she walks, maybe it’s time to let go a little. 

Their feet move in unison as they weave through the gates of the stadium and cross the landscaping to the main building where the bus is parked in front. People are milling around and suddenly Tobin is hit with a wave of panic. 

“Uh, HAO,” she says, grabbing her arm, “I’m gonna need a few minutes, okay?” She backs away, “I just need to get my head right,” 

“Want me to come with?” HAO asks, her voice concerned. 

“No, that’s fine,” Tobin shakes her head, “I’m just gonna go and chill for few and psych myself up.” She says and then sees the look HAO is giving her. “I’m not going to do anything stupid. I don’t have any pills or anything like that. I just, I just didn’t realize I need a little time to myself before this whole thing starts.” 

HAO sighs as she looks at Tobin. Her trust in her starting to crumble again. “Okay, just, like, don’t disappear, okay?” 

“No,” Tobin shakes her head. “I won’t.” she says. She sees HAO is unconvinced. “I won’t.” she repeats firmly. “I’ll be in the stadium. I just need, like a half an hour, hour tops.”

HAO nods. 

“I promise.” Tobin says gently. “I want to be here for this. I just need a little time.” 

Tobin’s sincerity pulls HAO back in, once again giving her the benefit of the doubt. She hates that she feels she can’t trust Tobin but she has to let her do her thing. 

“Don’t be too long.” She says as she steps up and hugs her. “We need you.” 

“I won’t be,” Tobin replies squeezing her hard. “I promise.” 

HAO watches as Tobin walks off, back from where they just came. She’s known Tobin long enough that the soccer pitch is where she feels the most comfortable, safe. She just hopes she doesn’t have a bottle hiding around anywhere in there. 

HAO sighs and turns to walk forward to greet those who’ve just arrived. 

 

 

Tobin sits high up in the bleachers, the sun blazing down on her field. She smiles looking at the center circle design, feeling a sense of peace that comes from it. That peace doesn’t last long as her mind brings her back to that fateful day. 

 

 

May 29, 2019 

 

“Flight 8342 will be departing shortly, we just have a slight delay and then we’ll be on our way.” The Captain is speaking this as the team boards. 

Tobin squeezes into the seat aisle with her wife. “Jill wants to talk to me about strategy,” she says, taking her wife’s hand. “I’m going to sit with her for a while and then come up here to snuggle with you.” 

“Okay, babe,” she says, smiling at her. “I’ve got that book to read, then we’ll sleep, yeah?” 

Tobin kisses her hand. “Yeah, we’ll sleep,” she grins. 

“No funny business! Not like last time, Tobin. We’re traveling for work!” she blushes, remembering their last flight when they joined the Mile High Club. 

“Of course, babe,” Tobin grins and gives her a quick on the cheek, “I love you, I’ll see you later.” 

She kisses her back, eyes shining, “I love you, too, I hope Jill isn’t long winded.” 

Tobin barks out a laugh knowing they both know that will never be the case. If anything, Jill can talk soccer for hours. Almost as much as Tobin can. The only thought keeping Tobin from chattering away with her the entire flight is getting back in the arms of her wife. 

She slides out of the aisle, walking through the main walkway towards the back, intentionally bumping her teammates with a grin as she passes. She slides into the seat next to Jill and grins. “So, did you see the set pieces we used in the last game against Seattle? I had a thought about making it work for us,” Tobin begins as they both settle in.

“Let’s hear it,” Jill smiles, trying to guess the set piece Tobin is talking about as she buckles her seatbelt. She flips open her diary and fishes her pen out. Years ago, Tobin approached her once after loss, timidly, asking her if they could talk about the game. She accepted readily, knowing how off the charts Tobin’s soccer IQ was, she’d seen her testing results, her mind was brilliant. Tobin awkwardly lead the conversation, asking shyly about her thoughts on certain plays and how they reacted to them. Once Jill made her feel comfortable, Tobin was asking how she saw the game, trying to envision it and then add her perspective on it. 

Jill came to appreciate the feedback, it was honest, it was always encouraging, Tobin never slammed other players or their abilities. She never asked to give her opinion on player selection or anything like that. She was professional, analytical and respectful. She knew it was a player and coach relationship and Tobin never stepped over the line. 

Dawn would always encourage Tobin to speak with Jill and sometimes the three of them would go and find a quiet place to just talk. Little did Tobin know, the two were slowly grooming her for a possible future coaching position. 

Tobin’s in the middle of explaining a scenario when they hear a huge noise and feel the plane shudder and tilt. They join everyone else and yell out in alarm as they plane begins to descend. 

“This is your Captain, prepare for an Emergency Landing.” A man’s clipped voice comes over the speakers. 

The flight crew begin speaking about emergency procedures but all Tobin can think of is her wife. She unsnaps her seatbelt to be with her when a firm hand pushes her shoulder down. “In your seat, it’s safer back here.” A grim looking flight attendant states. 

The plane banks sharply, throwing Tobin into Jill’s lap and then back in her seat. She scrambles to reach her backpack underneath the seat in front of her, pulling the straps on and moving it behind her head. Her hands shaking uncontrollably as she struggles to belt herself back into her seat. She grabs her brand-new neck pillow she bought at JFK upon realizing she had forgotten her lucky pillow. Her wife was insistent she needed something for the long flight to Paris so Tobin grudgingly bought the overpriced foam pillow. 

She puts it on backwards so it’s protecting her neck from crashing forward, the backpack hopefully keeping her neck from snapping backwards and killing her. She hears the loudness of the plane’s engines, the screaming in the cabin and she can only pray her wife isn’t as terrified as she is right now. 

Suddenly there’s a terrific slam, then a bounce and another slam, they tilt to the side and spin slowly and there’s a rush of air blasting through the cabin. Screams fill her ears, metal bending, groaning and the loud engines, it’s deafening. Her ears are ringing, she has her hand clamped onto the Jill’s as the plane continues to move.

Pieces of the metal start flying through the cabin, the plane tilts precariously and then rolls over. Tobin’s screaming as she hangs onto her seat for dear life as the plane rolls back to the upright position. It stops suddenly, sending her forward, slamming her face into the seat in front of her. Her head bounces off the tray table, cracking the plastic, when she feels a sudden pain in her head, her chest and her neck. 

This is it, she thinks, then something hits her and she blacks out. 

 

 

Friday, May 27, 2022

 

She’s panting, shaking and covered in sweat when a voice calls out to her. “Tobin?” There’s a pause. “Are you alright?” Concern and fear in the tone. 

“Yeah,” she replies shakily, rising from her seat and standing unsteadily with a hand leaning on the wall. “Just a rush of memories,” she shakes her head. “Kind of surprised me.” 

“Happens to me too,” the forward says quietly, sliding on the wall next to her, “not as much these days, but, boy, there was a time…” she trails off.

Tobin nods. She knows. She understands. You’d be out on a normal day just pumping gas and the smell would hit you and suddenly it’s jet fuel and you’re surrounded by screams and fire and you’re almost shitting your pants because you’re so scared. 

“It’s not as bad anymore,” Tobin says quietly. “I’m not as mental as I once was.” She feels she needs to hear her say this. “I think it’s because it’s the first day.” 

“Yeah,” she agrees, linking her pinky finger with Tobin’s. “I almost didn’t come.” She whispers. 

Tobin’s head snaps to look at her. “What? Really?” 

She nods slowly. “You know how my year has been. I wasn’t sure if I could do it.” 

Silence. Tobin’s knows that feeling of uncertainty. 

“What made you change your mind?” she asks slowly, nervously. She’s not sure she wants to hear the answer. 

“You.” She says simply and smiles at her. “The Tobin I know is back,” leaning her head against the wall, “and I really missed her.” 

Tobin nods with her head down, a small, wry smile on her face. “It took me awhile.” She admits. 

“You lost so much.” She states. “There’s no real timetable for getting over something like that.” 

“We all did,” Tobin replies, “in our own way,” 

“Yeah,” she sighs, popping herself back upright. “Do you need a minute or are you ready to see everyone?” 

“I think I need to run home and change real quick,” Tobin says, looking at her soaked shirt. “Maybe take a quick shower.” 

The forward swallows and then asks, “Can I come along?” 

“Yeah, I’ve made some changes since you were here last,” Tobin agrees, she tilts her head, “let’s go.” 

She stops before they leave the stadium and Tobin quickly pulls out her phone and texts HAO that she’s with her teammate and had to run home and will be back at the main building in about forty-five minutes. She smiles to herself, knowing she’s scoring some points with her friend and not letting her be worried. 

The forward wanders in and sits on Tobin’s bed, looking over the bedroom as Tobin is finishing her shower. She had aimlessly strolled through Tobin’s house, taking in the differences from when she was last there. The striking difference was the lack of photos and mementos of her wife. The boxes of her belongings that once filled the spare room are gone, the place actually looks lived in, in contrast to it previously being more of a shrine to Tobin’s deceased wife. Clean lines, a little messy, well, more like, lived in. It’s not as sterile as before. A few quirky paintings adorn the walls, Tobin’s personality shining in them. She likes it. 

Tobin’s getting dressed as they chit chat about the National Team, the World Cup qualifiers coming up and what chances they have in making it through to qualify. They can always talk about soccer. It’s safe for them.

“I just still can’t believe A-Rod is coaching the forwards.” Tobin says as she slips a cream colored t-shirt on, “it’s so awesome for her.” 

“Yeah,” she smiles, “she’s really good with them, too.” 

She curiously watches as Tobin takes off her necklace with the gold cross on it and sets it on the dresser, then she pauses and slowly slides off her wedding ring. She can’t help but gasp at being witness to this. Tobin puts the ring on the chain and puts the necklace back on, tucking it under her shirt. 

She stood up when she saw Tobin doing that, not even realizing she did until Tobin is standing in front of her. 

“Are you positive?” She breathes. 

Tobin nods, “Yeah,” she says, giving her a small smile.

They stare at each other until both of their phones go off, indicating a text message. Tobin reaches for hers and reads the message. “We’re late,” she grins at her. “how does this always happen?” She asks as she grabs a maroon snapback and places it on her head. 

“Just like the old times,” the forward grins back at her as she takes a step to leave the room. 

 

As they approach the main building, Tobin nudges her as they walk side by side. “It’s really good to see you. I’m super glad you came.” 

The forward gives her a dazzling smile, “It’s really good to see you, too.” 

They both unconsciously take deep breaths as Tobin holds the door open for her and they enter the lobby. The team is assembled in the multi-purpose room where drinks and appetizers are being served. 

“Look who’s late!” Abby yells as heads turn to see the two in the doorway. 

“It’s a tradition!” The forward says with a smile. Tobin grins at her. 

They separate to say hello to their teammates.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't kill me because I'm dragging it out, okay? Any clues to who her wife was?


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meeting up with the teammates and an important flashback sends Tobin reeling. 
> 
> Also, learning of the who Tobin's wife was and some of the players who didn't survive the crash.

Friday, May 27, 2022 

 

 

“You look awesome!” Cheney exclaims as she hugs Tobin fiercely. “How are you doing?” she asks, holding onto to Tobin’s shoulders to look her in the eyes. 

Tobin dips her head and nods, “Been having more good days than bad,” she smiles softly. Lauren knows this, they keep in touch regularly. “No pills. No binges.” 

“Oh, Tobs,” Lauren says, her voice trembling, “that’s great.” 

Tobin takes her hat off and runs her fingers through her hair and then puts it back on. “Yeah, it’s been a little over three months now.” 

Before their conversation can get deeper, Tobin feels someone jumping on her back. “Tobin!” a voice exclaims happily. Tobin cranes her neck to the smiling face of Emily Sonnet. 

“Yo, Sonnet!” Tobin greets, spinning around a few times as she laughs, “How’s it going, dude?” 

Emily slides off her and embraces her warmly. “Pretty good, T, pretty good. You?” 

“On the upside,” Tobin replies, her flat hand gesturing out to the side in a slide going up. 

“Good to hear,” she says, “Hey Lauren! How are you? And the kids?” 

As they all talk, more people come and go, greetings are shared, stories are told. Tobin’s feeling good, this isn’t as awkward as she thought it might be. Everyone is genuinely happy to see her and clearly concerned about her well-being. 

 

 

“This is really beautiful, Tobin.” Hope comments quietly as the two stand at the midline circle, looking at her design. Others are gathered and murmur the same sentiments. 

“Thanks,” Tobin replies, “it just felt right. “ 

The group is on the pitch, relaxing, drinking and kicking balls around, chattering away like old times. They move away and sit on the grass.

“You know,” Carli comments as she glides her hand over the perfectly cut turf, “I always imagined you’d be the one growing grass, just not for soccer.” She laughs. 

Tobin smiles at her, “Yeah, well, there’s some of that hiding around here too,” she says, shrugging, “you know, personal consumption.” 

“Well, let’s not bogart it!” Kling says, holding her hand out. Tobin gets her pipe and a lighter out from her pocket and hands it over. 

The pipe is passed around the circle of women. 

“Jesus, Tobin!” Sydney exclaims, “This shit is awesome!”

Tobin smiles, “It’s amazing how turf science can be applied to other crops.” She jokes. 

“What do you call it?” Casey Short asks as she exhales. 

“The Wave.” Tobin grins. 

“Fuck yeah, I feel like I’m surfing!” Morgan Brian comments. Allie had helped her take a hit, holding the pipe to her lips as she lit the lighter. She lost her left arm below the elbow in the crash. It didn’t stop her from coming back and still playing. She’s currently playing for the Chicago Red Stars. 

Marijuana use was deemed very quietly by USA Soccer as an appropriate tool for recovery a couple of years ago, thereby letting players partake during the season without judgement or offense. They were still tested for PEDs and other illicit drugs, but pot no longer turned heads. 

“You surf lately?” Syd asks, looking up at Tobin as she lays on her stomach. 

“Yeah, I did a little at the beginning of last month.” Tobin nods. 

“Cali?” Lauren inquires, knowing Tobin was there. 

“Yep, waves were wicked.” She grins. 

“Seen Becky around?” Syd asks, her voice low. 

“Yeah, she dropped by a couple of weeks ago,” Tobin replies, “said she was stopping by tomorrow.”

Becky was currently playing for the USA Para-Olympic team. She had lost her left leg in the crash. 

“She’s on her way back today.” Tobin supplies. The group nods. 

“She’s killing it.” Carli says, passing the pipe to Morgan. “She came in to train with me and Dawn last month. Fuck, she’s strong.” 

“I watched her game two nights ago,” Casey says, “she looks like she only lost a step, maybe two. So quick.” 

“Hatch looked fucking fierce,” Kling observes. “She was on fire.” Ashely had just started playing for the team, losing a hand and her left foot. 

“Tobs, you coming to the next home game?” Sonnet asks her as she lights up. 

“Thinking about it.” She nods. 

“Good.” Emily grins. “We win when you’re there.” 

Tobin lets out a laugh. “You win because you’re good.” 

“Nah,” she shakes her head. “You being there gets the stadium lit.” 

“Whatever,” Tobin grins, shaking her head.

The last two years, Tobin only sporadically went to Providence Park for home matches. She had kept a very low profile, especially when she had been drinking or popping pills. She only went with a buzz, not wanting anyone to know her addiction problems or how bad it had gotten. This season, she hadn’t missed a match. 

“Is Ali coming?” Hope asks, looking around. 

“Next bus.” HAO replies, sipping her beer. “Should be here soon. With Mittsy and A-Rod, too.”

“I haven’t seen her in ages.” Kling says. 

“She’s doing really good.” Allie says sitting down in the circle. “She’s announcing the Thorns game this week.” 

It was an off week for the Thorns and the other active NWSL players all had gotten clearance to come to the reunion. The league recognized the importance of it each year for the well being of their players and only scheduled matches on the following Wednesday to accommodate the event. The National Team also accommodated their calendar to the event so everyone would be available to attend. In fact, the USWNT paid the travel expenses of all allocated players. 

“Who’s speaking tonight?” Lauren asks. 

“Mittsy.” HAO replies. 

“Good call.” Carli nods, “She’ll do great.” 

Tobin looks around and sees Alex hanging with a few other players, slowly making their way over to their group. Alex looks up and sees her and gives her a small smile. Tobin gives her a warm smile and a head pop back. 

“Tobin,” she feels a hand on her arm. “The banners are really nice.” Lauren says. Heads swivel to look at the white fabric rectangles hanging from the second level balconies on the east and west side of the field. 

“Shit, dude,” HAO says, turning to see the other side, “I didn’t notice them earlier.” 

The banners are white with black trim with the players name and number. It's a new addition to the stadium. Thirteen on one side for the players with another ten on the other side for coaches and staff. 

Carli stands to look at the players’ side, shaking her head slightly as she crosses her arms, tears streaking down her face. Others get up to stand beside her and soon the whole group is looking at them. 

Lauren lays her head on Tobin’s shoulder, “You did good, kid.” She says quietly and rubs Tobin’s back. 

Tobin’s too choked up to speak seeing her teammates react so emotionally to her gesture. They’re all hugging each other, crying. She turns to Lauren, eyes glistening, and Lauren envelops her in a tight hug. 

“Sometimes I can’t believe they’re all gone.” Tobin says quietly, her voice wavering, “it’s just so unreal.” 

“I know,” Lauren says quietly, her voice shaking. 

Tobin feels a new hand on her back, “Me too,” a raspy voice says. Alex. Tobin and Lauren break free of their embrace only to add Alex into it. 

The women gathered on the field are quiet for some time, murmuring as they move from small group to small group, offering hugs, condolences and support. It’s real. Its gritty. It’s coming from players who were in the crash and those who played with them for years. It’s from a group of women with a common bond of soccer and a new bond: surviving a tragic loss. 

 

 

Tobin’s lying on her back, Alex next to her, Allie with her head on Tobin’s thigh. The group is all in a tight circle. Someone brought out a cooler and beers are being passed out. 

Tobin hands hers off to Kling, taking a water bottle instead. 

“Remember when Pinoe scared Jill in Honolulu?” Kling asks, a smile on her face. 

“Jill almost shit her pants from that!” Allie laughs. 

“Pinoe doing her impersonations.” HAO comments. 

“She had the worst accents.” Hope shakes her head. 

“Remember when she faked out you and Carli into thinking Tobin pranked your room?” Lauren says to Hope. 

Hope laughs, “I was so convinced you did it Tobin,” Hope says, “I had no idea it was her.” 

“Plastic bugs in the beds, plastic ants in the shower and bathroom,” Carli shakes her head. “And that fucking spider on the wall!” 

“I’ve never heard you scream as loud or as high pitched as you did then.” Tobin laughs. 

“Yeah,” Hope giggles, “Pinoe set you up too so you looked so guilty.” 

“Thanks for the water bucket over my bathroom door,” Tobin says looking at Carli and Hope. 

“Don’t forget making her piss herself that movie night.” Lauren laughs. 

“Who does that?” Tobin exclaims, “I mean, really? Putting my hand in warm water?” 

“You do pee a lot.” Alex nods, “Seemed like a perfect one.” 

“At least I peed on your bed.” Tobin wiggles her eyebrows at HAO. 

“Yeah,” HAO laughs, “didn’t appreciate that one too much.” 

“We said we were sorry.” Carli states. 

“Yeah, after the candy wrapper incident.” Tobin nods her head. “Do you know how many laps I had to run when Dawn found those in my room?” 

The entire group laughs. “What happened?” Sonnet asks. 

Hope and Carli grin at each other. 

“So, we really thought Tobin was behind the prank,” Carli starts. 

“And we wanted to get her back, like, over the top, back, so we planted a whole bunch of candy wrappers, soda cans, and empty chip bags in her room.” Hope finishes. 

“Alex helped us out.” Carli nods. All heads turn to Alex. 

“What?” Alex says, looking at them all, “I was young and stupid, they intimidated me.” 

“Bullshit!” Carli laughs, “You were all in!” 

“Really?” Tobin looks at Alex, a small grin on her face. Alex didn’t do much with pranks and this is the first time she’s hearing that she was involved. “You of all people!” 

“Well, we needed your roommate to comply.” Hope says. 

“And maybe we did suggest that she could get worse.” Carli admits. “Just a little.” 

“You guys fucking threatened me!” Alex squeals, pointing at them, shaking her head. 

Hope shrugs, “Anyway, we had Alex fake an injury and called Dawn in to see her.” 

“Her face turned so red when she saw all of that crap, so poorly hidden!” Carli laughs. 

“Poor Tobin,” Hope adds, “walking in to see Dawn and all that crap, stuttering it wasn’t hers!” 

The group is roaring with laughter. 

“So that’s how it went down, eh?” Dawn’s voice rings out as she approaches the group. Heather Mitts, Amy Rodriguez and Ali Krieger flanking her. 

“Maybe I should have you two do some laps or pushups to vindicate Tobin.” She says as the players all stand to greet her. 

“It’s cool, Dawn,” Tobin laughs, “I don’t think they’d survive.” 

Hope shakes her head. “This old goalie don’t run.” 

“Come on Coach,” Carli whines, lifting her leg and tapping on the metal prosthetic, “you wouldn’t do that to me, would you?” she whines, going for the sympathy route. 

“Lloyd,” Dawn says sternly with a small smile threatening to blow her cover, “your last mile was only forty-five seconds past your time in 2018.” Now she smiles. “I don’t take bullshit from my assistant coach.” 

Laughter erupts as everyone moves in to greet their new additions. They grow quiet when HAO suggests they look at the center circle and the new banners. 

Ali bursts into tears upon seeing the design, nearly collapsing. Alex holds her with Allie hovering, both of them murmuring softly to her. When she composes herself, she looks at Tobin, giving her a teary eyed, sad smile. 

Tobin nods at her, hands in her pocket, turning away before she loses it herself. 

There are two rules about the reunion. Rule 1: no posting on social media. You could take photos of the banners, the center circle, those who are gathered, but you can not post to the public. Rule 2: no talking to media about it. Those former players who are in the media respect it. It’s a private event meant to be shared by those affected by the crash. It’s a time to be in a safe place, to not be judged and to lean on others for support and healing. Both rules have been maintained and nobody has violated it. 

It allows everyone to be themselves without having to think of the public’s opinions or judgement or anything. It lets everyone relax. 

Dawn is the only coach invited to Friday night. The rest are coming tomorrow. She knows how to handle most of them. Tobin was always a mystery to her, seeing her suffer so greatly left her troubled. Learning the Federation was being an enabler to her problems, made her furious. 

It was Dawn who sat Tobin down on a surprise visit, the two of them looking over one of the practice fields, to make the suggestion to change her therapist. Really looking at Tobin’s struggles led her to believe that she didn’t have much of a choice, due to the persistence of her Federation therapist insisting she be medicated. It was an eventual slide into addiction. A panicked phone call from HAO and then from Lauren put Dawn into action. 

Tobin resisted initially, not wanting to abandon the trust she had, in the therapist and the Federation. She felt she would be turning her back on them. Dawn successfully persuaded her to try someone new, someone in Portland she could talk to face to face instead phone and video calls. 

That was last November. When Tobin called her in January and told her she was going to be unavailable for a while and why, Dawn was so happy. Tobin sounded scared, but she could hear the quiet confidence in her voice that she would take this inpatient rehab seriously. She was determined to kick it. She knew it was time. 

Dawn hugs Tobin fiercely, feeling overjoyed at how well she seems to be. She always felt Tobin was a bit of an empath, feeling other’s pain deeply, being so sensitive, introverted, absorbing her teammates emotions and trying to help them before she helped herself. It was clear to her that Tobin had benefitted greatly in focusing on herself for a change. 

“You look great,” Dawn says, her accent clipping the air. 

“I’m feeling pretty good,” Tobin smiles at her. Her eyes clear, although a little stoned, but not the lifeless look she had carried in them for years. 

“I can see that,” Dawn smiles at her, thinking that just maybe Tobin was beginning to find herself again. 

A-Rod slams into Tobin, nearly knocking her off balance, arms flailing as A-Rod clutches her and holds her close. She has her hand on the back of Tobin’s head as she holds her. “My kids still haven’t stopped talking about seeing you last month. They’re so excited to see you tomorrow.” She says quietly. 

“It was really great to hang with you guys,” Tobin replies, pulling back to look at her. “You really helped me get in the right headspace then.” Tobin had stayed at Amy’s house a few days before going over to her former in-laws to scatter the ashes. Tobin had desperately needed some guidance and courage before that undertaking and Amy was there for her. Late night talks, early morning walks, playing with her children. It was the best choice Tobin had made in a while. 

“Seems like you’re in pretty good headspace now.” She smiles at her. 

Tobin looks down and nods. She looks back up and looks her in the eyes, “I’m getting there.” There's a quiet determination in her eyes. Amy nods.

Heather and Ali appear next to them. Ali holds out her hand with an expectant look. Tobin grins and digs her lighter and pipe out, handing them over. 

“I hear this is exceptional,” Heather grins, raising her eyebrows. 

Tobin shrugs, feeling a little uncomfortable at this occurring in front of her former coach. 

“I’ll be the judge of that,” Dawn proclaims, taking the pipe and lighter from Ali while Heather huffs. Dawn smiles at Tobin as she passes the pipe and lighter over to Mittsy. She shakes her head. “Nice blend,” she grins. Tobin laughs, “Thanks,” 

“Have we already made the grass farmer joke?” Mitts asks, smiling at Tobin. 

“Yeah, Carli mentioned it.” Tobin replies easily. 

Mitts looks disappointed, “I need to get here earlier,” she grumbles, hooking an arm around Tobin. “So, what’s new?” 

Tobin shrugs, “Uh, just going day by day, ya know?” 

“Oh, don’t believe her,” Allie states as she stands next to Dawn, “her book was just reprinted, again,” emphasizing the last word, “Providence Park is going with her turf for next season and so are about ten others. Just in the US, right now.” 

“So, your other grass is just as exceptional?” Heather cheeses, showing teeth with a big smile, proud of herself. 

Tobin laughs, “Yeah, you could say that.” She glances around, noting Ali still looking at the banners. It makes her a little nervous. 

Ali turns and glances at Tobin, gives her a quick smile, “I’m gonna go grab a beer, anyone want one?” they shake their heads and she moves off. 

Dawn and Heather drift away, HAO calling to them to come sit. 

“Still a little weird between you guys?” Allie asks frowning at Tobin, her head tilting in Ali’s direction. 

“Yeah,” Tobin sighs, frustrated. “I’ve tried, you know, to talk, but she…” she trails off, shaking her head. 

Allie nods, leaning in to kiss Tobin’s cheek, “She’s still working on it,” she says quietly, “we talk still, she just, she feels bad how she treated you.” 

“But I” Tobin starts. 

“I know, babe,” Allie soothes, “she isn’t ready for your forgiveness.” She rubs Tobin’s back with a hand. “Let her come to you.” 

“Okay,” Tobin nods, “I will.” 

 

 

March 2, 2020

“Just go.” Carli insists. “Find an island and disappear for a while.” 

“But I” Tobin starts.

“You need to stop and relax for a while.” Carli cuts in. “Get your head straight before preseason.” 

Tobin has tears in her eyes. 

“Tobin,” Carli says kindly, “you need to focus on yourself. You’ve been going hard since everything happened. I don’t even know if you’ve begun to figure out what really happened. Go. Think.”

Tobin nods, she can’t speak. 

So, that’s how Tobin found herself on a desolate private island somewhere in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by the Pacific Ocean for two weeks. She let her family and friends know she was going away and then took off. 

The remainder of the 2019 year was grueling for her. Once she was recovered from her injuries from the crash, she jumped back into training with the Thorns. She needed soccer. Soccer was all she had left. All she asked of her coaches and the PR staff was that she would only speak of soccer, no personal stuff. 

She was doing well until she had to get on a plane for her first away game. The panic attack freaked her and the team out. The staff swarmed around her, a few of them convincing the flight attendants it would be fine while one of the trainers forced Tobin to swallow some pills making her quiet down quickly and slide into her seat, passing out. 

That became the new routine for her, take a couple of pills before boarding the flight, wobble off the plane hours later. The training staff would flush her system with an IV later, at the hotel and she would resume her normal training and play the game. 

Much of that time was foggy to Tobin, not even realizing how she was allowing this to happen to herself and ignoring the painful truth that she was only running from actually trying to absorb and understand and heal from the plane crash and the deaths of her teammates, coaches, staff members and her wife. Soccer was all consuming to her. 

Somehow she made the plane trip to the island, threw her bag on the bed and sauntered out to the beach. She sat down on the warm sand and watched the waves. Days passed and she found a groove. Wake up, surf, eat a small breakfast, smoke some weed and veg out on the beach. Surf later, eat dinner, drink some drinks and watch the sunset as she thought about what the fuck she was supposed to do with herself now. The pages of her journal were empty. She had nothing to write.

Somehow, her days began to go off the rails, smoking weed before surfing, getting careless out in the ocean, taking on dangerous waves. Her attitude shifted to not caring if she would live through those surf sessions. Her surfing buddies were dead. Kelley and Ashlyn. Just gone. All those memories only left with Tobin now. 

She sobbed every night as she laid alone in bed, missing Christen terribly. 

One day as the sun was beginning to set, a hopeless Tobin dragged a fifth of Jack Daniels, that she scored from the bar of the resort, out to the ocean with her as she sat on her surfboard. Her main thought was just to get blind drunk and fall into the ocean. She rides the waves as she attempts to empty the bottle. Fuck soccer, she thinks. Fuck all of this, she thinks. Fuck being here. She just couldn’t bear to live with the memories of her friends and her wife being her responsibility to carry now. She didn’t want it. She takes one last swig, tosses the bottle and slides off her board into the warm water. 

 

 

Somehow, she woke up on the beach, on her stomach, near her towel, vomit on the sand next to her. She blinks rapidly as she opened her eyes against the bright sunlight, seeing a shadow looking down on her. She looks up to see Ashlyn Harris, looking furiously at her. 

“Dude!” she yells, “What the fuck are you doing?” Ashlyn squats down to look at Tobin closely. “You’re fucking everything up. Get your shit together Tobs, you’ve got stuff to do.” 

“I don’t want to be here.” Tobin cries, “I can’t do this anymore.” 

“Bullshit!” Ashlyn spits. “You’re the strongest person I know. You can do this.” 

Tobin shakes her head, closing her eyes. “This isn’t happening.” She feels a rough shove on her shoulder. 

“Don’t make me get all supernatural on you.” Ashlyn warns, “I’ll start haunting your fucking ass and really make your life Hell.” 

Tobin suddenly sits up, anger rising. “I don’t know what the fuck to do, Ash!” she yells. “I miss Chris so much, it hurts so bad. I don’t know how to live without her. Without you guys.” She buries her head in her hands, sobbing. 

“Go back to your room, Tobs, get off the beach. Your back is getting sunburnt. Go to your room.” Ashlyn says, her voice softer. 

Tobin turns to get up and her stomach lets her know it wasn’t agreeing with her choices from last night. She gets on her knees and drops her hands to the sand and vomits violently. She feels a hand on her back as she retches. 

She spits and coughs a few times, and then slowly gets to her feet. She looks around and sees she’s alone. What the fuck was that, she wonders. 

She slowly trudges through the sand back to her oceanside hut. She’d left the sliding door open, so she just walks through it and sits on the couch. She lays her head back into the cushions and closes her eyes. Her hangover raging. 

“Really? Get drunk and fall off your surfboard?” A voice says sarcastically. Kelley. “I can see the headlines now.” 

“What is this, a twisted version of the A Christmas Carol? You fucking haunting me?” Tobin says, annoyed. She has a headache, she feels like shit. 

“Well, yeah,” Kelley says, punching Tobin in the shoulder. Hard. “Especially if you’re going to do stupid shit like this.” 

“What the fuck else am I supposed to do?” Tobin says angrily. 

“Fucking grow up, for one,” Kelley responds, her eyes alight with anger. “And two, maybe try stopping from drinking yourself into oblivion and making some really stupid choices.” 

“It hurts too much to be here.” Tobin responds, her voice breaking. 

“Oh, fuck that!” Kelley yells at her. “You think it’s any picnic for me to watch you drown yourself and pull your ass out of the fucking ocean because you’re being an idiot?” 

“Sorry to put you out, you should have just left me.” Tobin responds lowly. 

“Dude, you have so much else to do, I couldn’t let you do this to yourself.” Kelley says earnestly. 

“I’ve got nothing to live for here, KO.” Tobin beings to cry. “I miss Christen so much..” 

“Dude,” Kelley says softly, “Go to bed, go lay down and get some rest. You look like shit.” 

Kelley pulls her off the couch and leads her to her bed, Tobin falling carelessly into it, passing out quickly. 

 

 

Tobin smells the perfume first. She slides onto her side, nuzzling her face into the pillow. “I know you’re awake, you can’t ignore me.” Christen’s soft voice filling her ears. 

Tobin sleepily opens an eye to look at her. “I miss you,” she cries. 

“I’m here,” Christen smiles at her, “I’ll always be here,” She's lying next to Tobin on the bed, on her side, smiling softly. 

“I don’t know how to live without you,” Tobin sobs, curling into the fetal position. 

“You do, silly,” Christen says, leaning her head on her hand looking at Tobin intently. “You need to find yourself again, babe.” 

“I wasn’t anything before I met you,” Tobin cries out, “I want to be with you,” 

“Tobin,” Christen says softly, “I need you to try, babe,” she softly traces her fingers on Tobin’s arm. 

“You have more to accomplish in life.” She says simply. “You need to find your happiness,” 

“I was only happy with you,” is Tobin’s miserable reply. She’s sobbing. 

“You will find happiness with someone else,” Christen smiles at her, “I want you to be happy and she’ll love you.” 

“I don’t want anyone else!” Tobin sits up, “I want you!” she yells. 

Christen shakes head slowly, still smiling. “Lay down, babe,” Tobin falls to her side, still crying. Christen takes her in her arms. “Tobin, you were the love of my life, and I’m sorry we didn’t stay together for long. I love you, babe, but you’ve got to dig deep and be strong for me. You’ve got to find a way to be strong.” 

Tobin falls back onto the bed, whimpering, “I miss you so bad, Chris,” as she falls into oblivion as she lets her exhaustion take over. 

 

 

When Tobin awakens, hours later, she convinces herself it was all a dream. She blows off the bruise forming on her shoulder as a drunken tumble or knocking into something. But deep down she knows, she will never try to kill herself again. She doesn’t speak of it to anyone, but she feels maybe she should try to get herself together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so grateful of the feedback and loving the comments and kudos! 
> 
> Just an FYI: this story is completed already. I mean, I have to still write it, but the outline is complete, the individual chapter outlines are complete and I'm usually running 2-3 chapters ahead of each published one. Meaning I'm on chapter 6 now. 
> 
> So, I'm absolutely loving the comments and seeing how you're fining clues and picking up the details. Apparently I'm on a Talex kick right now, but, there will still be Preath. So, I guess y'all can get the best of both worlds? Although, one of them is a supernatural one. 
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoyed it- tell me how you feel. Just, be gentle, okay?


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A New Kids reunion. Some soccer. Learning more about Tobin's past and how much she and Alex have grown closer. The evening's dinner remembering those that were lost. Some Talex sexual tension.

Friday, May 28, 2022

 

Tobin snaps out of her reverie, hearing the noise of those around her. Dawn is clapping her hands to get them to assemble for a warm up. Tobin’s standing on the sideline, hesitant to come and play. She hasn’t played the last two years, mostly because she was drunk off her ass both times. She heads towards the bench to sit, giving a smile to Carli, Ali, Lauren, A-Rod, already seated, drinking some beers. 

Tobin leans back on the bench, enjoying the feel of the sun. It’s a beautiful day, perfect for soccer. Not too hot, ideal for shorts and a t-shirt, you’d certainly work up a sweat but not how they’ll play today. Today is easy, simple passing, some easy defense, no tackles, just some back and forth. It’s just fun.  
It doesn’t take long for Tobin’s thoughts to drift away as she watches her friends play. 

 

Saturday, September, 21, 2019

 

The crowd roars as the Thorns take their positions for kick-off. Tobin is standing along the left wing, near the sideline, waiting for Sinc to take the first touch when she sees the flash of red and white out of the corner of her eye. It’s a Chicago jersey, the player with dark hair and suddenly Tobin is out of her game mode. 

Her throat feels like it’s starting to close, she raises a hand to it, grasping at it, trying to get air. She suddenly feels terrified, not able to breathe, on a soccer pitch. Tears begin to flow. She bends forward, a hand on her knee, her breathing becoming more difficult. She can’t hear anything except the pounding of her heartbeat. She grows dizzy and falls forward to her knees, feeling a hand on her back and when she looks up she sees the concerned face of her coach, Mark Parsons. 

Of course, she was stationed on the sideline, not too far away from him to begin with. He’s talking to her and she can’t understand anything he’s saying. 

“Can’t breathe,” she croaks, and the sounds of the stadium snaps back to her ears. It’s quiet. Players from both teams are gathered, Allie next to her, tears in her eyes, looking terrified. Tobin’s wheezing, the trainers are in front of her, trying to assess what’s going on. 

Tobin starts hyperventilating from seeing everyone look so scared, she panics, thinking something may really be wrong with her. Suddenly she feels arms under her elbows, lifting her, her legs wobbly, then going out. The hands change position and she’s being carried right to the tunnel and into the training room. She’s still wheezing, sweating profusely, feeling lightheaded. Her blinking slows down, she feels so tired. 

She glances up and sees the team doctor coming in, looking grim. They lay her on the table with the back elevated so she’s somewhat sitting. An oxygen mask is placed over her mouth and nose. The heavy feeling in her chest begins to lessen slowly. 

“Just can’t breathe,” she repeats, her voice strange through the mask. The image of the oxygen masks falling onto her as the plane went down flashes through her mind. Then later in the hospital. She shakes her head. 

Soothing voices are speaking, telling her to relax, lean back and close her eyes. She’s tired, so she follows their directions. 

She doesn’t know how long she was out, but as she comes to she can hear someone speaking. 

“I’m pretty sure it was a panic attack. All her vitals are fine. Her pulse ox is fine. It’s her head.” The team doctor says. 

It’s my head, Tobin thinks, I’m so fucked up. I just fucking freaked out in front of 20,000 people. 

“Something triggered it, probably playing Chicago.” The head trainer agrees.

Tobin turns her head to the side, slowly opening her eyes. She looks at them with dull eyes. 

“What’s wrong with me?” She croaks, her voice raw. 

Her phone blows up with texts and calls from her National teammates. All offering support. All being encouraging. All letting her know she wasn’t alone.   
After consulting her Federation therapist, a new pill was introduced and Tobin dutifully took it before each practice and match. She doesn’t remember what it was, all she cared about was that it let her play soccer. 

 

Friday, May 28, 2022

 

Tobin had watched one of those matches with her new therapist and was appalled by what she saw. There was no grace to her game, she was mechanical. She didn’t celebrate with her teammates, when she scored she just walked back to her position, shrugging off her teammates as the celebrated. She clearly wasn’t herself. 

Jo, her new therapist, was slowly opening Tobin’s eyes to show her how she was manipulated and used. Those from the Federation and the Thorns may have honestly thought they were helping her, but in fact, it was slowly destroying her. Destroying her spirit, her passion for the game and hindering her chances of mentally recovering from the devastating crash. 

Tobin stands up and stretches her arms over her head. She glances over to the others, engaged in conversation. She looks at the field, hearing the laughter and cat calls and teasing and kicks off her sandals. She turns to the right and slowly begins her warm up along the sidelines. 

Soon A-Rod and Lauren join her, silently doing the routine. Tobin can feel the tears streaking down her face and she doesn’t care. She knows she needs to do this. This is where she belongs with the only other people in this entire world who have the understanding of her pain. Her teammates. Her family. Her sisters. 

Tobin approaches the sideline after warming up, A-Rod and Lauren by her side. The three huddle together as Tobin finally loses it, crying on their shoulders as they cry with her. They break free after a few minutes, noticing the field had grown a bit quieter. 

“You ready?” Lauren asks, her voice nasal from crying as she wipes her eyes. Tobin nods, flinging her sunglasses off, wiping her eyes as well. 

“Let’s do this,” A-Rod, grabbing each of their hands. Everyone looks on as they watch something that hasn’t happened since Lauren retired. 

The New Kids jump on the field and run off to their positions. 

It feels exhilarating to Tobin, she feels so free. “You ready Baby Horse?” she calls out to Alex, using her long ago nickname. Across the field, Alex can only nod and give her a thumbs up, wiping the tears from her face. 

“Bring it, Heath!” Exclaims Kling with a smile on her face. 

“A hundred bucks says she nutmegs Kling three times!” Carli calls out from the bench, a smile plastered across her face. Others shout that they’re in for that, forcing Carli to whip out her phone and note in the bets. 

In the next thirty minutes of play, Tobin nutmegs Kling four times, Sonnet twice and serves up two crosses for Alex to score. None of them are taking it easy on each other either. 

When Dawn announces that next goal wins, it’s Tobin launching a rocket from outside the box to score. 

Alex grabs Tobin in a hug, swinging her around, off her feet in celebration. 

 

A stack of money lands next to Tobin’s plate at the table. She looks up and sees Carli smirking at her. It’s her winnings from the game. 

“Give it to Sinc to tip the staff, okay?” Carli says and heads off with her plate in hand to another table to eat. 

Allie scoops up the pile and begins to count it. She gasps and the rest of the table looks at her. “There’s fifteen hundred dollars here.” 

“That many doubters, eh?” Tobin grins cockily, blowing on her knuckles and wiping her fist in her shirt. 

Kling gets up from their table, grabs Tobin’s snapback off her head. 

“Hey!” Tobin protests. 

“I’ll be back, just relax.” Kling demands. Suddenly, she’s on the small raised platform and has the microphone. 

“Listen up losers!” she announces. Conversation stops and all heads turn to her. “Carli has generously donated her winnings from today’s match to tip our servers.” She says looking around the room. “I’m passing the hat for the rest of you to make a donation.” She steps down and hands the hat off to Morgan at the table closest and steps back up. “Those who doubted Tobin’s ability to make us look like idiots on the pitch are exempt. We already gave at the office.” 

“How many staff do you have working this?” Alex leans over to ask Tobin quietly. 

“Just the chef and four college kids.” Tobin answers back. Alex nods. 

“You looked great out there, Lex,” Tobin says softly, smiling at her. 

“So did you,” Alex grins and bumps her shoulder. 

Allie clears her throat loudly and grins at the two, “Mark would love it if you came back and just payed home games.” 

 

Tobin laughs, “Nah,” she says, “I’ve gotten kind of used to not having turf burns and bruises all over me.” 

“There won’t be turf there next season,” Sonnet states, her eyebrows raised. 

“Not happening, but thanks,” Tobin smiles. She’s made peace with leaving competitive soccer. It took her overcoming her drug and alcohol problems to do it, but she did. 

The hat plops down in front of Tobin, narrowly over turning her glass of water. It’s over flowing with money. 

She stares at it. 

“I’m betting it’s at least five grand,” Kling states as she takes her seat. 

“Including Carli’s or?” Allie clarifies. 

“Grand total.” Kling replies. 

“Twenty bucks, just this table.” Lauren says, she’s sitting across from Tobin. The team is so competitive that hardly anything ill pass without a bet being made. 

“Under,” Sonnet says, putting a twenty on the table. 

 

“Over,” Tobin says with a small smile without putting any money out. She knows these women and their generosity. Plus, she doesn’t have any money on her. 

“Let me see the hat,” A-Rod insists. 

“No counting!” Kling whisper shouts. 

“I’m not, I just want to see it,” A-Rod says as the hat is passed. She pulls out some bills and tosses them in. “We didn’t get included.” She says, passing it to Lauren. The hat goes around with each of them contributing and soon it’s back front of Tobin. 

“Over,” Allie says. 

“Over,” Lauren bets, sliding her twenty in front of her. 

“Over,” A-Rod nods putting her twenty out. 

Kling looks at the table and then the hat, “Under,” she smirks. 

“Over,” Alex says, twenty tossed to the middle of table. 

Allie begins to pull bills from the hat and starts counting. Conversation begins to flow as she counts. 

“You ready for the bonfire?” Sonnet asks Tobin. 

“Bonfire?” she questions. 

“Yeah, tonight after Mittsy speaks.” Emily says. 

“Uh, sure,” Tobin says, nodding but unsure about it. She feels a hand on her leg, squeezing her thigh. Tobin turns her head to see Alex still eating, who then looks up and smiles at her and squeezes her leg again. 

Tobin usually never made it to the bonfire and if she did, she doesn’t remember it. Allie, Lauren and A-Rod know this, Kling suspects but Sonnet has no idea. 

Loud laughter from another table distracts them from the uncomfortable silence that fell over their table. 

Tobin clears her throat and takes a drink. “So, Cheney, A-Rod, how are your rug rats?” she asks, changing the subject. 

Lauren and A-Rod launch into some funny stories about their kids and how their soccer aunts spoil them. Everyone is laughing and the good vibe is restored. 

“Holy shit!” Allie mutters under her breath. Tobin turns to her with expectant eyes. 

“There’s nearly seven thousand dollars here.” Allie states quietly. The rest of the table goes silent and looks at her. She just puts up five fingers splayed out on one hand and two on the other. 

Money is exchanged quietly at the table Tobin setting her winnings on top of one of the stacks, the other winners doing the same. 

Tobin pushes her chair back and stands up, “I’m going to lock this in my office,” she explains grabbing a couple of stacks. Alex quickly joins her, reaching for the piles of cash. “I’ll help.” She offers. 

The two leave the room with their table looking after them. 

“So,” Kling says, taking a long drink, “is this 2012 all over again for those two?” she looks around at the others. 

Lauren and Amy shrug, “Maybe?” A-Rod offers. Tobin’s been pretty tight lipped on her and Alex to them. 

“She told me she went to Florida and stayed with her after she saw you in New Orleans.” Emily supplies. 

Lauren nods. “She doesn’t talk about it.” 

“Neither does Alex.” Allie shakes her head. “But she’s certainly happier than before.” 

“It’s just a good thing Servando was as classy as he was through everything.” Kling says, “I would have killed him if he’d been an asshole to Alex about it all.” 

The table nods in agreement. 

 

“Tobin, where are the lights?” Alex asks nervously as they walk down the dark hallway. 

“3-2-1,” Tobin counts down as the hallway is flooded with light. 

“How’d you do that?” Alex asks, letting go of Tobin’s arm. She didn’t realize she had been holding on to her in the dark. 

“There’s motion sensors that activate the lights,” Tobin explains as she fishes her keys out in front of her office door, “it saves energy.” She turns the lock. “Especially since I always forget to turn the lights off.” She grins, looking back at Alex as she enters the room. The lights turn on as she walks in. 

She sets the money on her desk and moves one of her book boxes and opens a small wall safe behind it. Alex hands her the cash from her hands and then hands her the rest from the desk, letting her fingers linger on Tobin's. 

“Thanks,” Tobin says, closing the small door and spinning the combination face. She stands up and looks at Alex. “Want to see something super cool?” 

“Sure,” Alex nods. 

“Give me a second,” Tobin says and trots out of her office. A couple of minutes pass, Alex looking out the window at the field, which has deep shadows casting across it as the sun begins to set. 

A moment later, she sees the stadium glowing orange as the lights begin to warm up. A spotlight shines down on the center circle, the banners lit from other banks of light. 

Tobin is soon at her side again. They stand there silently watching as the stadium comes to life. 

“It’s beautiful,” Alex murmurs, putting her arm around Tobin’s waist. 

“Yeah,” Tobin agrees quietly, her eyes on Alex.

Alex glances at her then turns her head to face the window, blushing furiously. 

Tobin looks out, eyes scanning the banners. Please, babe, she thinks, let me know this is okay. She takes a deep breath and looks at Alex. “We should head back,” she says, “we don’t want them to start speculating.” she smiles softly. 

Alex smiles and turns around, leading Tobin out the door, “A little speculation never killed anyone.” 

Tobin grins as she sets the lock on her door and trots to catch up with her. 

 

The two slide into their seats, ignoring the raised eyebrows from those sitting at the table just as Heather Mitts walks up to the small stage.

“Hey guys,” Heather says, pulling a chair up with her. She stands there, looking scared and small. “When Lauren asked me to speak tonight, I almost said no.” She says, running a hand through her hair. “You’d think, me, being nervous to talk to you guys about our team?” she scans the group, shaking her head. “When have any of you known me to ever be at a loss for words?” she questions as chuckles respond, knowing how outgoing she is. 

The lights begin to dim as a screen drops behind her from the ceiling.

“I sat for a couple of hours wondering what to say and how to do this. It’s hard,” she says, her voice trembling, “never in a million years would I ever think I’d be standing here, in front of you guys, doing this.” 

“After much deliberating and crying to Foudy about what to do or say, I got inspired. Foudy, by the way, told me to suck it up and use my brain.” Laughter rings out from the group, many have heard Julie Foudy tell them to use their brains after poor matches. 

“I was scrolling Twitter and someone I know retweeted a fan’s tribute video. I watched it and it touched me.” She says and she looks out. “I want you to check it out. Maybe you’ll see what I see.” 

She takes a seat off to the side so she can watch. 

The YouTube logo pops up and the screen goes black. 

The music starts playing, Tobin recognizes it as Now and Forever by Carole King. It was at the end of one of her favorite movies A League of Their Own. 

Photos flash of the roster in 2019. Their smiling official roster headshots, those living coming first. Then came the candids and screen shots from Instagram and videos. Some of the silly ones caused Tobin to laugh, the smile never leaving her face. 

“I thought this was cool too,” Mittsy says as the next one begins. 

It’s a fan created pump video of the best plays of 2019. The tears flow down Tobin’s face as she watches her wife make some spectacular goals. Number 23 flashing across the screen, pulling down cross after cross for goals. Lauren’s hand snakes around Tobin’s shoulder and Tobin glances at her, smiling. 

Alex leans over, “She was amazing, Tobs,” and pats her thigh. 

Tobin nods as she watches, then the screen fades to show Ashlyn Harris being a brick wall in the goal. 

The video continues, focusing on each player lost in that horrible plane crash. 

Christen Press

 

Ashlyn Harris

 

Andi Sullivan

 

Mallory Pugh

 

Megan Rapinoe 

 

Lindsey Horan 

 

Kelley O’Hara 

 

Lynn Williams 

 

Alyssa Naeher 

 

Samantha Mewis 

 

Jane Campbell 

 

Sofia Huerta 

 

Kealia Ohai 

 

The darkness lingers after the video is done. Everyone can hear Mittsy getting herself together. 

“Thirteen amazing women. Thirteen teammates. Thirteen friends. Thirteen significant others. Thirteen sisters.” Mittsy stands up. “There’s no rationale of them being gone and you guys being here. The Big Guy made a choice and it was out of all of our hands. Taken from us too soon. Much too soon.” She takes a drink. 

The lights slowly come up. 

“I’ll never know the amount of pain you all hold in your hearts. It makes me cry how much sadness I hold, let alone knowing yours is so much greater. But how amazing if this? Coming together to remember those we love and keep our bonds strong. Because it’s us here, right now. We need each other. You guys, you need each other. Only you can share your fears, your sorrow, with these other women here. We’re here for you. If you’re willing to talk, we’ll listen, if you’re willing to just be present here, we’ll sit with you.” 

She eyes the group assembled, “You all made a commitment to each other when you agreed to walk through these doors tonight. You’re here. To remember, to laugh, to cry.” She sniffles a little. “To tell stories, God, the stories.” 

She moves to stand in the middle of the raised platform. 

“Tonight I’d like to say a little prayer. Lord, we’ve gathered here to mourn the loss of those we love. Please be present with us as we grieve their loss. We miss them so dearly. We’re all hurting so badly. Help us to find the right words to say to our friends, to be the best we can for our sisters here tonight. To add another healing piece to our hearts, our minds and bodies. Let us all get something positive from this gathering. Let us be who we need to be. In You name we pray, Amen.” 

Soft music begins as the Mittsy leaves the stage, Abby standing up to hug her tightly. Soft murmuring is heard as they all start to quietly speak again. 

Tobin wipes her eyes, feeling relieved she made it through without sobbing. Her memory of this part of the evening has been hazy from previous years. This is the first time she’s lucid for the event. She turns to Lauren as she wipes her eyes and gives her a small smile. Lauren squeezes her shoulder and leans over to hug her. 

Lauren slides her hand up to hold Tobin’s head. “You doing okay?” she asks softly in Tobin’s ear. 

“Yeah,” Tobin replies, her voice husky from emotions. 

They break apart, Lauren looking her over critically. Satisfied with her evaluation, she gives Tobin a kiss on her cheek and lets her go. 

Tobin stands and looks down at Alex, who’s still wiping her eyes. Alex glances up, gives her a rueful look, and stands to hug her. “It feels different,” Alex complains, “I’m not sure what it is, but if feels different this time.” 

Tobin doesn’t know what to say, so she just holds her, swaying a little to the beat of the soft music playing. She rubs Alex’ s back, hoping she feels comforted. Alex squeezes her harder, letting out a soft, quiet cry. She doesn’t cry often so doing it here makes her uncomfortable. But knowing everyone else is probably crying as well gives her some courage to just let it go. 

“She loved you very much,” Tobin says quietly. “You guys became great friends.” 

Alex lets out a snort and pulls back to look at her, “Yeah after I got over my ego.” 

Tobin smiles, “Well, yeah,” she shrugs. “Duh,” she grins. 

Alex smacks Tobin’s arm, “You know she loved you so much.” Alex states. “We’d talk about you, which was weird, given our past, but it was really good, too.” 

Tobin looks at her, raising her eyebrows a little. “Really?” 

Alex nods, a small smile on her face. “Yeah,” 

“Huh,” Tobin remarks. 

“Anyway,” Alex says, rubbing Tobin’s upper arm, “she knew exactly how you loved her. Don’t ever doubt it.” She smiles at her and then walks off, heading to another table to visit.   
A-Rod appears next to her. “How are you?” Tobin asks her first. 

Her head nods, her eyes are still a little wet. “Good,” she says, “You?” 

“Surprisingly alright,” Tobin says, shrugging. “It wasn’t as awful as I thought it might be.” She gives her a sad smile, “I don’t really remember this part of the night,” She shakes her head, taking off her snapback and running a hand through her hair. “I kinda feel like an ass,” she says, shifting her weight. “I mean, I know was here, but I wasn’t really, you know?” 

A-Rod nods and grabs Tobin’s right hand. “You’re here now and that’s what matters.” 

Tobin nods. “Yeah,” she says. “Okay,” 

HAO walks up looking at the two. “What are you talking about?” she asks. 

“Being here in the now,” Tobin states as she slings an arm around her. 

 

 

Tobin feels Alex lean her head on her shoulder. They’re gathered around the large fire pit, Alex snuggled up against the bench, Tobin leaning on her. Alex wraps her arms around Tobin and sighs. 

“Tired?” Tobin questions. She feels Alex nod in reply into her shoulder. It’s been a long day and most of the others have left to go sleep in the dorms. 

“Want me to walk you to your room?” Tobin asks. 

“Yeah,” Alex answers as Tobin leans forward to get up. She extends a hand and helps Alex up. 

“Goodnight,” Alex says, still holding Tobin’s hand. “I’m turning in,” 

“So am I,” Tobin adds, “I’m heading home for the night.” 

“Not staying in the dorm?” Allie questions with an arched eyebrow. 

“Nah,” Tobin answers, shaking her head. “Not with you pranksters lurking.” She smiles. 

HAO laughs, “Chickenshit.” She pulls Tobin in for a hug, Tobin lets go of Alex’s hand as Alex is hugging Allie. “Goodnight, dude,” she says, letting her go.

“Goodnight,” she says as Allie hugs her. 

“Make sure you get home tonight, Tobin.” Allie whispers in her ear. 

Tobin nods, “Yeah, don’t worry,” she says quietly. 

Tobin and Alex walk off together, side by side, bumping shoulders as they navigate towards the back door. 

“Thanks for being there for me today, Lex.” Tobin says as she opens the door for her. Alex passes her, eying her. 

“Always,” Alex replies just as quietly as they walk down the hall to her door. “Thanks for being there for me, too.” 

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Tobin says softly, not wanting to disturb anyone in the rooms. 

“Get some sleep, okay?” Alex instructs, “You look really tired.” 

Tobin nods, not sure if sleep will come. She’s had troubling sleeping before this, but she thinks it more about her anxiety of the event. Now that it’s going on, she might sleep.   
They stare at each other nervously for a minute, Alex’s eyes glancing to Tobin’s lips. 

Tobin clears her throat softly. “Sleep tight,” Tobin smiles and turns to leave. Alex grabs her hand and pulls her in for a hug. “Sleep well tonight,” Alex whispers as she hugs her. 

“Thanks,” Tobin says, squeezing her closer, “You too, Lex.” She lets her go and watches Alex enter her room and then walks down the hall alone, back to her house. 

She finds one of her longboards in the dorm lobby and uses that to skate back to her place. It’s quiet out, the birds long past their bedtime, only the insects and frogs are out now.   
Tobin gets inside her place, moving in the dark to her bedroom. The room is stuffy from the heat of the day, so Tobin cracks a window open and takes her shirt off and then her shorts. She goes into the bathroom to use the toilet and washes her hands and face and the brushing her teeth. She clicks the light off and throws back the covers on her bed, pulling the sheet out more. She slides into bed, thinking about how it went. As she shifts to get comfortable, a smile comes to her face, feeling pretty good about everything. 

She doesn’t want to overthink anything, but she feels pretty decent about where she and Alex stand. She knows they aren’t on the same page yet, but also knows that she will be able to talk to her about it. That’s what maturity does for ya, Tobin thinks, finally learning how to communicate your feelings. But what about Christen, she wonders, is it too soon to start a relationship with Alex. She doesn’t necessarily care what others think about it, but she is concerned. Is it too soon, she wonders as her eyes shut. She sighs and turns to   
her side, punching her pillow before resting her head on it. 

Just be here in the now, she thinks to herself as sleep overcomes her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me for those who have perished.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobin and Alex have an eventful morning talking about their relationship, Alex's plans for the future and an incident which could have become disastrous if not for Tobin's quick thinking.

Saturday, May 4, 2019 

 

Christen wipes the loose hair away from Tobin’s face.

“Mmmm, good morning,” Tobin smiles as she opens her eyes, her voice low and throaty. Tobin cranes her neck forward for a kiss. Christen smiles as she leans in to bring her lips to Tobin’s. 

“Game day!” Christen giggles as she lays her head on Tobin’s chest. 

“Yeah,” Tobin says, “We’re gonna win. I can feel it.” 

“Well, we have to get moving, it’s an early game.” Christen says, slowly getting up. “I’m gonna take a shower.” She leaves the bed. Tobin watches as her naked wife walks slowly to the bathroom. When she hears the water start, she gets up and trots to the bathroom to join her. 

 

They’re in the car and Christen is driving to Providence Park. Tobin is drinking her coffee in the passenger seat. 

“Babe,” Christen says, her voice strained. 

“What?” Tobin questions, seeing Christen’s eyebrows scrunched in concentration. “What’s wrong?” she asks, her mind running through all of the possibilities of what Christen could be upset about. 

“You know how we talked last night?” Christen asks, Tobin nodding. They had a serious conversation about their future. They agreed that Christen would begin IVF treatments after the Olympics. 

“I just, uh,” Christen fumbles for her words. Highly unusual for her. She swings the car into the Player Lot and puts it in park, engine still running. “There’s one more thing about it I need to tell you.” 

Tobin unbuckles her seatbelt and shifts to face her. “What is it, babe?” she encourages. 

Christen looks at her and grabs her hand, squeezing it tight. “I need you to promise me something Tobin.” She says seriously. Tobin looks at her expectantly. 

“I need you to promise me that you would find happiness.” Christen says, looking at her seriously. “If something were to ever happen to me, I need to know you would find happiness in someone else.” 

“Babe,” Tobin starts. 

“No, I’m dead serious.” Christen says. “I love you and I know you love me, but if something ever happened, I want you to be happy.” 

“Nothing’s gonna happen,” Tobin says, squeezing her hand. 

“We don’t know that,” Christen argues, “I need you to promise you would find happiness.” 

“I promise,” Tobin says, wondering where the Hell this came from. “Only if you do the same,” she says smiling. 

“Tobin!” Christen raises her voice. “I’m not joking around. If we think we’re going to have a family and all of that, I need you to promise me this.” 

Shocked by her tone, Tobin shrinks back in her seat. She sees tears forming in Christen’s eyes. Tobin gulps back at her guilt of not reading how serious she was. 

She leans forward, taking both of Christen’s hands in hers. She looks her in the eyes. “Christen, I promise I will find happiness in the way off chance that anything would ever happen to you.”

“Thank you,” Christen breathes as she closes her eyes. She lets her hands go but Tobin grabs them again, holding them tight. 

“Wait!” Tobin cries out, looking at her intently. “You’re not sick, are you? Something isn’t wrong, is there?” 

“No!” Christen exclaims, her eyes shooting open. “No, not at all.” 

“Then what prompted this?” Tobin asks, bewildered. 

“I just need all my ducks in a row,” Christen says, eye dropping. “I couldn’t ask to have a child with you if I didn’t know for sure that you would find someone else to help raise it if I wasn’t here.” 

Tobin quickly gets out of the car, causing Christen to panic, thinking she upset her. As she fumbles with her seatbelt, her door opens. Tobin’s standing there, arms open for a hug. Christen shuts off the engine, gets out of the vehicle and into her arms. 

“We’ll be together until the end of time, babe,” Tobin says softly, swaying slightly as she holds Christen. “My instinct is to tell you that I’ll never get over you,” she says, kissing her lips softly, “but I understand now what you’re asking of me.” 

“I just want you to be happy.” Christen says, her voice small. 

“Let’s both agree to find happiness if something ever happens to one of us, okay?” Tobin asks, looking in her eyes. 

“Okay,” Christen agrees. 

“Good,” Tobin says, “now pop the trunk, let’s get our gear and go kick some ass, alright?” 

“Yeah,” Christen nods, as she clicks the remote to open the trunk.

“We good?” Tobin asks as she slings her bag over her shoulder. 

“Yeah,” Christen smiles, “you know how I get,” 

“I do and I love you for it.” Tobin states giving her a quick kiss as they walk hand in hand into the stadium. 

 

Saturday, May 29, 2022

 

Tobin shakes her head remembering that conversation as she dips her head under the hot water of the shower. She wonders if Christen knew something would happen, if that’s what prompted the conversation or if it was just her nature to tie up the loose ends going through her analytical mind. She turns off the water and steps out, grabbing a towel to dry herself as she walks into her bedroom. 

She opens her closet staring into it. Contemplating what to wear for the day. She smiles as she selects her black World Champions t-shirt, pulling it off the hanger and throwing it on her bed. She whistles as she gets ready, looking forward to seeing friends and family. 

Saturday is open to others to come and share with the team by invite only. Friends and family come, old coaches come. Tobin would usually disappear this day, hiding out on the grounds or holed up in her house, drinking and failing to gather her courage to face the people she loved. Usually HAO would find her, holed up somewhere, sometimes passed out, sometimes wildly drunk and high on a cocktail of drugs. 

They’d argue and then Tobin would be filled with grief for days, only spurring herself to drink away the pain. She’s had long talks with HAO since, expressing her apologies and gratefulness for how she looked out for her. HAO’s been awesome, Tobin knows she still doubts her sobriety, but she’s willing to prove herself to her longtime friend. 

She hurries to finish getting herself together, checking her shorts pockets for her phone, keys, her pipe and lighter. She knows she won’t smoke much today, but she’ll take one hit   
to calm her nerves. She’s seen her family recently, her Mom and brother came to visit earlier this month. Two months ago her Dad came out and they remodeled her bathroom together. She speaks regularly with her sister Katie. Her sister Perry has stayed away, still pissed at Tobin for her many transgressions. It makes Tobin’s heart ache knowing how badly she’s disappointed her sister, they’ve made a little headway, at least she answers Tobin’s calls now. 

They don’t speak often, Tobin always initiating the calls. Each time, it’s quick, but lately it seems like their chats are getting a little longer. Tobin plans to ask her if she can visit her for day, maybe do lunch. If Perry’s receptive to it, Tobin will pack her bag that day and hit the road. She has no clue if she’s coming today. She didn’t ask her Mom when she talked with her last week.

Tobin quickly stuffs some clothes and toiletries in her battered old backpack, not the one she had during the flight, but the one she bought after that. Her old one is still packed in a box with other items from the crash. 

She shrugs on the backpack, fishes her pipe out, takes a hit and grabs her longboard to skate over to the main building. She looks at her watch, breakfast hasn’t started yet, so she’ll be nice and early. She straightens her back as she coasts on the board, feeling a bit proud of herself that she’ll be one of the first people to breakfast. 

The last couple of years, HAO and Lauren would come to her house and drag her out of bed and into a cold shower. She didn’t want to disappoint either of them this year. 

Tobin is sitting alone at a table, playing with the wrapper of the sugar packet she added to her coffee in the large room where the workers are preparing the breakfast service. She had stepped back into the kitchen to snag a cup and greet everyone. 

It occurs to her that she is seeking redemption and forgiveness from people here this year. She’s disappointed so many, she feels pretty stupid and a lot like an asshole. 

She sighs and feels a hand on her shoulder, causing her to flinch in surprise. “Geez!” she exclaims, holding a hand to her chest, “Are you a ninja this morning?” she asks, turning to see a smiling Alex Morgan. 

“Only if my skills can get me a cup of coffee.” Alex smiles sweetly at her. 

“They should be bringing it out any minute,” Tobin replies, pushing her mug towards as she sits down next to her. 

“Good morning,” Alex says, bringing the cup up to her lips take a drink. 

“Good morning,” Tobin smiles, “sleep well?” 

Alex nods, “Better than I have in a while. You?” 

Tobin nods, “Yeah, I slept good, feeling pretty good.” 

“You looked deep in thought when I came in,” Alex comments, looking at her. 

“Oh, you know, that early morning evaluate your life stuff,” Tobin replies, grinning at her. 

“You do that too?” Alex asks, “I thought I was the only one,” 

“Just thinking about all of the people I disappointed.” Tobin shrugs. 

Alex nods, “Well, it wasn’t as if there weren’t some extenuating circumstances for your actions, you know,” she says softly. “Sometimes I think about how the Federation managed you and how obvious it was that you’d have an addiction problem from it.” 

Tobin shakes her head, “They didn’t put a bottle in front of me, Lex.” 

“They may as well have,” Alex snorts, her face angry. “They didn’t do you any favors, that’s for sure.” 

“Lex,” Tobin says softly, “can we not, like, right now?” she asks, “Please?” 

Alex’s face softens, “I’m sorry,” she says, looking down. She looks back up at her and a smile spreads over her face. “Happy Birthday.” 

Tobin blushes, “Thanks,” 

“I have something for you,” Alex says, “I’d like to give it to you later, if that’s okay?” 

“You didn’t have to get me anything, Lex,” Tobin starts. Alex silences her with a finger to her lips. 

“Yes, I did.” She says simply, staring at Tobin. Tobin stares back, slowly smiling at her. 

“Well, thanks,” she says, looking at Alex for a moment and then over to the side of the room where the food was being set up. She tilts her head, “I think it’s ready, wanna go eat?” 

Alex nods as they both get up and fix their plates and get fresh cups of coffee. They sit back down to eat. 

“So, there wasn’t a good chance to catch up with you yesterday,” Tobin says, “Have you thought about what you’re going to do?” she asks as she brings her fork to her mouth. 

Alex nods as she finishes chewing. “I think I’m going to sign with them,” she says quietly. 

Tobin tries to hide her excitement. “Really?” 

“Yeah,” Alex smiles at her. “Think I could hang out with you for a few days after this?”

Tobin shrugs her shoulders, trying to act cool. “That’d be fine,” 

Alex laughs at her. “You ass!” 

Tobin looks at her and laughs as well. “Okay, yeah, sure, I’d love it.” 

“I better not trip on one of your longboards,” Alex warns, her voice stern but her smile betrays her words. 

“I keep them on the porch now.” Tobin admits. 

“And the milk thing?” Alex asks with her eyebrows high. 

Tobin laughs, “Oh Christen broke me of that real fast,” she shakes her head. “There’s always fresh milk and cream for coffee. Nothing expired in my house. Scouts honor.” She grins. 

“Good.” Alex says simply, grinning at Tobin. Tobin grins back at her. 

“Good morning!” a voice rings out. Tobin and Alex turn their heads to see Christine Sinclair strolling in the room. “I really didn’t expect the two of you being the first ones in here.” 

She says as she makes herself a cup of coffee. 

She returns to their table and sits down. 

“It’s good to see you,” Alex smiles. 

“You too,” Sinc says, taking a sip of the hot brew. “Rumors true?” 

Alex nods, “This week it’ll be official. Just keep it on the DL.” 

“Happy Birthday, Tobin!” Sinc smiles. 

“Thanks,” Tobin smiles back. 

Sinc nods her head and turns to Tobin. “The field looks exceptional.” 

“Thanks,” Tobin replies. 

She lays a hand on Tobin’s shoulder, “You doing alright?”

“Better than ever,” Tobin says, looking her in the eye. 

“Good.” Sinc says, squeezing her shoulder before releasing it. She’s seen Tobin’s progress. She’s seen Tobin at her worst. She’s seen her improvement over these past months. She knows how nervous Tobin’s been about this weekend. They’ve talked about it several times. 

“We good for today?” Tobin asks, mentally reviewing the events in her head. 

“Everything’s all set.” Sinc smiles, “Just relax and do your thing, I’ve got it.” 

“Thanks, dude,” Tobin says sincerely, “I really appreciate everything you’ve done.” 

“I’ve got your back but you’ve taken care of most of everything.” Sinc replies. “You’ve done almost all of it, I’m just overseeing it today.” 

Tobin blushes, then looks up at Sinc, “Oh, dude, I’ve got about seven grand in my safe,” 

“What the fuck?” Sinc says, looking incredulously at her. 

“So, can we use it to tip the chef and servers please?” Tobin continues. Sinc looks over to Alex for an explanation. 

“Carli won a bet that Tobin would nutmeg Kling playing yesterday,” Alex explains, “then, later at dinner, Carli gave Tobin her winnings and told her to use it to tip the staff this year. Kling then passed Tobin’s hat around and” she shrugs, “seven grand.” 

Sinc shakes her head. “You guys are something else.” Her and Tobin usually pool resources to tip the staff so this was an unexpected surprise. 

“Early birds catching the worms?” HAO’s voice rings out as she walks in with Hope and Carli. 

The three turn to face them and exchange morning and birthday greetings. 

“I just heard about your generosity,” Sinc says, standing up to hug Carli, “thanks, that was very considerate of you.” 

Carli shrugs, “It was easy money,” she says, “you’d think they’d ever learn to bet against Tobin?” she smiles. 

Tobin stands up, taking her and Alex’s empty plates, “I’d probably would have bet against myself,” she laughs as she walks over to return the dirty dishes to the bin.

Alex stands as well, “Breakfast was awesome, please let them know.” She says to Sinc. Alex gives Tobin a head nod, “We’ll catch up with you guys later.” She says as the two head out the doors. 

As Tobin holds the door to leave the building, she looks at Alex, “Where are we going?” 

“I know you want to check the field,” Alex explains, “so let’s go check it.” She says, gliding past Tobin and heading outside. 

Tobin smiles and follows her. 

“I just want to make sure the center circle didn’t get torn up from yesterday,” Tobin explains as they walk. 

Alex nods. “I know.” She says simply. 

“Really?” Tobin grins at her. 

Alex nods again. “You’re getting predictable in your old age.” She smirks. 

Tobin laughs as she unlocks the gate to the field. Tobin kicks off her sandals and Alex follow suit. They walk onto the pitch, looking around. They slowly make their way to the center circle. Tobin’s critically inspecting it, making sure the design is in good shape. Tobin’s nodding as she looks it over, satisfied it’s fine. 

“We good?” Alex questions, she thinks it looks fine, but she wants to hear Tobin say it. 

“Yeah, it’s good.” She says. She glances at her watch. “So, we’ve got about three hours before everyone gets here, what do you want to do?” 

“Honestly?” Alex asks, looking at her. 

“Yeah,” Tobin shrugs, “whatever you want.” 

“How about we go back to your place and take a little nap?” Alex asks. “On your hammock?” 

Tobin smiles and nods. “Let’s go.” 

They grab their shoes and leave out of the same gate, Tobin leaving it unlocked and the two head over to the private path that leads to Tobin’s house. 

“How did you get interested in learning about growing turf?” Alex asks her as they walk. 

“Well, I’ve always been a big believer in playing on natural surfaces,” Tobin begins, “and I sort of figured I should practice what I preach. To learn about what the maintenance and growing cycles were, to learn about what types of grass grow better in which regions and climates. Stuff like that.” She shrugs. “And honestly,” she pauses, “I was looking for something positive to focus on for a while there.” 

“So are you technically a farmer?” Alex asks. Tobin smiles at her and nudges her shoulder. “Yes, I am. That’s how I enter my occupation on my tax returns.” 

“Farmer Heath,” Alex giggles. 

“Farmer Heath,” Tobin repeats, “who’d a thunk, huh?” 

They stand at the wrought iron gate and Tobin punches in her code to open it. She swings the gate open and leaves it, as they walk down the shady path to her house. When she bought the place, the first thing she did was have a ten-foot brick wall built around her property. She was dealing with some stalkers and wanted her privacy. Over the last couple of years, the ivy she planted had crawled over it, making it look less intimidating and more inviting, yet having a sense of mystery about it. 

“You want a water or anything?” Tobin asks Alex as they enter the backyard. 

“No, I slept well but I think I want to nap before everyone gets here. It’s going to be a busy day.” Alex explains. She wants Tobin to nap as well, knowing how the emotions of the weekend exhaust her. 

“Let me get the pillows,” Tobin says, heading to her shed. 

Alex wanders around looking at the flowers and the garden art Tobin had created for accents. 

Tobin comes out her shed holding two pillows and light blanket, knowing it will be a bit cool in the shade. “You want to get on first?” she questions, arching an eyebrow. 

“No, you hold it steady for me, okay?” she replies as she approaches it. A long time ago the two had an epic adventure of not being able to get on a hammock together resulting in many overturns, some bruises and much laughter. 

“I’ll be careful,” Tobin promises with a grin as she sits down. 

Alex carefully gets on, sliding into place next to Tobin. Tobin hands her a pillow and drapes the blanket over them. Alex snuggles onto Tobin’s chest. Tobin slides an arm around her.

They both sigh at the same time, releasing the deep breath both were holding. 

The hammock rocks slowly back and forth, lulling both of them into a trance as they lay there. 

“I want this, Lex,” Tobin says quietly, “I want this, if you do.” 

“I do.” She replies softly, rubbing her hand on Tobin’s sternum. 

“I’m still a mess,” Tobin confesses, “I’d understand if you’d want to wait or not even try this.” 

Alex struggles to get up on an elbow. “Tobin, I was a coward before, and I was stupid for running to Serva. None of us were truly happy until you got with Christen. Then I really worked on myself and my relationship with Serva, but we know how that went. I stayed away because it wasn’t my place to try to get you back. I know you loved Christen. I do. I just hope you give me a chance to make you happy.” 

Tears spring from Tobin’s eyes as she speaks, “I’ll take a chance on you if you take one on me.” Alex nods. 

“Can we just go slow and keep it on the DL for awhile?” Tobin asks. “I don’t want us to have to answer a lot of questions while we figure this out.” 

“I can live with that.” Alex replies and lays back down. 

“Can you live with me for a while?” Tobin asks. “I mean, if you’re coming here to play with the Thorns, it’s not far away, and you could have your own room while we figure it all out.” 

“If you’re offering, I’ll accept.” Alex says sliding a leg over Tobin’s. Tobin runs her hand over Alex’s arm. 

“Okay,” she says, “let’s do this.” 

“Good.” Alex agrees. “We’ll need your pickup to get my stuff from the storage unit.” 

Tobin laughs, Alex feeling the rumble from her chest under her. “That’s just your clothes, right?” 

“Of course,” Alex laughs. “What else was I going to bring?” 

“Whatever,” Tobin says, a yawn escaping her. “Did you set an alarm?” she asks, her voice lower, edged with sleepiness. 

“Yeah, I did,” Alex replies. 

“Good,” Tobin says, shifting her legs to tangle with Alex’s. 

They fall asleep quickly, satisfied with their conversation. 

 

“Happy Birthday!” HAO shouts out. 

Tobin and Alex both flinch, startled by the yelling, the hammock swings wildly as they fight to balance it. It swings out, toppling the two in a pile, Tobin yelling “Woah! Woah! Woah!” as she flies in the air, before hitting the grass and Alex screeching as she falls on her. Tobin grunts loudly when Alex makes contact, groaning with pain. 

Laughter comes from a few feet away, HAO and Lauren busting their guts. Of course, HAO is holding her phone, having videoed the hammock disaster. 

“Ugh,” Tobin groans as she tries to move out from under Alex, Alex trying to get to her feet. Alex helps her up, Tobin holding her head, hand over her left eye. 

“Are you okay?” laughs Lauren, still finding the whole thing hilarious. 

Tobin bends forward, putting her other hand on her knee, needing a minute to shake off the pain. Alex rubs her back, “You okay?” she asks cautiously. 

Tobin nods her head, still unable to speak from what she knows will become a black eye. She straightens up slowly, looking at the guilty two. “Really?” she asks, smirking at them. 

“Dude,” HAO says, still trying to hold back her laughter, “we really didn’t think that would happen!” 

“Are you okay?” Lauren asks, stepping forward to look at Tobin’s face. Alex is standing next to her, rubbing her bruised elbow. 

“I’m seriously going to have a black eye today? Really?” Tobin sighs, squinting trying to look out of her left eye. It’s beginning to swell already. 

“I’ll get some ice,” Lauren offers, heading to the back door. 

“Cheney!” Tobin calls, tossing her keys at her as she spins around. 

“I’m sorry dude,” HAO says quietly. 

Tobin nods. “I’m sure that is gonna be a hilarious video,” she says, grinning a little. She can feel a headache coming on. She slowly walks over to one of her patio chairs and sits down. She looks up at Alex who looks miserable. “Are you okay?” she asks her softly. Alex looks like she might cry. 

She nods her head slowly as a tear rolls down her face, “I’m so sorry,” she says, her voice cracking a little, “I didn’t mean to hit you.” 

“Hey, hey, hey,” Tobin says tenderly, reaching her hand out and drawing Alex to her lap and wrapping her arms around her. “It’s just a black eye, Lex.” She says softly, “It’s no big deal,” 

“I’m gonna help Cheney with the ice,” HAO mumbles, backing up and retreating into the house. She did not expect her innocent prank to result into an emotional scene. 

“It is a big deal Tobin!” Alex exclaims loudly, beginning to cry, “You worked so hard getting ready to face everyone and let them know you’re doing well and now you have a black eye and everyone will think you’re lying and you were drunk or high and you hurt yourself and are still a mess. All because I fell on you!” She says loudly in a one breath and begins sobbing onto Tobin’s shoulder. Tobin rubs her back, nodding as she processes what Alex has just said. 

“Oh fuck!” Lauren exclaims quietly from the back door where she and HAO are listening.

“Shit,” HAO mutters, moving to take a step but Lauren grabs her arm and firmly pulls her back. “Just wait,” she whispers. 

“Lex,” Tobin says quietly, “everything you said is true, I did work hard to show everyone I’m doing much better, and yeah, people might think I’m lying. I can’t change that. But I have an idea.” 

She pulls away so she can see Alex’s face, running a finger over her tears. “Just trust me, okay? This will all work out just fine.” 

Alex just looks at her, miserable and sniffing her nose. 

“Okay?” Tobin asks again. Alex slowly nods. Tobin gives her a small smile and then kisses her forehead. 

“Hey Chen? HAO?” Tobin calls, knowing they’re close. 

“Yeah?” Cheney answers, standing still. 

“Uh, did you have to make the ice or something?” Tobin asks sarcastically, causing Alex to chuckle a little. 

“Yeah, you lost the recipe, remember?” HAO replies just as sarcastically. Lauren hands Tobin the bag of ice which she places over her left eye. 

“Lex?” she faces her, still on her lap, “why don’t you go in and get cleaned up a bit, okay? I’m gonna need to see your smiling face to pull this off, alright?” Alex nods, slowly getting up and entering the back door. 

Tobin takes a deep breath deep and thinks for a minute. 

She looks up at HAO and Cheney, who look awful. 

“Tobs, I didn’t think any of this would happen” HAO says apologetically. 

“Dude,” Tobin cuts her off, with a wave of her hand. “Don’t worry, I’m not upset.” She explains. “I didn’t think Lex would go off the rails, but I understand where she’s coming from.” 

“What can we do?” Lauren asks, feeling terrible and understanding now that Tobin having a black eye would mean a lot more to others than just a stupid black eye. 

“First, I want you guys to go through your snaps and our private text group, grab our funny videos and stuff from recent times. Find Sinc and grab the laptop to make a video. When Lex comes out, we’re gonna make a little video you can add to the hammock fail.” The two nod, slowly understanding what Tobin’s doing. 

“Then, we’ll make a dirty DVD and run it on a loop in the main room where everyone can see our antics and know that this truly was a stupid black eye.” Tobin finishes. 

“That’s fucking brilliant.” HAO breathes, nodding her head. 

 

“Hey,” Alex says as she exits the house. She looks much better. 

“How’s the elbow, killer?” Tobin grins at her. 

Alex makes a face at her as she raises her arm to show the angry red mark on her elbow. “Do you want some ice too?” Lauren asks her gently. Alex shakes her head. “I’m good.” 

“Okay,” Tobin says looking at her. “Here’s the plan.” She lays it out for Alex who nods, thinking that it would work. 

“So, let’s see this masterpiece.” Tobin nods at HAO, who pulls her phone out and pulls up the video.

They watch it a few times, laughing harder after each replay. 

“Dude! You caught so much air!” HAO exclaims. 

“Lex, your legs were everywhere!” Tobin says, laughing so hard it hurts to breathe. 

“Woah! Woah! Woah!” Alex mimics Tobin, “You on a horse?” 

Lauren screeches with laughter at that, causing the three to look at her. Lauren tries to speak but she’s laughing too hard, “She was on a Baby Horse!” she laughs, tears rolling down her face. The other three burst out laughing hysterically.

“Oh,” Tobin moans, “My face hurts from laughing!” she says trying to stop the giggles. 

Alex is massaging her cheeks, trying to stop the ache. 

Tobin nods as they compose themselves. “HAO, I think that just might be your best work ever.” She says admiringly. 

Alex snorts as she nods in agreement. 

“Okay, so we should shoot your video and then we’ll get to work.” HAO suggests. 

Tobin glances at her watch, “It’s only ten?” she complains. “Why did you guys come here?” 

“We figured you were sleeping, sooooo…” Lauren explains, shrugging her shoulders. 

Tobin waves her hand at them. She looks at Alex, “How about we just look at the camera and I say something like never sleep when HAO’s around?” 

Alex nods. “And then you can zoom in on Tobin’s black eye and my elbow?” she directs HAO. 

“Perfect!” 

The third take is the best one, Tobin giggling through her lines and Alex cracking up as she shows her elbow. The four walk back to the main building, Tobin still icing her eye and the four still giggling about the Great Hammock Disaster. 

 

“What the Hell happened to you?” Dawn questions, eyes narrowing in on Tobin. 

Tobin flinches a little at her tone, scared at her reaction, but HAO merely shoves her phone in front of Dawn and plays the video. Dawn throws her head back in laughter and when she recovers, she hugs Tobin and Alex and curses out HAO for interrupting a peaceful nap.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobin sees her family. Alex shares an important event with her. A surprise guest appears.

Tobin scans the room, smiling as she sees all of the new faces. People are mingling around the tables, relaxing in small groups and in the corner there’s a loud Mario Kart race going on with much shouting and trash talk. 

Tobin feels a hand on her shoulder and spins around to see her Mother smiling at her. “Hi honey,” she says warmly, enveloping Tobin in an embrace. 

“Hi Mom,” Tobin says as she hugs her tightly. “How are you?” 

“Just fine, dear,” her Mom says, looking her over intently, “how are you?” 

“I’m doing pretty good,” Tobin admits, taking a breath and looking around the room again, “it’s been going really well.” 

“That’s good to hear, sweetie,” her Mother replies, smiling at her. She hugs her again, “Happy Birthday.” She says as she holds her tightly. 

“Where’s Dad?” Tobin asks, when they release themselves from their embrace, looking over her Mom’s shoulder. 

“Oh, he ran into the Morgans and they’re catching up.” She explains. “Katie and Jeff won’t be making it out,” she says quietly. “Jeff has a golf tournament and Katie’s kids are booked for the weekend. Soccer.” She smiles. 

“I know,” Tobin replies, nodding her head. “I talked to them and Jeff wasn’t sure if he could but I’m glad.” She smiles. “That means he made the cut and is playing for the weekend.” 

She doesn’t mention Perry and knows her Mom won’t bring it up. 

“Tobin!” a voice calls out, fast approaching. She turns to see her Dad with Pam and Mike Morgan, Alex following behind, smiling widely. 

Greetings and birthday wishes are shared and they move to a nearby table to sit and chat. Alex smoothly slides in to sit next to Tobin, neither of the noticing the knowing looks Pam and Cindy give one another. They catch up for awhile until the they’re interrupted by shouting. 

“Auntie Tobin!” a boy’s voice rings out over the noise in the room. Two boys and a girl crash into her, crawling up and hugging her. A-Rod and Lauren approaching as well. 

The kids drag Tobin from her seat and across the room to an open area and soon a Frisbee is flying around and the kids are laughing and chasing Tobin. 

 

 

Alex stands to the side, watching intently. 

“You’re beaming,” Allie says quietly, bumping her shoulder. Alex glances at her, “I think she’s happy,” she says softly, “I know she’s got a way to go, but I think she’s going to be okay.” 

“Well,” Allie says, slinging an arm around her, “I think you’re an important part of that.” Allie knows their history. She witnessed it from the beginning on the Thorns.

Alex just nods in agreement. “She’s important to me, too,” she says quietly. 

Allie drops her arm to rub Alex’s back, “Follow your heart, babe.” She says softly, gives her a smile and walks away. 

Alex is left standing there, watching as Tobin plays with the kids. More have joined and they’re passing a soccer ball around, begging Tobin to do tricks.

 

Alex thinks back to 2012, the two of them lying in bed together in London. She’d never felt so loved. Then that amazing 2013 season with the Thorns, winning the Championship, living together. When Tobin came back from France, their relationship went to another level. Servando was always on the fringes, staying in Alex’s periphery, jut friends but there was always the chance of something more. 

When Alex began to get more sponsorship opportunities and her fame began to grow, she became nervous. Her agent was in her ear, mentioning her need for some cautiousness in her relationship with Tobin. At that time, Alex wasn’t ready to come out and Tobin was cool about keeping things quiet. She wasn’t one for sharing her personal life anyway with the public. She was fine with people speculating. 

When 2014 rolled around, Alex started becoming more nervous. There were photos on social media, she was being asked about her and Tobin in interviews and the pressure was mounting. She started lashing out at Tobin. 

Things began to crumble, she was harsh with Tobin and then loving, sending both of them on an emotional ride filled with turmoil and confusion. Tobin tried her best to be patient and understanding but Alex’s strong personality started becoming more demanding, more controlling. 

Midway through the season, she reached out to Servando, just at first to talk and have him help her with her situation. They started growing closer, confusing Alex even more. She was being pulled between him and Tobin and it was slowly pulling her apart. 

Tobin, at the end of her rope, patience worn thin, finally sat her down and forced Alex to tell her what was going on. They had a series of tearful talks with Alex always being amazed at how thoughtful and considerate Tobin was to her. 

When the new Orlando team was announced, Alex’s agent told her this was her chance. Alex went for it. It crushed Tobin when she told her she was leaving Portland and she wouldn’t continue their relationship. Alex knew it, and it tore her apart with guilt. National Team duties became tense, they walked on eggshells every time they were near each other. 

It took a long time for the two to even eat at the same table again, Alex not being able to handle her guilt and Tobin struggling to get over the love of her life. Alex felt like shit most of the time, Tobin remaining quiet and not speaking about it to almost anyone. 

Alex shakes her head when she thinks about how unbelievably cruel she was to invite Tobin to her wedding, how gracious Tobin was, knowing it would be seen as unusual if she didn’t show up to the event. Alex couldn’t believe how sweet Tobin was to her through that time. Tobin had plenty of opportunities to be bitter and speak ill of her but she never did. 

Alex knew Kelley, Ashlyn and Lauren knew the whole story but they also held their tongues, probably on strict orders from Tobin. She caught them sending her some glares across the room, she saw them speaking with their heads together at the reception, looking up to find Tobin and watching her carefully. 

She saw Tobin leave the reception relatively early, alone, walking out of the venue with her shoulders slumped. It made her heart ache when Tobin wouldn’t return her calls, even though she knew she shouldn’t be calling her. She missed her best friend. 

 

“Hey,” a soft voice says and Alex feels her a shoulder bump her. She looks and sees Lauren giving her a small smile and eying her intently. “You okay?” 

Alex sighs and shakes her head. “I treated her so horribly Lauren,” she says quietly, tears beginning to form, “how can she want me back?” 

Lauren slings an arm around her shoulder and guides her out of the room and the building. They walk slowly to the soccer field. 

“You were her first love Alex,” Lauren explains, “you know how hard that is to overcome.” Alex nods. 

“Tobin always loved you, even though you weren’t in her life how you once were. Christen understood it and eventually Tobin learned to let the pain of it all go. Why do you think they dated for so long before they got married? It wasn’t until Christen was positive you wouldn’t ever be a threat to try and take Tobin from her and by then, Tobin was so in love with Christen, we all knew nothing would happen.” 

“I was so awful to her,” Alex says, her voice trembling, tears sliding from her eyes. 

“Tobin was hurt,” Lauren admits, “but she understood why you were doing what you did.” 

Alex looks up at her. 

Lauren smiles, “Even during the worst of it, Tobin would never bad mouth you. In fact, she defended you to us, she understood you weren’t ready to reveal your relationship with her to the world. It hurt her deeply, true, she struggled with it for a long time, but she never spoke bitterly about you. That time, coming out would be dangerous, you were a rising star and becoming the face of the National Team. For you to be gay would have created some media issues. We all understood it.” 

Lauren hugs Alex, “It was hard to take sides when we all knew how hurt both of you were about it. We loved you both.” 

They’re now sitting on the bench looking out at the field. 

“I told her I couldn’t be with her if she was still drinking.” Alex confesses. 

“I know.” Lauren says. 

“I told her she needed to get off the drugs. They were killing her.” Alex cries. 

“I know, she told me.” Lauren nods. She looks at Alex. “And she did.” 

Alex nods. 

“At first I think she did it for you,” Lauren admits, “but then, she did it for herself. She once told me about a conversation she had with Christen right before the crash. Christen made her promise to find happiness if anything ever happened to her. Tobin didn’t take it too seriously, but then under a month later, Christen was dead.” 

Alex looks at her, her mouth hanging open. 

“Tobin wondered if Christen knew something would happen, that’s why she was so adamant about it.” Lauren states. “She only mentioned it to me once, but I know it really bothered her.” 

“Do you think she’s ready?” Alex asks, “I mean, to be with me?” 

Lauren smiles at her, “I don’t know,” she shakes her head, “She’s been doing so well and I attribute a lot of that to you. You know how she is, she thinks so much and internalizes and but lately she’s been talking more about her feelings. She loves you. I know that without her telling me. Just take it slow.” 

They sit in silence for a minute. 

“I’m going to stay with her.” Alex states. “I’m getting traded to the Thorns. They’re announcing it next week.” 

Lauren’s eyebrows shoot up. “Is that so?” 

Alex nods. “She offered to let me stay while I get settled here. She offered me the spare room,” she says, gauging Lauren’s reaction, “I want to retire as a Thorn and I think they’ve got a shot at another title.” 

“Is this year your last?” Lauren asks her. 

“Maybe?” Alex shrugs. “I was lifeless in Orlando, I was losing my passion for soccer. Everything with Serva and the divorce,” she shakes her head, “Orlando wasn’t where I wanted to be.” 

“The nice thing about Portland is that people leave you alone.” Lauren states. 

“Yeah,” Alex nods in agreement, “it’s great that way.” 

Lauren pats her thigh, her team Mom coming out, “Just go with the flow,” she says, standing up, “it will all work out how it’s supposed to.” 

 

 

 

Tobin takes a deep breath and holds it before letting it go. She slowly walks up to the small stage and stations herself behind the podium. 

“Did you know she was going to speak?” Alex asks Christine Sinclair who’s standing next to her. Sinc quickly shakes her head, her face serious and expression clearly concerned. 

Alex turns to Kling, who shakes her head at her. 

Alex wrings her hands nervously as she watches Tobin fidget at the podium. 

“If you would all please take your seats,” Tobin begins, “dinner service will begin.” Alex watches as she takes a small step back, as if she’s fighting against fleeing the stage or staying there. She bobs her head couple of times, most teammates knowing that’s sign of mentally pumping herself up. 

“I’d like to thank you all for coming tonight,” Tobin begins, her voice a little shaky, nerves showing, “I’d like to thank Christine for organizing everything and making sure it has gone smoothly,” she gives Sinc a head tilt as light applause begins, “and to Allie, Kling and HAO for helping out and making sure I did everything I needed to,” she finds them in the crowd and smiles at them, “I really appreciate all you’ve done.” 

Sinc leans over to Alex, “We didn’t do shit this year,” she whispers, “Tobin did everything.” She’s shaking her head. 

“Um,” Tobin pauses, scratching at the back of her neck, “I wanted to share a few things with you all before we eat, if you don’t mind.” She clears her throat and looks around the room. 

“So, uh, I didn’t write this out or make notes or anything,” Tobin says nervously, “but i hope I don’t screw this all up,” she flashes a small smile and takes another deep breath. “Okay, here’s the thing,” she says and looks up and around the room. “I want to apologize to you.” The murmurs of people quietly speaking suddenly stop and the room is dead silent. 

“I’ve been so wrapped up in myself that I neglected being here for you. To my family and my team,” she pauses, “I’m so sorry.” 

“You see, I was so wrapped up in my grief of losing Christen that I couldn’t see that you all were hurting just as deep. Things escalated and soon I was out of control, and I lost myself. I became someone who didn’t want to live with the pain I was feeling. I wanted to escape to somewhere, anywhere, that I wouldn’t have to feel and believe that Christen was dead. My friends were dead.” 

She sniffles a little, a tear coming down her cheek, “It’s been so hard,” she says, “and I shut out you guys out even though you were only trying to help.” 

She roughly wipes her tears with her hand, “When Kelley died a month after the crash, it seemed like there was no justice in this world, I gave up.” Kelley had lingered in a coma for a month before passing away.

She lifts the microphone from the holder and begins to slowly pace on the stage. “Back then, after that camp, Carli suggested I get away, to get my head straight. It seemed like really good advice. So I did.” She walks across the stage and stops. “I tried to kill myself on that trip.” She states. Gasps are heard and few cries. 

“I got really drunk and went surfing at night and then decided it would be a good idea to just fall in the water and let God take me because I had nothing to live for in this world.” 

“I woke up in the sand the next morning,” she says, shaking her head, “I have no idea how I got out of the water. Then Ashlyn was there, telling me I was stupid and I should go back to my room, and then Kelley was there, pissed off because she had to drag me out of the water because I was an idiot. I went back to sleep and Christen was there, telling me I shouldn’t give up. I have something to live for.” 

She begins to pace again and runs a hand through her hair, “So, I convinced myself that was all a dream, and I tried to start to get myself together. As bad as things got, I never entertained the thought of suicide again.” 

Not a sound is coming from the room. Alex is just staring at Tobin. 

“It took me retiring from playing, to give up the one thing I thought was keeping me together to finally begin to process what had happened and really work to get myself clean and in a healthy headspace.” 

“This year is the first year I’m sober for this event.” She states. Murmurs being again, people are whispering to another and Alex can hear the shock and surprise from them. “I thought medications and booze would help hide the pain, but I’m realizing it’s not true, at all. It’s being here and connecting with you guys, that’s the best therapy.” 

She paces again and stops to look out at the crowd. “I’m sorry for the hurt I’ve put you all through when you were only trying to help me. I ask for your forgiveness, but I’m willing to work for it because I understand it might be too soon.” She looks at HAO. Then her eyes find Alex. “I think I’m slowly realizing there is much to more to live for and I’m excited to find out what it will look like in my future.” 

She looks at Alex and gives her a small smile which Alex returns. 

“So,” She says, “uh, it looks like the food’s ready, thanks for letting me talk to you, I love you guys, enjoy your meal and the rest of the night.” She puts the microphone back in it’s holder and saunters off the stage only to be caught by Carli who embraces her in a tight hug. 

Chattering is heard as people begin to speak at their tables and the servers start bringing out the dinner courses. Tobin is slowly making her way towards the back of the room being stopped by teammates who are hugging her and talking to her. 

As Alex takes her seat at the back table, she’s watching Tobin warily, making sure she’s doing alright. They’re halfway through dinner when Tobin slides in her seat next to Alex and begins to eat. HAO squeezes her shoulder and Tobin gives her a small smile. By silent agreement, the table doesn’t change their conversation, they keep talking about the expansion of the NWSL and the new teams that on slate to be added. Tobin seems to be okay, interjecting her opinion here and there to the conversation. 

As they near the end of their meal, Alex places her hand on Tobin’s thigh. Tobin drops her hand to cover it and squeezes it gently. They look at each other and Alex smiles, and Tobin gives her head a nod. When Tobin’s done eating, she leans back in her chair and takes Alex’s hand in hers. She’s rubbing her thumb over the top of Alex’s hand and sits back, feeling content. 

Quiet music has started and people are beginning to leave their tables to walk around and chat with others. People are starting up video games again and the kids have been released from their parents to run around the burn of some energy from being captured and forced to eat dinner. As the room grows louder, Alex looks to see Tobin is struggling a little as she watches the crowd. 

Alex makes up her mind and gives Tobin a gentle yank of the hand and rises from her chair. Tobin follows suit and they say a quick talk to you later to the table and head out of the room. Alex doesn’t speak as she grabs her hand once they are out of the room and leads her outside. They’re quiet until the reach the pitch and settle onto to the sideline bench. 

“That was very brave of you,” Alex says, her voice raspy, “I didn’t know you were planning on speaking tonight.” 

Tobin lets out a nervous laugh, “I didn’t know I was planning on speaking until HAO asked me to let everyone know dinner would be starting. But then, I was up there, I, uh, felt I had to say something. I can’t explain it, but, like the words, just kinda came out.” 

“Well it was beautiful.” Alex states firmly. “It was heartfelt, and emotional and you did so well. I’m so proud of you.” 

“Thanks,” Tobin says as a blush creeps across her face. 

“You’re pretty amazing, Tobs.” Alex says simply, drawing her close. “That was really something else.” 

Tobin is silent, chewing on the inside of her cheek. Her foot starts to bounce up and down and Alex knows she’s nervous about something. 

“What?” she asks her. 

Tobin looks at her, uncertainty etched in her face. “Would you think I’m crazy if I told you I really did see Ash and Kelley and Christen?” she asks timidly. 

“Not at all,” Alex replies immediately. She feels Tobin relax against her. “Christen came to me last year,” she says quietly, “after you visited me in Florida.” 

“What?” Tobin’s shocked. “Really?” 

Alex nods. 

 

 

February 7, 2021 

She could tell Tobin was strung out as soon as she answered the door. When Tobin called her yesterday afternoon, asking if it would be alright to come and see her, Alex jumped at the chance. She hadn’t seen her since she was last in Portland playing against the Thorns last season. It had been too long. She gave her the address of her new apartment, and then went around the made the place was spotless. 

She was surprised to find her there, backpack slung over her shoulder, the very next day. She knew it would take about ten hours to drive there from Lauren’s place, she realized Tobin must have left around six in the morning. 

“Hey,” Tobin greets her nervously. This is the first time they’d been face to face since that last disastrous meeting at Tobin’s apartment. 

“Come here,” Alex says, instantly moving to hug her. She can feel how thin Tobin has grown, her back bones protruding from her. She looks unhealthy. 

“How was your drive?” Alex questions as she leads her to the kitchen, handing her a water and watching her carefully. 

“Pretty good,” Tobin nods, glancing around the apartment. It’s a nice place, on the beach, but not Alex’s decorating style at all. 

As if she can read her mind, Alex explains, “It came furnished, I’ve got some stuff in storage but I gave Serva the house.” 

“Oh,” Tobin blinks. She takes a sip of water, “How’s all of that going?” she questions as Alex pulls a chair out and motions for her to sit. She looks like she’ll fall over. 

Alex shrugs, “As okay as can be,” she says, sitting down across from her, “he’s been really good through everything.” 

“As long as he’s not being a dick,” Tobin says a little harshly, not wanting Alex to be suffering anymore than she is. 

“No,” Alex smiles at her, “he’s been very kind. It took him awhile but he understands.” 

Tobin nods, “He’s a good man.” She says quietly. 

“He is,” Alex agrees, “but it wasn’t working, it hadn’t been working for a long time and he knew it. We’re both happier this way.” 

Tobin nods but her head is down. 

“Are you hungry? Tired? Want to take a little nap?” 

Tobin gives her a tired smile, “I am a little tired from the road,” she admits. 

“Okay, let me get you set up.” Alex smiles, leaving her chair and exiting the kitchen. 

She returns to find Tobin with her head back, eyes closed in the chair. She shakes her gently, “Come on, let’s get you in bed,” she says softly, taking her hand and leading her to her bedroom. She’s got the balcony doors open, the sound of the waves crashing the shoreline filling the room. 

Tobin kicks off her sandals as Alex removes her hat and places it on the nightstand. Tobin slides into the bed, looking up at her, her eyes bloodshot and half open. “Stay?” she asks softly. Alex nods and comes around to the other side and gets in, sliding over as Tobin seeks her, resting her head on Alex’s chest. 

Tobin is out before Alex can say anything, so she simply rubs Tobin’s back and hears her sigh deeply and snuggle into her more. 

When Alex awakes, she sees that it’s nearly eight o’clock at night. She turns to see Tobin, still passed out, but moved onto her back. Her head is turned towards her, mouth slightly open, tension still creased across her forehead even in sleep. Alex frowns at the sight, her heart aching for Tobin who’s suffered so much. 

She slowly leaves the bed and makes herself a quick dinner, making another plate to reheat for Tobin when she gets up. She eats alone, thinking about them, how they’ve talked since their last visit. They’ve been in regular communication, talking about how they both knew that sleeping together wasn’t the right thing to do and agree to look past it and try to build back their friendship. 

Alex knew Tobin was on something but when they had gotten back to her place after eating dinner with teammates, she had had a couple of cocktails herself, and when they looked each other in the eyes and suddenly hands and lips were everywhere and clothes were coming off. 

That night was amazing. Alex hadn’t felt that loved and worshipped by anyone in along time. In fact, it brought her back to their days in Portland, stealing away to please each other. Hearing Tobin cry out in pleasure from her was something she held close to her heart. 

Alex was impressed at Tobin’s maturity about it and how she timidly asked if they could just go back to square one and start over. She admitted to Alex that she was getting out of control but struggling to find balance with her medications and the stress and trying to lay off drinking. 

Seeing her now, she knew that Tobin was failing miserably and needed help desperately. It was only a matter of time that Tobin would get in an accident or overdose. Alex prayed that Tobin would accept her help. 

An hour later she could hear movement from her bedroom and soon Tobin padded out down the hallway, a sleepy smile on her face. 

“Hey,” she says nervously, looking around. “Where’s my backpack?” she questions. Alex points to the living room. She watches as Tobin goes through the pockets of the pack with shaking hands, finding a pill bottle and popping two pills in her moth and swallowing. 

Tobin looks up at her, embarrassment flashing across her face. 

Alex holds her hands up, “I’m not judging.” She says softly. 

Tobin wraps her arms around herself, rubbing her upper arms, her head down. “I don’t like feeling this way,” she whispers. 

Alex gets up and moves in front of her, “Have you asked your therapist about it?” 

Tobin nods. “She talks about how I need it to stay functional and suggests another dosage to help me not be as out of it.” 

Alex nods, “Have you considered seeing someone else? Like, to maybe get a second opinion?” she asks gently. 

Tobin looks at her startled, Alex knowing instantly the thought never crossed her mind. “She’s the team”

“I know,” Alex cuts her off. “it’s okay, I was just asking.” She soothes. 

Tobin looks down, shifting her weight uncomfortably. 

“You hungry? I made you a plate.” Alex asks. 

“Yeah, I could eat,” Tobin replies, sitting down at the table. Alex moves to the fridge and then the microwave. 

They talk about the upcoming preseason and how they think their teams will look. Normalcy is restored and they fall asleep on the couch watching a movie, snuggled close under a blanket. 

For the next few days, they hang out at the beach and around her house. The media has been following her closely and Tobin understood that she didn’t want to go out in the public too much. They ordered in food, Alex feeding Tobin at opportunity hoping to get her a little fattened up. 

On Tobin’s last night, they talked seriously for hours, Tobin being pretty lucid and avoiding taking her meds most days. She’d wake up shaking, tremors ripping through her body, only subsiding after taking some pills. When she napped, Alex went through her medications and wrote them all down, intending to look them up later. 

To her it seemed Tobin was really trying to fight back to normalcy. When Tobin left, she mentioned she was stopping by to see Ali and then heading home. Alex made her promise to check in with her each day she was on the road until she got home. 

That night, after Tobin called her, Alex went to bed feeling better than she had in months. Maybe even years. She felt her and Tobin had made some progress and their friendship was slowly coming back into place. 

In the morning, when she opened her eyes, she sees the face of Christen Press smiling at her. 

Screaming in terror, Alex slid until she fell off the bed, getting up to run into her bathroom and lock herself in. Panting, she held the doorknob, wondering what the Hell just happened. 

“Uh, you can’t hide from me,” Christen says from behind her. Alex turns to look over her shoulder, sees her and lets out another scream. Fumbling to open the door, she races through her room and to the kitchen. She grabs a large knife from the knife block as Christen slowly approaches her with a grin on her face and her hands up in surrender. 

“I give,” she smiles. “Alex, put the knife down, I want to talk to you.” 

“You’re not real, I’m dreaming, you’re not real, you’re just a figment of my imagination.” Alex blabbers warily looking at Christen as she paces in her kitchen. 

“Alex,” Christen says sternly, “I need you to listen to me.” 

Alex just looks at her. “I’ve gone mental,” she says quietly, “that’s it.” 

“No, it’s not,” Christen says as she moves and sits in a kitchen chair. “Come and talk with me, will you?” she gestures to the chair across from her. 

Slowly Alex moves to the kitchen table and lowers herself in the chair. She’s still holding the knife, defensively in her hand. 

Christen sighs at the sight of it and then shakes her head, “Listen, I don’t get many of these visits so I need you to listen to me, okay?” 

Alex nods. 

“You have to help Tobin,” she says sadly, “she’s going to end up worse before she’s better, but I need you to help her.” 

Alex slowly sets the knife down. She gulps, “What can I do?” 

“Right now, exactly what you’ve been doing. I know you don’t like her therapist, neither do I, but Tobin’s loyal to the soccer Fed and won’t switch until either someone really gets to her or something horrible happens.” 

Christen looks at Alex with a rueful smile. “I know she loves you, she always has. Even when she was with me, she gave everything she could to me, but I always knew there was a piece of her heart I could never have because it belonged to you.” 

“But I” Alex starts. 

“You were right in everything you did, Alex,” Christen smiles, “once you made your decision, you stuck with it and I’m so grateful to you for that. You never gave her a chance to think she had a shot at getting you back. You never played games with her head and you treated her cautiously and were so thoughtful and considerate to her.” 

“I knew I couldn’t make her happy,” Alex says miserably, “I know I hurt her so bad, I tried not to, but I couldn’t be the person she wanted.” 

“Not then,” Christen smiles at her. She looks at Alex with adoration, “Alex, you’ve got a second chance to be truly happy as well. I haven’t hung around to know all that you’ve gone through, but it seems like you’re single and not looking for just anyone right now.” 

“Christen!” Alex exclaims, “I couldn’t- I wouldn’t do that to you-“ 

Christen lets out a laugh. “I would hope that you do, Alex.” she leans forward, resting her elbows on the table. “Can I share something with you?” Alex nods. 

“I had a feeling something would happen to me and when the plane started to shake, I knew it. I knew I wasn’t going to make it. It was painless. I was thrown forward, I felt a pressure in my head and then I was gone.” She suddenly looks sorrowful. “I just wish Tobin hadn’t come looking for me. I think she would be in a much better place mentally if she hadn’t saw me like that.” 

“Christen, I’m so sorry,” Alex says as the tears begin to flow, “you don’t even know how much I miss you, we all miss you.” 

Christen smiles and moves her hand across the table, curling her fingers for Alex to take it. It feels warm, just as if she was really there. It surprises Alex. 

“Alex, we’ve been close friends for a long time, and I’ve always been grateful for that. You helped me understand Tobin’s quirks and the how she acts, I can’t believe how lucky I was for you to be so kind and share that with me.” 

She lets go of Alex’s hand and straightens up in the chair. “I’m here to tell you to go for it. You have my blessing. There is no other person I know I would want Tobin to be with and I know you can make her happy and heal from this deep pain. I know you can help lift her from the dark place she’s swimming in now. I know it. So, I want you to go slow, but nothing would set me at peace more is knowing you will take care of Tobin.” 

“CP,” Alex says, looking scared, “I couldn’t do that to your memory, I don’t even know if Tobin would” 

Christen cuts her off with a sake of her head. “What if I told you that within one year, you will be deeply in love with her and know that she loves you back?” 

“What?” Alex asks, her mouth dropping open. 

“Let’s just say, I have the inside track. You guys were meant to be. I was Tobin’s interlude, I helped her grow up a bit, but you guys, you guys were meant to be together since the day you were born. Don’t be scared Alex, you’re strong enough to deal with it. If I was, then you can for sure. Coming out will be a piece of cake.” She laughs. “All you have to do is pick out a photo of the two of you,” she points at Alex, “and you will know the one when you see it, and just write ‘Talex is real’ and boom. That’s it.” 

“I’ve got to go,” Christen says, leaving her chair, “but know I trust you. I love you and I hope you seriously think about it. Tobin’s the one for you. She always has been. Go for it.” 

“Wait!” Alex says, following her to the door, “how can I help her get off the meds? How will she trust me? Do I move to Portland? What do I do?” 

Christen laughs, “I see you’ve made up your mind already,” she turns and gives Alex a warm embrace. “Just go with your gut. You’ll know. And you’ll know when she’s ready.”

Alex pulls back from the hug to wipe her eyes and sees she’s gone. “Christen?” she calls out. “Thank you,” she cries and moves to the sofa to sit and let the sobs wash over her. 

 

 

May 29, 2022

 

“She came to you, too?” Tobin questions, her voice unsteady. 

Alex nods, “Just that once.” 

Tobin leans in to Alex, crying softly. “So,” Alex says softly, “I know you’re not insane because I’ve seen her too.” 

“I felt like I’ve been going insane for so long,” Tobin sobs, her voice wavering as she cries. Alex rubs her upper arm as she hugs her. “You’re not insane. You’re very sane. In fact, I think you just feel things more deeply than anyone I’ve ever met.” 

“She really said the crash didn’t hurt?” Tobin looks up at her with watery eyes, a hopeful look in them. Alex nods, “She said she felt a moment of pressure and that was it.” 

Tobin cries harder, hiccupping, into Alex’s chest, Alex holding her head close to her, swaying slightly. 

“I keep having nightmares that she was in pain and there was nothing I could do.” Tobin cries, her shoulder shuddering with her cries. She’s crying as relief passes over her, the nightmares that have been tormenting her for years, that helpless feeling, suddenly lifted. 

Tobin pulls back, breathing heavy, looking at Alex. Alex moves and wipes the tears from her eyes and gives her a gentle smile. Tobin takes her hand and brings it to her lips and kisses it gently. 

“Thank you for sharing that with me,” she says quietly, her voice raw from crying, “you don’t know how much that means to me.” 

Alex nods and brings her forehead to Tobin’s so they’re touching. “We’re in this together, okay?” she says quietly. “I’m here for you just as much as you are for me. We hold nothing back.” 

Tobin nods repeatedly, still breathing deeply to calm herself down. They break free and she leans back on the bench, wiping her eyes. “Whew,” she says as she looks at Alex. 

“So, that really freaked you out, huh?” she asks her. 

Alex nods, her eyebrows high on her forehead. “Hell yeah, it did.” She says. “I’m so grateful it happened, though.” 

“Me too,” Tobin says and softly kisses her. She looks around, “We should get back, huh?” 

Alex nods, “Yeah, we should.” 

As they walk back to the main building, Tobin grabs her hand and squeezes it. “So, what normally happens on the rest if this night?” 

“Well,” Alex shrugs, “people meet in their rooms and play cards or have another bonfire, just whatever, hanging out.” 

“Okay,” Tobin says, nodding. 

As they walk in the doors to the main room, a voice stops Tobin in her tracks. 

“Tobin?” 

She turns and looks. “Perry?” she breathes out.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobin sees Perry, Dawn and Pia fill some of the girls in on a new development and Tobin has a major flashback. 
> 
> WARNING: Her flashback may be considered pretty gruesome.

As they walk in the doors to the main room, a voice stops Tobin in her tracks. 

“Tobin?” 

She turns and looks. “Perry?” she breathes out, frozen in place. Not knowing if she should hug her sister.

“Hi,” Perry says, unsure of herself. 

“Hey,” Tobin says, shifting her weight, biting her bottom lip with her teeth, “I didn’t know you were coming.” She says quietly. 

“Tobs,” Alex says quietly, laying a hand on her forearm, “I’m gonna head in,” she tilts her head, “Hi Perry,” 

“Hey Alex,” Perry greets her, nodding her head. 

“So, um, how are you?” Tobin asks nervously. 

Perry just looks at her, her eyes softening into a gentle smile. “Can I hug you?” she asks quietly, “I’ve missed you.” 

Tobin crashes into her, holding her tightly, tears beginning to fall. “I’m so sorry I let you down, I’m so sorry,” she cries. 

Perry holds her, rocking her in her arms, “No, Tobin, I was the one that let you down,” she says, her voice uneven through her tears. “I didn’t know what was going on, I didn’t know how they were treating you.” 

“I didn’t mean to hurt you,” Tobin cries into Perry’s shoulder. 

“I didn’t mean to turn you away, I just didn’t know how to help you.” Perry responds as she begins to cry. “You were amazing tonight, speaking before dinner, I had no idea things were that bad. I just thought you were shutting us all out and drinking your life away.” 

They feel hands on their shoulders and look up to see their Dad and their Mom trailing behind them looking very concerned. 

“Hi girls,” he says softly, as if he’s afraid of startling them. 

“Hey Dad,” they say in unison. 

“Tobin, can we go somewhere and talk a little more privately?” her Mom asks. 

“Yeah, sure,” Tobin replies as Perry releases her from her tight grip. “Come on,” she says and leads them from the back of the room and up to her office. 

 

 

Alex waits impatiently, glancing at the door of the main room. She’s sitting with Ali and Kling talking about Ali’s new job as a color commentator for the Fox Sports Network and how she is adapting to calling the soccer matches. She’s trying to pay attention, but her thoughts are on Tobin. 

Dawn and Pia stop at the table to greet the women and sit down with them. Both look serious. 

“What’s the matter?” Kling asks, looking closely at them. 

“I spoke with Tobin’s parents tonight.” Dawn states, “I told them all about how the Federation managed her issues and what I felt about it.” 

Alex’s mouth drops open. Ali and Kling don’t know all of the details but they lean in to listen. 

“I thought her Father was going to punch through the wall, he was so upset.” Dawn admits. “Her Mother was more understanding, she understood the timeline of her treatment and could see when the addiction started really getting a grip on her.” 

“They had no idea how many drugs they were feeding her, did they?” Alex questions quietly, knowing the answer. 

Dawn shakes her head. “No.” 

The group sits quietly, Kling squirming in her seat, wanting to ask the question that all on their minds. 

“They did it to keep her playing, didn’t they?” she asks finally, “They had to have their multi-Player of the Year, FIFA Woman of the Year going, didn’t they?” 

Dawn shrugs, “I would like to think that they were truly looking out for her best interests, but I question it myself.” She admits. 

“Since I took over coaching the team again, I didn’t like how they were medicating Tobin to get her on a plane.” Pia says, shaking her head at the memory. “They wouldn’t tell me her medications, citing privacy laws, but I knew something wasn’t right. With Dawn’s help, we, uh, accessed Tobin’s medical records and it was disturbing. We sent them, without her name attached, to a colleague of mine who is a therapist. She was shocked and alarmed at the treatment.” 

“The therapist involved has been quietly removed and her license revoked.” Pia states

“It’s a miracle she didn’t overdose.” Dawn says sadly. “I wish I had seen it sooner and recognized how dangerous it was.” 

“Tobin’s talking with them now,” Alex says quietly. “Perry’s here.” 

Ali looks as if she’s about to cry. She looks down, “I really need to talk to her.” 

Alex rubs her back, she knows something went down between the two, but Tobin’s been tight lipped about it. “Maybe you can later or tomorrow,” she offers, giving her a small smile. Ali nods at her. 

“Is this going to go public?” Kling asks reasonably. 

Both Pia and Dawn shrug their shoulders. “It’s the same therapist that treated Abby years ago, so, there’s a chance.” 

“Oh, Christ!” Kling exclaims, “Tobin doesn’t need that bullshit.” Knowing the media storm it could create. 

“Only you three, Allie, Lauren and HAO know this information.” Dawn states. “I would appreciate it if you could keep it quiet until we see how it plays out, if at all.” 

They nod in agreement. 

“We wanted you to know so if something does happen, you’re prepared to help her.” Pia says simply. 

“You need to tell Sinc.” Alex states. “She needs to know.” 

Pia nods, “You’re right.” 

“We’ll talk to her,” Dawn promises, “until then, nothing about this, right?”

“Absolutely.” Kling states as the others nod. 

Pia and Dawn rise from their seats and leave the table. 

 

 

A half an hour later, Alex is talking with Syd near the door of the main room and sees Tobin hugging her parents and watching leave. She sees Tobin take a deep breath, wipe her face and then straighten her shoulders. 

Dom comes up to them with their sleepy newborn, so Alex excuses herself and walks into the hallway to Tobin. She grabs her hand and they link their fingers together. 

“Everything okay?” Alex asks quietly. 

“Uh,” Tobin shrugs, “yes and no?” 

“Are you okay?” Alex asks her intently. 

“Kind of,” Tobin admits, “my parents just laid some heavy shit on me that I need to think about,” 

“If you ever want to talk about it,” Alex says, “you know I’ll listen.” 

Tobin squeezes her hand, “I do know and I do want to talk about it,” she says, giving her a sad smile, “just maybe later, somewhere more private.” 

Alex nods. “Okay.” 

Tobin yawns as they slowly walk into the main room. Her eyes scan the room, watching the small groups talking at around tables, near the bar, playing video games. There’s fewer children as it’s getting late, some teens congregated in corners. 

Alex looks at her, Tobin looks exhausted. 

“Tired?” she asks, curious of her answer. 

“Yeah,” Tobin nods, “I was thinking of turning in soon.” 

“Stay with me?” Alex asks. 

Tobin smiles at her, “Sure,” she says, “I left my backpack in the lobby.” 

“You wanna go now or?” 

“Reece and those boys look really bored,” Tobin obverses, “I think I’ll bring them over a game cart and see if they want to play.” She looks at Alex, “I’ll grab one out of the side room and meet you here in a few?” 

“Sounds good,” Alex smiles. She watches as Tobin heads off to a door off the to the side of the room, fishing her keys out and disappearing into the room. She pushes an audio cart out with a flat screen TV with a gaming console on a shelf beneath it towards the table Reece and the boys are sitting. 

 

Reece is huddled over the table, peering at her phone when one of the boys speaks up. “So, what was that deal at dinner with Tobin talking?” he asks, Reece knows his name is   
Tommy but doesn’t know who his parents are. “Why was that a big deal?” 

The boy next to her nudges her elbow, she thinks his name is Drake or Drew or something, “Didn’t you hear what went down?” Reece and Tommy look at him, shaking their heads. 

“Like, after the crash, Tobin was jacked up with metal sticking out of neck and shit and she came through the wreckage, looking for Christen and found her, but, like, her head was almost cut in half and then they found Tobin carrying her out of the plane trying to hold her brains in and shit.” 

Reece’s mouth drops open. Her mom had never divulged those details, only telling her Tobin was struggling over losing her wife. 

“Yeah,” he says, his eyes shining about the gory details, “and then she just lost her shit and started screaming and they had to pry her loose from Christen’s dead body and take her away in restraints and she’s been mental ever since.” 

A squeak of a wheel draws Reece’s attention behind her and she turns her head to see Tobin, all the color gone from her face. 

“I thought you guys might be bored and want to play,” she says softly, backing away slowly. Drake or Drew or whatever his name is shoots out of his chair, knocking the cart back, sending the TV toppling over to the ground. A loud metallic crunch is heard, the room goes silent as all heads turn to see Tobin, scrambling away, panic on her face. 

Alex was across the room talking to HAO when it happened and her heart stopped at the sight. 

“Fuck!” HAO exclaims, as they both move to follow Tobin. 

As soon as they exit the main room, they can hear Tobin screaming for Christen, obviously having a full blown flashback. 

 

She heard most of it as she approached because the boy speaking wasn’t being quiet at all. Tobin could feel herself panicking, the fear slowly taking over her body but she didn’t want to scare these kids, Reece especially. When the TV cracked, that noise sounded just like something she had heard on the plane and that sent her into a full panic mode. 

Somehow she managed to speak to them and then she knew she had to leave. 

She backed away quickly from the kids and when she turned, she wasn’t in the room anymore. She was back on the plane, filled with smoke, screams, sparks from electrical wires. All she wanted was to find Christen, she needed to find her wife. She glances next to her and sees Jill, her eyes closed, neck at an unnatural angle, bloody bone sticking out of the side. She broke into a run, weaving past passengers, climbing over seats, ignoring the pain she felt in her chest and neck. 

She was screaming for her through the smoke, heading forward, glancing down to see her friends, lying dead in their seats. Climbing over debris and seats and dead people. 

The plane had cracked in two pieces and she found Christen sitting in her seat, looking as if she was asleep. 

“Christen?” she questions, ignoring the blood seeping from the back of her head. “Baby?” 

She unbuckles her seatbelt and gently takes her hands. “Sweetheart, you need to wake up,” she says. She hears someone yelling about the fire, she can feel the heat of the flames inching closer. 

“We have to get out of here,” Tobin says, gently moving her hand under Christen’s legs, “They’ll get you fixed up outside,” 

She puts her hand behind Christen’s head and feels the wetness in her curly black hair. She lifts her out of her seat, the pain stabbing her chest and neck, but she struggles to carry her out through the ragged opening from where the plane split. 

She stumbles through it, feeling the back of Christen’s head shift and she tightens her grip, feeling the wetness run down her arm. She makes it out and looks around, walking carefully around burning pieces of twisted metal, seeing where people are congregating. They can help her. 

She gets down one knee, then both, holding Christen close, feeling that sliding of the back of her head again. She holds her close to her body, rocking gently, “You’re okay, it’s gonna be okay,” she repeats as she cries. 

She doesn’t know how long she’s like that, holding her as chaos reigns around them. Tobin feels a hand on her shoulder and she looks up to see the bloody face of Emily Sonnet. 

“Tobin?” she asks. 

“She’s gonna be okay, she just has to wake up,” Tobin says, her voice cracking, she turns to Christen, “c’mon babe, ya gotta wake up.” 

Emily is crying, holding her hand to her mouth, a horrified look on her face. Tobin sees flashes of people around her, uniforms of some sort. Emily takes two steps back as a man in uniform kneels next to Tobin, placing his hand on her sweaty back. 

“Let’s lay her down and get you checked out,” he says kindly, looking sadly at Christen. 

“No, you have to help her first,” Tobin insists. “She has to wake up.” 

“We’ll help her too,” he says, gesturing with his hands to another medic or fireman. “Just let her go.” 

“No!” Tobin shouts, holding her closer, she feels something slide from her grip on Christen’s head and slowly leans over to look and see she’s holding the back of her head in her hand. Grayish brain matter and blood fill the part of the skull she’s holding, tangling with the curly black hair. 

“No!” Tobin screams, horrified, “Nooooo!” she can’t believe it, something snaps and she’s screaming and rocking Christen in her lap, realizing she’s never going to wake up. She looks down at her and sees those eyes, Christen’s beautiful grey-green eyes, staring lifelessly at her. 

“Nooo!!!” she screams, knowing in that moment her life is forever changed, Christen is gone. Dead. 

 

 

 

HAO and Alex can hear the screaming as they enter the dorms turning the corner to see Tobin, on her knees in the hallway, rocking back and forth and hugging a throw pillow from one of the couches in the lobby. Alex takes a step forward but HAO clamps her hand around her forearm, firmly holding her in place. 

“Wait,” she says quietly, pulling her phone out to make a call. “Hey Jo,” she says, looking at her phone, “Uh, Tobin got triggered by something and I’m kinda freaking out about how we should handle it,” she switches the view so Jo, Tobin’s therapist, can see what’s going on. 

Sinc, Sonnet, Allie and Kling appear at Alex’s side, Alex shushing them and pushing them around the corner. 

“HAO’s talking to Tobin’s therapist so we know how to handle this properly,” Alex explains quietly, tears coming down, as they hear Tobin begin sobbing. 

Five minutes later, HAO appears, looking grim. 

“Who knows where Tobin keeps her Valium?” she asks, looking at the group. 

“I do!” Allie answers quickly. 

“Will you go and get it?” HAO asks. Allie is gone before she finishes her question. 

“Will she take it?” Kling asks, “She hates pills now.” 

HAO nods, “I know. Jo wants us to reenact the crash a little, have Tobin think that we can see Christen and get her to a bed. She thinks she’s too far gone for us to try and bring her out of the flashback. She wants her to take the Valium and hopefully she’ll just pass out.” She explains. 

“Alex and I need to be the ones to talk to her,” Emily insists. “We were there. You guys weren’t.” 

“Good point.” HAO admits. 

“How are we doing this?” Alex asks not looking forward to this at all. She takes a deep breath to gain some courage. 

“Here’s the plan,” HAO says, laying it out for them. Christie comes up as HAO is explaining it. 

 

“Oh my God,” she exclaims, “Reece told me what happened, what can I do?” 

HAO nods, “We need you for this.” They all take a deep breath before turning the corner to face Tobin. 

 

 

“Tobin?” Emily asks, laying a hand on her shoulder. “Tobin, we need to get help for you and Christen.” She says squatting down next to her. 

“Can I help you guys?” Alex asks, appearing on Tobin’s other side. 

Tobin looks at them, her face deathly pale, streaked with tears. “Christen needs help,” she says, her voice rough from screaming. 

“Hey, we need some help over here!” Alex calls out, waving out to Sinc and Christie. 

They come up to them. “We need to get you both stable,” Sinc says, “let’s take you over here.” 

“I can’t leave her,” Tobin insists, holding the pillow close. 

“We’ll move you guys together,” Emily soothes, “it will be okay.” 

They get in place, Sinc carefully holding the back of the pillow, Emily and Alex at Tobin’s side. 

“On your count we go,” Christie instructs. 

They move as a group, Christie holding open the door to Alex’s dorm room, making sure a sheet is laid out and Christen, the pillow, is gently placed on it. They have Tobin lean against the headboard next to her, pillows cushioning her back and head. 

HAO strides in and inspects Christen, nodding to Christie. Allie comes in with a water bottle and produces a pill for Tobin to take. 

“You need this for your injuries,” she insists, holding it out for Tobin to take. 

“I-I can’t,” Tobin shakes her head. 

“You need to take this so we can help Christen,” HAO informs her, laying a hand on her shoulder. 

Tobin clamps her mouth shut, shaking her head. 

“If you don’t take this, we can’t help Christen,” HAO says sternly, threatening her. She's praying Tobin will agree. 

Tobin’s eyes open wide at that, looking at them, clearly not recognizing them and then she hesitantly takes the pill, chews it up and drinks some water, grimacing as she swallows it down. 

“Okay,” Sinc says, “we’re gonna move her so we can operate and get her better, okay?” she says, looking at Tobin. 

“Okay,” Tobin nods, slouching back into the pillows. She lays a hand out and strokes the pillow, crying softly. 

Sinc and HAO lift the sheet carrying Christen and take it of the room. 

“You just sit back and relax,” Alex says softly, kneeling next to Tobin on the bed, wiping away the sweaty hairs that have fallen over her face. “You’ll be feeling better soon,” 

“Chris,” Tobin cries out. 

“She’s getting help,” Alex informs her, placing a hand on her shoulder. 

“Chris!” Tobin calls out louder, getting agitated and looking around the room.

“You need to stay here,” Alex says firmly, pressing her hand to keep Tobin in place. 

Emily approaches the bed and hands Alex a warm washcloth who takes it and begins to gently wipe Tobin’s face. Tobin closes her eyes as Alex cleans her up. Her breathing slowing down, even though she is still crying softly, her shoulders are loosening up as her body begins to relax. 

“Lex, are you hurt?” Tobin questions softly, her voice shot. 

“My necks hurts a little,” Alex replies, “I’m okay, though.” 

Tobin looks at Emily with drowsy eyes, “How are you?” 

“My stomach hurts from the seatbelt, but I’ll get checked out in a minute.” Emily nods. 

“How do you feel?” Alex asks Tobin, scared of the reply. 

“Really weird,” she says, her head bobbing a little, “super tired.” 

“Just relax,” Alex soothes, “close your eyes.” 

“But Chris” Tobin starts.

“We’ll be here, we won’t leave.” Emily promises, running her hand on Tobin’s forearm. 

Through half open eyes, Tobin looks slowly around the room. She sees Sinc, Allie, Christie, Kling and HAO gathered. 

“Wait,” she says, slowly shifting, “what are they doing here, what is going on?” 

No one answers her. 

“They weren’t there, were they?” Tobin looks at Alex, clearly confused, “what is happening?” her words beginning to slur. She struggles a little to move, but Alex keeps a firm hand on her shoulder. She doesn’t fight much, obviously from being exhausted and the pill beginning to kick in. She tries to keep her head up but her eyes close as she drifts to sleep, head hanging forward. Alex gently moves her head back to rest on the pillows and looks up at everyone. 

“I think we did it,” HAO says softly, her voice uneven, tears in her eyes. 

The others nod in agreement, afraid to make much noise. There’s a soft knock on the door and Sinc opens it to reveal Becky and Morgan with wide eyes showing concern. 

“Everything okay now?” Becky asks as they enter, seeing Tobin on the bed with Alex next to her. 

“I think so,” HAO answers. “What’s in there?” she gestures to the cooler her and Morgan each have a hand on carrying. 

“Thought y’all could use a drink,” Morgan drawls, her accent coming out. 

“Fuck, I love you guys,” Kling says, heading towards them as they set it down and open the top. 

Sinc disappears from the room and returns a minute later with a blanket and extra pillows. She brings them to Alex and helps her get comfortable next to Tobin. Tobin, feeling the shifting in the bed, leans closer to Alex. 

Alex wraps her arm around Tobin and Tobin slides down to rest her head on Alex’s chest. She’s mumbling something but they can’t understand it. They’re silent until she stops, hearing her sigh deeply and settle down. 

“Reece is okay,” Becky says to Christie, “she was upset and almost punched that Drake kid for being so insensitive.” 

“Who’s kid is he?” Kling questions. 

“Abby’s new wife,” Morgan answers, making a face. 

“Anyway,” Becky continues, “he was upset, he really had no idea Tobin was there.” 

“I’m gonna call Jo and let her know everything’s okay now,” HAO announces, grabbing a beer and slips out of the room. 

“That was awful,” Sinc says, her voice trembling, “I’m so upset for all of you.” 

“I can’t even imagine what terror Tobin’s been through.” Allie says quietly, glancing at her sleeping form on the bed. 

“I thought I had it rough carrying my own arm out of the plane,” Morgan states, “but this,” she shakes her head, “it’s amazing how far she’s come.” 

“I can’t imagine having to live with that memory.” Christie murmurs. 

“What do you think triggered it?” Kling asks, she wants answers. 

Everyone looks around the room at each other. 

“Well,” Alex says, taking a sip of her beer, “she was really tired and we were about to leave, then she saw Reece and the boys looking bored. So, she went and got a game set up for them.”

“She overhead Drake and then boom.” Christie adds. 

“Maybe the TV falling?” Allie suggests. 

Alex shrugs a little, “It was a very emotional day for her,” she says, “you’ve got to remember this was almost like her first time doing this. She wasn’t stoned, drunk or on pills. Today was pretty raw for her.” 

“Combine that with being tired,” Kling says, nodding her head, “that sounds like a recipe for a flashback, her defenses were down.” 

“You okay?” Sinc nudges Emily, who’s been quiet. 

“Yeah,” she sighs, “it was just hard to go through that again.” Sinc slings her arm around her, squeezing her. 

HAO slips back in the room, grabbing another beer and sitting on the floor. 

“Can I ask you guys something?” Alex says, looking at Becky, Morgan and Emily. They nod. 

She sets her empty bottle down on the nightstand. “Uh, have you ever seen anyone? Like, anyone that died?” she asks quietly, her voice laced with uncertainty. 

The room is silent. 

Finally, Becky nods, “When I was rehabbing my leg,” she looks around the room, “I seriously was struggling. I didn’t know if I would play again or anything, but I was having a few bad days.” She says, “It was the strangest, like, stupidest, thing.” She takes a sip of her beer. 

“I went through a car wash and as soon as the car started moving, I looked out my side mirror, when I turned back, Ashlyn was sitting next to me. She was smiling at me and told me how fierce I was and I shouldn’t give up. She told me I would be awesome on the Para-Olympic Team and should set my sights for making the team.” 

She looks at them. “Honestly, I wasn’t even thinking about trying to play, I was more concerned about just trying to walk. She told how me their defense sucked and I would bring them so much success and people would start coming to see them play.” 

She shrugs, “Then she was gone, the car wash was over and I had to pull into a parking lot to bawl my eyes out for a half an hour.” 

 

“The first time, I thought it was the drugs.” Emily says, “I was still in the hospital and was just miserable. I didn’t know who was dead or who was alive and was alone in my room. It was the middle of the night and Lindsey came in and talked to me, telling me everything I wanted know and set me at peace.” She flinches at the memory.

“Two days later, I found out she didn’t make it.” 

“Holy shit,” Kling murmurs, looking around. 

 

“I panicked my first game back, I don’t know why, but I was super nervous and I went back into the locker room during warm ups and was throwing up in the bathroom. I felt someone rubbing my back and I suddenly felt calm and knew everything would be okay. I looked up and it was Alyssa. She smiled at me and then disappeared.” Morgan says, her voice shaky, “I’ve never seen her since but I thank her before I go out on the field every single time.” 

The room turns to Alex, looking expectantly at her. “Uh, I uh, saw Christen, last year. I freaked out and went in my kitchen and pulled a knife on her.” She gives a soft laugh. “It was crazy. We sat at my kitchen table and talked about Tobin.” She nods her head. 

Her eyes well with tears, “She told me how it didn’t hurt, she felt a moment of pressure and then that was it. She knew it was going to happen.” She cries softly, holding her hand to her mouth. “She told me how she wished Tobin hadn’t found her, she felt awful for what she was going through.” 

They’re silent as they wipe their eyes. A few of them reach for another beer. 

“How should we play this tomorrow when we see Tobs tomorrow, HAO?” Allie asks. 

“Jo said to just let Tobin dictate how we should act. If she brings it up, so be it. But other than that, just however best you feel.” HAO replies. 

“This is a crazy idea, but” Kling says, “Tobin said how she convinced herself seeing Ash and Kelley and Christen was a dream. I’m pretty positive she felt like she was going crazy or something.” She looks around the room. “Maybe you survivors should get together or group text or something and share these stories of your visits. It really might help.” 

Becky nods. “Kling, that’s a pretty amazing idea.” Morgan nods as well, “I like it. Some of the others don’t really share what they’re feeling too much. If someone visited them, I bet they feel like they’re crazy.” 

“I wonder if Tobin talking last night will spark something,” Emily adds, “like, making others feel more open, you know? I certainly felt a little crazy after seeing Linds.” 

Alex yawns, nodding her head. 

HAO looks around, “Let’s call it a night,” she says, “Alex are you good with her?” 

“Yeah,” she replies, “if one of you could bring me my contact case and glasses from the bathroom, that would be awesome.” 

Allie strides into the bathroom and returns, handing the case to Alex and setting her glasses on the nightstand. “Need anything else?” 

“Tobin brought a backpack, it’s in the main lobby,” she trails off, feeling exhausted. 

“I’ll get it,” Morgan offers, trotting out of the room. 

“I hope you have a good night,” Allie says to Alex, “text me if you need anything.” 

Alex nods, burrowing in under the blanket. 

They offer their goodnights, shutting off lights, Morgan setting the backpack on the dresser and leaving the bathroom light on with the door almost shut. 

Alex takes out her contacts and then shifts her body so she’s facing Tobin, wrapping a leg over hers and pulling her in towards her so she can hold her. She feels Tobin’s body react to her touch. Just as she’s drifting off to sleep, the room fills with a flowery scent. 

Alex knows it’s Christen’s perfume and she kisses Tobin’s forehead before falling asleep, feeling comforted.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of Tobin's flashback and the days that follow.

May 30, 2022

 

Alex opens her eyes and sees she’s facing Tobin in the bed. Sometime during the night, they both slid down from the headboard to lie flat. Pillows are scattered everywhere, but Alex can feel Tobin’s warm leg hooked over hers and one of her hands is on her hip. 

Tobin’s eyes are closed, soft snores coming from her, her forehead still showing that tension crease, even in her sleep. Alex sees her neck, the jagged scars coming up from her shoulder where she had been impaled by shrapnel from the plane crash. 

Alex thinks about how Tobin was in surgery for hours, the doctors trying to close up her wounds from her neck and shoulder. Coming out of surgery she was listed as critical due to the possibly of having blood clots in her carotid artery or heart from her injuries. 

Alex visited her once before she was awake, sitting with her parents and then her siblings as they arrived. Alex herself had a bad case of whiplash, bruises but incredibly no broken bones. She was one of the few walking miracles from the crash. 

She saw her again a few days later, restrained to the bed, unable to move, sedated and barely conscious. Coming out of the anesthesia, she was combative and hysterical upon realizing Christen was gone. 

Alex sobbed in the hallway, clutching on to Perry, unable to deal with the pain she saw Tobin in. 

Somehow Tobin was able to come to the National Team camp the following month. She didn’t play, due to her injuries, just trained lightly, and she clearly wasn’t herself. She was medicated, groggy for the most of it, only really showing any energy when she had a ball on her foot. 

It was at this camp they all learned of Kelley’s passing. Her injuries had been just too much to overcome, she had never regained consciousness, balancing between life and death for over thirty days after the crash. Alex swore she saw a shift in Tobin’s demeanor upon hearing the news about Kelley. 

Over the next two years she watched as Tobin spiraled into the darkest depths she had ever seen. Her once sunny disposition was gone, she barely spoke, she slept all the time. It was amazing the positive transformation Tobin had undergone in the last year. 

Alex doesn’t kid herself that the old Tobin would ever be back. She knows that’s not possible. Tobin’s been through too much for that to ever be able to happen. But she’s been seeing more and more of her old personality in the last six months, the melancholy demeanor fading in her presence just a little more. 

She looks at her sleeping face, she still has that crease on her forehead, though. The one that makes it look like her sleep is never truly restful. Alex prays for that to leave her one day soon. 

Tobin starts moving, stretching her legs and shifting to her other side, sighing heavily and straightening her back before curling up and pulling the covers over her shoulder.   
Alex rubs her back, hearing a small moan, and seeing Tobin relax into the mattress. How will she be when she wakes up, she wonders. Alex can’t imagine what her feelings would be if she was in Tobin’s shoes. She grabs her phone, realizes it’s only six thirty in the morning and pulls up Google. 

What the fuck do I Google, she wonders. She starts with PTSD and goes from there. An hour later, she feels herself getting sleepy and she puts down her phone and snuggles back under the covers. She has a greater understanding of what Tobin was experiencing and feels a bit more prepared to talk to her when she wakes up. 

Alex slides over and wraps herself Tobin, sliding a leg over hers and bringing her arm around her. She finds one of Tobin’s hands and gently takes it in hers. Sleep comes to her quickly. 

 

Alex hears the soft click of her door and sleepily turns her head to see Sinc and HAO enter. HAO is carrying a tray and Sinc has a small stack of papers in her hand. 

“Hey,” Alex says quietly as she slowly untangles herself from Tobin. “Good morning,” 

“Hey,” Sinc says giving her a small smile, “how was your night?” 

Alex sits up, “It was fine, she hasn’t woken up at all yet.” 

HAO sets the tray down on the small table across the room. “We brought you breakfast.” She announces. 

“What time is it?” Alex questions as she rubs her eyes and reaches to put her glasses on. 

“Around nine-thirty,” Sinc states, “we weren’t sure what you wanted to do,” she shrugs. 

“This is awesome,” Alex says getting out of bed, “thanks so much.” 

She heads to the bathroom and returns a few minutes later going directly to the table. She adds some cream and sugar to her coffee and looks up at them. “How is everybody today?” she asks as she sits at the table. 

HAO bobs her head, “A little subdued, but that’s understandable.” 

“A-Rod suggested everyone write a note to Tobin, seeing as how most will be gone soon,” Sinc says, waving the papers in her hand. “they all thought that was a brilliant idea.” 

“Are Reese and those boys okay?” Alex wonders. 

“Yeah, that Drake felt awful but he’s okay,” HAO shakes her head, “Abby made a show of parenting him for all of us.” Abby was on her fourth wife and her life choices were a little questionable. Sinc suppresses a grin at that. So does Alex.

“I talked to Jo this morning,” HAO offers, looking over at Tobin, “she thinks Tobs will out for a while. It’s a strong dosage because her flashbacks are so awful.” 

“How long?” Alex asks as she begins eating. 

“Sometime this afternoon, maybe?” HAO shrugs her shoulders. Alex nods. 

“Would you guys mind hanging out for a bit while I shower?” Alex asks, looking over at Tobin, “I’d hate for her to wake up alone.” 

“No problem,” HAO nods at her, “I can stick around,” 

“So, uh,” Sinc begins, looking at Alex, “after we left last night, Lauren found us. She’ll be over soon, by the way, but she was with Christie when it all went down and she got the full story. Everyone could hear Tobin yelling for Christen when she left the room, you know.” 

“Yeah?” Alex wonders where this is leading. 

“So, she got with Rachel, you know Buehler, and talked to her. Rach knows a bit about PTSD.” HAO joins in. 

“Uh huh,” Alex says as she sips her coffee. 

“Anyway, they got everyone back into the main room and Lauren just kind of announced what they all witnessed was Tobin having a PTSD episode and then Rachel came up and spoke about it and informed people about how to act when one is happening and after and stuff like that.” 

“Wow,” Alex says as she finishes chewing. “That’s pretty awesome.” 

“Yeah, Lauren’s on the ball.” HAO nods. “I think because Tobin spoke last night, maybe she felt she wasn’t invading her privacy, you know?” 

“I could see that.” Sinc agrees. 

Alex nods in agreement. Sinc gets up and puts a couple of covered dishes in the small fridge. “You can heat these up later if you want. I told housekeeping not to bother you guys.” 

“Cool, thanks,” Alex gives her a smile. 

“I’m gonna head back, make sure everything is going fine.” Sinc says as she nears the door. “Tell Tobin I’ve got it handled and she shouldn’t worry about anything today, okay?” 

“I will,” Alex nods. “Thanks so much for all you’ve done.” 

“I’m sure I’ll see you later.” Sinc smiles as she heads out. HAO raises her eyebrows at Alex questioningly. 

Alex blushes. “I’m moving in with Tobin. I’m signing with the Thorns tomorrow.” 

“Seriously?” HAO smiles, “That’s fucking awesome Alex, I’m so happy for you.” She reclines in her seat. “You guys are going to give it a shot, huh?” 

Alex nods, still blushing. 

“I’m really happy for you both.” She says sincerely. “You’re good for each other.” 

A light knock gets HAO out of her chair as Alex finishes her breakfast. Lauren enters, looking at the bed. “How is she?” she asks, her voice full of concern. 

“Okay,” Alex says. “She hasn’t been up yet, HAO says her doctor thinks she’ll be out for a while.” 

“It was almost midnight when we gave her the Valium,” HAO explains, “and it’s a high dose that Tobin hasn’t really taken in awhile.” 

Lauren strides over to the bed, looking down at Tobin with sad eyes. “She was doing so well,” she says softly. 

“We think it was a combination of her having a really emotional day and then being super tired when she heard Drake talking.” Alex explains. 

Lauren nods and takes a seat at the table. “I just can’t even imagine what she’s been through.” She looks at Alex. “What do you think she’s going to do if the whole Federation business becomes public?” 

Alex shakes her head, “My gut says she won’t do a thing.” HAO and Lauren look at her. “She’s been in the program since she’s been fourteen, she’s loyal. Dawn had such a hard time convincing her to switch therapists and she didn’t want to because she thought it would offend them or something. They’ve given her a career, success, you name it. I just think she’ll want to let it die off without talking about it.” 

Both women nod, knowing Alex has a valid point into Tobin’s possible reaction. 

“I think Abby will sue.” HAO says quietly. 

Lauren nods. “I think she wanted to after her addiction problems came out years ago.” 

“I love Abby,” Alex says quietly, “I really do, but I feel that she was always looking to blame others and not take responsibility for her problems. I’m sure it was a lot more involved and we don’t know all the details, but you might be right HAO.” 

“I just think this new broad she’s with will see the dollar signs and make her go for it.” HAO shrugs. 

“Yeah, she’s a piece of work,” Lauren snorts. 

“What time are you out of here?” Alex asks Lauren. 

“I have to leave in about an hour.” Lauren replies, still looking over at Tobin. “I’m gonna snuggle her for a bit, okay?” She leaves her seat and lays on the bed, inching behind Tobin and wrapping her arm around her, her body in full contact with her. 

HAO stands up, “I’m gonna head out,” she says and Alex rises to hug her. “I’ll be back here when the Courage plays the Thorns so I guess I’ll see you in a few weeks.” She smiles, hugging Alex tightly. “Good luck with everything, I think it will go fine.” 

“Thanks,” Alex says as they stand back, “I think it will too.” 

HAO leaves the room, giving Lauren a tap on her back and bidding her farewell. 

“Laur,” Alex says, “I’m gonna take a quick shower, okay?” 

“Yeah,” she replies quietly. 

Alex emerges from the bathroom a half an hour later, feeling refreshed. She sees Lauren sitting up in bed, wiping her eyes. 

“You okay?” she questions, sitting next to her. 

“Yeah,” Lauren says giving her a rueful smile, “I’m just gonna miss her. I plan on coming out when Jrue plays the Blazers but that’s not for a while.” 

“Maybe I can convince Tobin for a road trip when the league is on their next International Break?” Alex suggests. She knows she will never ask Tobin to get on a plane. 

“That would be great, we’ll talk.” Lauren says as she stands. Alex gets up and they hug. “I’m so happy for you guys,” she says softly. 

“Thanks,” Alex says smiling, “it feels really good.” 

“I’ll talk to you guys in a few days, then.” Lauren states as she let’s Alex go, “Call me if you need anything, okay?” She has her hand on the door. 

“Will do,” Alex promises. Then Lauren is gone. 

Alex sighs and looks over at Tobin. She hasn’t moved since before, curled in a ball, not her normal sleeping position. It’s not even noon yet, so Alex doesn’t think she’ll be awake anytime soon. She flicks on the TV, opens the windows in the room to let in some fresh air and settles into bed next to her, laying a hand on her side as she flicks the channel. She finds a soccer match and leaves it on, grabbing her phone to check in and see what’s going on. 

At some point Alex drifts off, TV going with the sound down, phone in hand. She’s dreaming about being on a bus on her way to a game, but the road is bumpy and they’re shaking in their seats. Someone’s moaning and the shaking is getting worse when she opens her eyes and find herself on the bed. She looks over and sees Tobin’s shaking form, chattering away as if she was freezing. 

“Tobin?” she calls out quietly, rubbing her hand across her side, “you awake?” 

Tobin mumbles something she can’t understand and then shifts her body, lying flat on her back. She’s still talking but Alex can’t comprehend what she’s trying to say. She shakes her little, attempting to get her awake. 

Tobin’s eyes flutter open, wincing at the brightness and close quickly. She turns her head to face Alex, bringing a shaky hand up to shade her eyes. “Hey,” she says, her voice low and rough, sounding painful. 

“Hey,” Alex replies, giving her a small smile. 

Tobin blinks a few times, letting her eyes adjust. They’re bloodshot and she looks tired. She swallows and moves her tongue around her mouth, grimacing at the feel. “Ugh,” she moans. 

“How’re you feeling?” Alex questions, sliding down a little to face her. 

“Like shit,” Tobin mumbles, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. “My mouth tastes awful, like, did we drink Malort or something?” 

Alex shakes her head, “No, hon, we didn’t.” 

Tobin looks at her and Alex can see the moment as the memory of last night comes back to her. Her face goes through a series of emotions: confusion, fear, sadness and embarrassment. Her breathing begins to increase, she looks at Alex, panic in her eyes. 

“I freaked out, didn’t I?” Tobin asks, her eyes big, creases on her forehead. 

“No,” Alex says softly, calmly, “you had a flashback and we helped you.” 

Tobin suddenly sits up, then holds a hand to her head, swaying slightly. Alex puts her hand on her shoulder. “You alright?” she asks. 

“Dizzy,” Tobin croaks, her voice raw. 

“Scootch back,” Alex instructs, grabbing a pillow and placing it behind her back. Tobin moves slowly, both hands now on her head. 

“You gonna be sick?” Alex questions. 

“No, just dizzy.” Tobin replies leaning her head back and closing her eyes. She’s trying to control her breathing, taking in air through her nose and letting it out through her mouth, pursing her lips as if she’s doing yoga. 

She brings her hands down and opens her eyes to look at Alex, tears forming. “Are those kids okay? I didn’t scare Reese, did I?” her voice cracking as if she might cry at any moment. 

“No, they’re fine, they were a little shook up, but they’re okay.” Alex comforts, “Christie and Lauren and Rachel spoke with them, they’re okay.” Tobin sighs, letting a deep breath out. 

“Uh, I really have to pee,” Tobin says, moving slowly and sliding her legs off the bed and sitting for a moment. Her hands grip the side of the bed. 

“Still dizzy?” Alex asks, sliding out of bed and moving next to her, a hand on her shoulder. 

“Yeah,” Tobin replies, sniffing and scratching her jaw. 

“We had you take a Valium last night,” Alex explains quietly, “you chewed it, so that’s why your mouth tastes funny.” 

Tobin slowly looks up at her, “I didn’t hurt anyone, did I?” her voice is rough and small, her eyes full of fear. 

“No,” Alex rubs her shoulder, “you didn’t, but you were very upset and Jo thought it best.” 

“She was here?” Tobin’s confused. 

“No,” Alex says, sitting next to her, “HAO called her to make sure we helped you properly.” 

Tobin nods and sighs. 

“I should get to the bathroom,” she says and lifts herself up, one hand leaning on the bed, her legs unsteady. Alex grabs her arm and they slowly walk to the bathroom. Alex makes sure she won’t fall and leaves to give her some privacy. She stands near the door, hears the toilet flush and then water run. She pokes her head around and sees Tobin washing her hands. 

“Steady?” she asks, looking at Tobin’s reflection in the mirror. Tobin nods. “Just out of it, foggy.” 

“Want to take your contacts out and brush your teeth?” Alex asks, leaning a hand on the counter. Tobin nods, “That would be awesome,” 

Alex retrieves her back pack and sets it on the counter. Tobin opens the front zippered pocket, leaning against the sink, and pulls out her toothbrush case, toothpaste and her contact case. She fishes around in the second compartment and finds her glasses. 

“I’m super shaky,” Tobin observes, her hand unsteady as she applies the toothpaste. 

“It’s probably the Valium and you haven’t eaten in a while so your blood sugar is down.” Alex offers, placing her hand on her back. 

“What time is it?” Tobin asks with a mouth full of toothpaste, some dribbling out of a corner onto her chin. 

“It’s almost two,” Alex says quietly. Tobin’s eyebrows shoot up and then she shakes her head. 

“I’m going to heat up some breakfast for you, okay?” Alex suggests, “You’ll be alright?” 

“Yeah,” Tobin replies, nodding her head. “I’ll call if I need a hand,” 

“Okay, be right back,” Alex smiles and then leaves the bathroom. 

Alex has one plate warmed up and on the table, the coffee maker chugging away and another plate in the microwave heating up when Tobin appears, trailing a hand on the wall, still a bit unsteady and slowly walking towards her. 

She’s still in her clothes from last night and is disheveled, but she’s brushed her hair and pulled it into a ponytail. She sits heavily in the chair Alex has pulled out for her. 

“Stomach okay?” she questions. 

“Yeah, just super thirsty,” Tobin says, seeing the Gatorade on the table and grabbing it. 

She eats quietly, lost in thought and Alex keeps her distance, not wanting to ask her the hundreds of questions on her mind. Alex notes that Tobin eats well, finishing off a stack of pancakes, the bacon and some eggs before placing her fork down. She sips her coffee and looks at Alex thoughtfully. 

“So pretty much everyone saw it, huh?” she comments, her voice low and quiet. 

“Not really,” Alex shakes her head. “Let’s go lay in bed and I’ll tell you whatever you want to know, huh? You look really tired still.” 

Tobin nods, “Yeah, I’m feeling kind of funky. Like, not myself,” she admits. 

“We can talk about it later if you want,” Alex offers, “we can just nap if you prefer.” 

“Yeah, maybe that would be better,” Tobin reasons, “I’m still kind of out of it, you know?” 

Alex nods and gets up, rearranging the pillows and blankets. 

Tobin is lying in the bed, eyes on the ceiling. “It happened so fast, Lex,” she says quietly, “It was like, I knew it was coming and I couldn’t do anything about it,” 

Alex turns to look at her. 

“I just wanted to get away from Reece and those boys,” she says, swallowing hard, “I didn’t want to scare them.” 

Alex rubs Tobin’s arm. 

“When I turned, I was back on the plane, all I could think about was finding Chris.” She finishes, a tear slowly sliding from her eyes, heading towards her ear. 

Alex softly places her hand on Tobin’s chin and turns her head to look at her. Tobin’s eyes are tired and sad. 

“I feel so stupid,” Tobin says, her voice wavering, more tears threatening to flow. 

She doesn’t know what compels her, but Alex scoots over and lays on top of Tobin, looking down directly at her. 

“Nobody thinks you’re stupid, Tobin,” she says, looking intently at her, “in fact, if anything, they think you’re pretty amazing. You’ve made such positive gains in a short amount of time, you’re so strong, you’re so determined to get stable, you’ve been clean,” she shakes her head, “I’m so proud of you.” 

Tobin blinks back tears as she looks into Alex’s blue eyes, “I don’t feel super stable right now, Lex,” she says quietly, her eyes moving to Alex’s lips. 

“What can I do to convince you that everything will be okay?” Alex asks, her eyes searching into Tobin’s.

“Kiss me,” Tobin husks, her voice low, needy. 

Alex dips down and their lips meet. It’s slow and soft, with Tobin the one to poke her tongue out, exploring Alex’s lips, Alex opens her mouth to meet her insistent tongue and they come together, twisting and tasting each other. It’s new and exciting and yet old and familiar. 

Alex brings her hand to the side of Tobin’s head, holding her gently as they kiss. Tobin’s hands find Alex’s back, roaming slowly up and down, fingertips just lightly scratching her shirt. It’s soft and gentle and when they break apart they smile at each other. 

Alex sees the lust in Tobin’s eyes, she knows she wants her. They haven’t had sex since that last time in Portland, neither one of them letting things get too far out of control. In fact, as Alex dips her head in to kiss her passionately, they haven’t even really made out like this yet as well. Tobin moans in her mouth, sending Alex to a new level of horniness. 

She wants her. Badly. She wants to make her feel amazing and when she feels Tobin’s hands on her ass, Alex flicks her hips to thrust into Tobin’s. 

They continue on at this slow pace and Alex works worked up more from the sounds Tobin’s making. When she moves her hips in a circular motion to grind against Tobin, she feels her freeze suddenly beneath her. Alex breaks free of their kiss and sees a little panic in her eyes. 

“We should slow down,” Alex says, kissing Tobin’s lips softly. “we shouldn’t do this right now.” 

Tobin nods as the panic leaves her eyes, “I want to,” she says roughly, holding Alex close, “I really do,” she says as she strokes Alex’s hair with one hand, “I’m not ready yet, Lex.” 

“I know,” Alex says, smiling sweetly at her, “I want you,” she kisses her again, “but I want you when you’re ready, I won’t push.” 

“Thank you,” Tobin says, a slow smile spreading across her face, “you’re so considerate.” 

“Let’s just nap here for a little bit,” Alex suggests as she moves over and curls into Tobin’s side, “maybe you’ll feel less shaky when we get up.” 

Tobin kisses Alex’s forehead, “Sounds like a plan,” she says sleepily as she links her fingers with Alex’s. 

Alex gives her a squeeze and then settles in on her side, draping a leg over Tobin. The two fall asleep quickly. 

 

Alex takes one last look around the room, spying her phone charger plugged in to one of the lamp bases and retrieves, stuffing it into her purse. 

“That’s it?” Tobin questions as she slings her backpack on one shoulder, hand on the strap. 

“Yep,” Alex says grabbing the handle of her suitcase. Tobin pulling the other one into the hallway. They leave the dorm, both squinting at the bright sunlight as they view the deserted grounds. There’s only three cars parked in the drop off area, the cleaning crew finishing their duties in the dorms. 

“When did you want to get your stuff?” Tobin asks as they walk the meandering path to her house. 

“Uh, maybe tomorrow, if that’s alright?” Alex replies. 

Tobin nods, “Are you getting hungry yet?”

“Not really, maybe a snack or something?” Alex shrugs. 

“I can do snacks,” Tobin smiles broadly at her. 

“Did you maybe want to come with to PP tomorrow when I sign?” Alex asks quietly, the rolling of the suitcase wheels slightly overpowering the birds chirping as they walk. “Then we could go to the storage unit?” 

“Did you already do your physical?” Tobin asks looking over at her. 

“Yep!” Alex smiles, “just signing the contract.” 

“Cameras and press?” Tobin asks, arching an eyebrow. 

Alex shakes her head. “Just a photos of me with Gavin and my jersey.” 

“Still thirteen?” 

Alex giggles, “Yeah, I called Savannah and asked if she’d be willing to switch.” 

Tobin’s eyebrows shoot up, “Oh yeah, that’s right,” she says, realizing that number was taken. 

“I told her it was cool if she wanted to keep it but she insisted.” Alex states, shaking her head. “I asked if I could give her something for it.” 

“What did she say?” Tobin asks, a smile playing on her lips. 

“She didn’t want anything,” Alex replies. “But then I called Allie and asked her for ideas.” 

Allie and Bati had settled into Portland permanently last year after Allie signed a three year deal to finish her career as a Thorn. 

“What did you do?” Tobin asks, her eyes narrowing in on Alex. 

“I bought her a car.” Alex shrugs, “Allie told me she was driving a piece of crap, so when I got here a few days ago, I met up with Sav and we went shopping.” 

Tobin breaks out in laughter, throwing her head back as she walks. “That’s awesome!” 

“Yeah, she had no clue,” Alex grins wildly, “we met for lunch and I got on the subject of cars, telling her I was in the market, which I am, so she started talking about her favorites.” 

“Oh man, that’s so rad!” Tobin exclaims, shaking her head. 

“Yeah, so then I convinced her we should go test driving and one thing led to another and she got a car.” Alex grins, smiling at the memory. “She was crying, she was so grateful and excited. It was awesome.” 

“I bet.” Tobin agrees. 

“It felt really good to do,” Alex muses, “I think I want to do something like that for the whole team. You know, like, a give back or something.” She bumps Tobin’s shoulder, “Kinda like how you bought all those houses for the team to live in for free.” 

Tobin blushes and shakes her head. The league was doing well but they still had a way to go before players could completely live comfortably on their salaries if they weren’t allocated. 

“You can’t steal my give back idea, Lex.” Tobin teases, shaking her head, “stick with the car thing, the player’s lot is full of old ones.” 

“Hm,” Alex nods her head, thinking of the possibilities. 

 

Sunday, May 31, 2022

 

“Sweet Jesus, I forgot how many clothes you have!” Tobin exclaims as she brings yet another box into Alex’s bedroom. “I’m going to have build an addition just for your gowns.” 

Alex rolls her eyes at her as she hangs up another shirt in the closet. “I’m going to go through them and get rid of a bunch of it,” she sasses back at her, “don’t worry, I know you have space in your closet.” 

Tobin crosses her arms and shakes her head. “Not happening. No way. No how.” She says firmly, but the smile across her face tells the story. 

“Actually,” Alex says as she hangs another shirt up and faces Tobin, “I really was thinking of going through the gowns, I certainly don’t need as many now, but anyway, what do think if I offered some of the ones I wore to big events to Stand Together? Maybe they could do an auction or something and raise some money.” 

Tobin strides across the room and takes Alex in her arms, hugging her tightly, “I think that would be an amazing idea, Lex,” she says softly, giving her a squeeze, “they would appreciate it so much.” 

“Well, I just figured it’s a pretty big deal that I’m back here and this would be a good time to do it.” Alex shrugs, looking at her. 

“What would you do with your other stuff?” Tobin questions. 

“Donate it anonymously.” Alex states. “I’d want to find like a shelter or those places where they sell prom dresses super cheap, maybe even the nicer clothes could go to help women needing something for interviews or whatever.” 

“That’s an awesome idea,” Tobin says as she looks down at a wardrobe box marked ‘Formal’, “I can help you look up some places,” she says, pausing as she thinks, “Ooh, I know,” she looks at Alex, “you need to call Susan in the Thorns front office, she’s big into those places.” 

“Awesome!” Alex smiles as she picks up another shirt to hang. 

 

 

Monday, June 1, 2022

 

Tobin sniffles her nose and wipes her eyes, looking up at Alex. She gives her a small smile, “These notes are amazing,” she says softly. She’s just finished going through the stack of notes from the team that Sinc had left in Alex’s room. 

Alex is looking at her from the other end of the couch where she sits. “You okay?” 

“Yeah,” Tobin replies, leaving her seat and going to the kitchen. Alex can hear the faucet running and Tobin returns shortly, drinking from a large glass. She picks up the notes and heads to the kitchen table, “I’m going to message these guys, okay?” she says as she sits down. 

“Of course,” Alex smiles, turning her attention back to her new Thorns playbook. Tobin had come with her to Providence Park that morning, driving Alex there in her dirty, beat up Ford pickup truck. On the way there, Alex breaks out in laughter. 

“What?” Tobin questions, glancing at her. 

“It’s funny,” Alex replies with a giggle. 

“What’s funny?” Tobin asks, her eyebrows shooting up in curiosity. 

“Here’s two multi-millionaires driving to the park where I’m about to sign a contract for the league minimum in this piece of crap truck.” Alex laughs. 

“Hey!” Tobin exclaims, “Don’t call Bessie a piece of crap, she’s a workhorse!” a smile playing at her lips. 

“Sorry, Bessie,” Alex grins as she pats the dashboard, “I just think it’s funny. The money is amazing, but it’s just not everything, you know?” 

Tobin nods, concentrating on the curvy road as they head into the city. 

“I mean,” Alex says, shifting a little to face Tobin, “it’s there but it’s not a big thing to either of us. I just feel so free now, I don’t need the big house, the big parties, the big fancy cars and stuff. None of that really ever made me happy. I was doing it to be seen, doing it because I was told that’s what I should be doing, trying to be this jet set athlete, showing too much skin.” 

“Uh huh,” Tobin nods. 

“I just want simple, uncomplicated now.” Alex states. “I’ve looked at my mentions and seen what people think of me,” she says, playing with a strap on her purse, “I was an asshole. A stuck up, feeling superior asshole.” 

“Well,” Tobin says slowly,” it just goes to show you that people can change. And they change for the better. They can change to be the person they were always intended to be.” She smiles over at her. 

Alex reaches for her hand and squeezes it. “You’re a big part of me changing, babe.” She says quietly. 

Tobin brings Alex’s hand to her lips, glancing at her quickly and then kissing it softly, “You are for me as well.” She says. 

“I just feel like this is a fresh start.” Alex sighs happily. 

“Wait until they release the news of your contract. They’re going to go crazy over that.” Tobin smirks. Alex retired from international play last season, much to the chagrin of Pia. She wanted to go out on top and not be a super sub anymore like her roll was becoming in Orlando. Over the off season she thought hard about her decisions and options, spending many nights in the spring talking to Tobin and finally feeling ready to make a change. 

Her and Servando had divorced, the crash had changed something in Alex. It had shook her to the core and made her rethink everything she thought was true about herself. She found out that she didn’t much like herself. The Orlando lifestyle, weekends boating, partying, the nightlife. Going to red carpet events just because. It wasn’t her. 

She wanted to be simple. She was envious of Tobin. Tobin, who could easily disappear from the public. Who wasn’t hounded by the press as much as she was. Who simply could say no to interviews. 

They talked and Facetimed and Alex found that Tobin was anchoring her, keeping her tethered to her dream of becoming the person she wanted to be. Tobin had a way of listening to her speak and ramble and vent and then, after some contemplation would ask her the hard questions. Gently. Considerately. Making Alex think about her core values. Not judging for who she had become, but encouraging her to be the best version of herself. 

Along the way, Alex found herself falling in love with her all over again. They worked on their friendship, Alex knowing Tobin wasn’t near ready to consider a relationship and they became as close as they once were. 

Alex squeezes Tobin’s hand, looking at her as she drives. “I can’t wait to start this adventure.” She smiles at her. Tobin smiles back and nods. “Me too,” she says.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get a little domestic Alex and Tobin as they remodel the basement. We learn just went down between Ali and Tobin a few years ago and we learn more about Alex's generosity and how she fits in with the Thorns. Tobin has another supernatural encounter.

Tuesday, August 9, 2022

 

Alex enters the house and drops her bag near the door, looking around for Tobin. She should be home, she thinks. She hears a loud noise, like a power tool coming from the basement. She’s only gone down there once, it was unfinished, dusty, dirty, not a place she would want to hangout. 

The door is open in the hallway and Alex can hear music as she approaches. She descends the stairs to find the room lit brightly, a stark contrast to the simple lightbulb hanging from her only other visit. 

“Tobs?” she calls out as she gets to the bottom of the stairs. 

Tobin spins around, screw gun in her hand, “Hey,” she says, smiling at her. Alex walks over and gives her a quick kiss. 

“What are you doing?” Alex asks as she surveys the room. 

“Uh,” Tobin sets the screw gun down and scratches her shoulder, “I thought I’d finish the basement. Make it like, an entertainment room.” 

“You know how to do this?” Alex questions, impressed with her. 

Tobin smiles, “Well, not everything, but I’ve had some people over to help with what I didn’t know how to do.” She leads Alex over to a card table. “Here,” she shoves a piece of paper at her. “this is what I was thinking, I kind of wanted to surprise you, but, well, surprise.” She smiles. 

Alex studies the neat drawing. “What’s this?” she points at an area labeled Alex. 

“Oh, that,” Tobin says, blushing a little, “uh, so you have no room in your room, so I thought I’d make you a wardrobe room, for clothes, jackets, whatever.” 

“You’re making me a closet?” Alex asks, feeling a pang of emotion. 

Tobin nods her head. “I want you to be comfortable, babe.” She says quietly. 

“I am comfortable, babe,” Alex argues, taking one of her hands. 

“You have boxes all over the place, I’m shocked you can find your bed.” Tobin grins. 

Alex just looks at her, seeing the sweat trickle down from the side of her head. “This is very sweet, babe,” she kisses her softly, “I want to help.” 

Tobin moves her face back in surprise, “You do?” 

“Yeah, I do.” Alex replies. 

“You’ve never held a hammer in your life.” Tobin says slowly, “Are you sure?” 

“Positive,” Alex says, “I’m gonna put on some jeans and better shoes and I’ll be down.” She says taking a step back, “Uh, do I get to pick out the color of my closet?” she smiles at her. 

Tobin laughs, shaking her head, “Of course!” 

For the next two weeks, Alex would help Tobin after her practices and on her off days. When they finished the basement, they looked around, proud of their accomplishment. 

“I’m really glad you didn’t hire someone to do the whole thing,” Alex says laying her head on Tobin’s shoulder as they stand in the room, surveying their work. 

“Me too,” Tobin agrees, “I mean, doing the electricity, plumbing and heating and stuff was out of my league, but insulating and putting up the walls was cool.” 

Alex rubs Tobin’s back, “You did a great job.” 

Tobin pulls her close, “You did too, babe,” she kisses her softly “I’m so glad we did this together.” 

“So am I.” Alex agrees, kissing her back. 

 

 

Saturday, September 10, 2022

 

 

Tobin shuts off the mower after driving it up on the ramps, she gets down carefully and turns the air compressor on, letting it build up so she can blow out the underside of the mower. 

She blows it out, shuts off the compressor and winds up the line, hanging it on it’s hook. She’s sliding the metal door shut when she hears a voice call out. 

“Hey Tobin!” a smiling Ali Krieger says walking towards her. 

“Hey Ali!” Tobin greets as she meets her and gives her a soft hug. “You calling tonight’s game?” 

Ali nods, “Excited seeing your girl in the starting line up.” 

“Well,” Tobin shrugs, “what’s a coach to do when your super sub keeps scoring and her fitness level is off the charts?” she says proudly. 

Ali smiles at the reply, noting Tobin doesn’t deny that Alex is her girl. Alex was rejuvenated coming back to Portland. Her passion for the game exploded, scoring and creating chances for others every time she was on the field. As the season progressed, Alex certainly showed how match fit she was and earned a starting spot. She moved like she was ten years younger and with her vast soccer knowledge, she was making mincemeat of other teams’ defenses. 

Tobin loved watching her play. It was beauty in motion and she could just see how the play would develop as Alex worked the field. Allie sending long balls in that got her behind the defense, short plays that rebounded in or rockets from outside the box. Even though the world knew she favored her left foot, there was virtually no stopping her. 

“So, hey,” Ali says as they walk slowly across the fresh cut field, “do you have a few minutes? I wanted to talk to you.” 

“Yeah,” Tobin agrees, “fields are finished and ready for tomorrow,” there’s a Special Olympics soccer tournament going on at the complex, “I’ve got nothing to do until the game tonight.” 

“You wanna come back to my place and have a drink or something?” she offers. 

“I could use a beer,” Ali smiles, “let’s go.” 

Tobin leads her to a golf cart and they head over to her place, talking about the NWSL, Tobin sharing her thoughts on different players. “You know, Tobs,” Ali says as they drive along, “You’d make a great commentator,” 

Tobin laughs, “Thanks but I’m happy doing what I’m doing,” she shakes her head. 

“So, did I hear right that you’ve put in a bid to host the Para-Olympics matches for next year?” Ali asks, looking intently at her. 

Tobin glances at her as she drives along, “Yep,” she says, “we have everything on their list they are looking for in a location,” she shrugs, “it’s just a matter of seeing if they want us.” 

“Well, I hope you get it,” Ali says, squeezing her forearm as the cart stops, “that would be amazing.” 

“Yeah,” Tobin agrees, “it would, we’ll see,” 

She leads her into the house, kicking her work boots off by the door, Ali smirking as Tobin places them on the rug and out of the way. “Was that Christen’s or Alex’s doing?” she teases. 

“Can I say both?” Tobin laughs, “It’s an ongoing process.” 

They settle at the kitchen table, Tobin fetching a couple of beers out the fridge and sliding one towards Ali. 

“So, what’s up?” Tobin asks, looking at her expectantly, wiping the sweaty hairs off her face. 

“Tobin, I came here to apologize to you,” Ali starts, 

“Al” Tobin begins. 

“No,” Ali holds up a hand, “I was wrong how I treated you,” she says firmly. “God, I was horrible to you.” She shakes her head. “You didn’t deserve it, and I’m sorry.” 

Tobin looks at her, “Al, I get it, I do,” she says gently, “and I really appreciate you coming here and saying it to me, but I’ve forgiven you long ago.” 

Ali has tears in her eyes, “How can you?” 

Tobin sighs, she’s been waiting for this day to come because she knew Ali would be insistent on apologizing to her face. “I was a mess back then,” she starts, “we all were. You were grieving just as much as I was, except I was on a host of drugs and not feeling much except the pain. You were angry, said a lot of awful things and then one thing led to another…” she trails off, giving her a gentle smile. 

“We were both lashing out in different ways.” She says simply, “I realized with the help of my therapist that we just kind of lost control through our grief and things happened.” 

“But Tobin, I practically raped you!” Ali exclaims, holding her hands to her face, she sets them down to look at her, “I hit you and then forced myself on you. You weren’t in any condition to say no, you were drunk.” 

Tobin nods, “I know, Al, I know, but, see,” she shifts in her chair, “yes, you took advantage of me. Yes, if I hadn’t been that drunk I would have said no. But I can’t totally explain this right, so bare with me, okay? Even though we’d been drinking, that night I felt if that was what you needed to help you feel a little bit better, I was all for it. I was in so much pain, it broke my heart to even think you were feeling anything close to what I was. I wasn’t blackout drunk you know, I had a tolerance back then. So, when you started kissing me, I let you, I let you use me, you hit me, you fucked me, you let me fuck you, I was willing to do whatever you wanted if it would make you feel better. I just remember that it was important to me to make you feel better, I guess, in any way you needed. That much I know.” 

Tobin moves to slide into the chair next to Ali, putting her arm around as Ali sobs, “I love you, Ali, and I forgive you. I have for a long time. If I learned anything, it’s that grief can make a person do some crazy things.” 

“I’m so sorry,” Ali sobs, turning in to hug Tobin. Tobin holds her, speaking in her ear. “I’m sorry you held this in for so long. We’re fine. We’re good.” 

Ali nods as she cries, relief flooding through her body. She’s felt so guilty about that night, how she took advantage of Tobin, how she wouldn’t speak to her for a long time after. 

Denying Tobin’s efforts to speak with her. It took her a long time and a lot of therapy to get the courage to speak to Tobin about this. 

They break apart and Tobin gives her a soft smile, “Better?” 

“Yeah,” Ali says hugging her once more. “You’re an amazing person, Tobin.” She kisses her cheek gently. “I’m so honored you’re my friend.” 

“I’m so proud of you, Al,” Tobin replies, rubbing her arm, “that took alot of courage and I know that from experience.” 

Ali nods, wiping her eyes, and laughing softly. “I’m gonna have to redo my mascara before the game.” 

Tobin laughs softly. “Go to the bathroom and fix yourself up,” she instructs. “Use the far side sink, it’s Alex’s, you can use her makeup.” 

Ali gets up and leaves her at the table. Tobin takes a deep breath and finishes her beer. 

When Ali comes out, she looks at Tobin, who’s jangling her keys in her hand. “What’s up?” 

“I’ve got a sneak peek surprise to show you, but you can’t tell anyone.” Tobin states. “You in?” she grins. 

Ali nods with a smile. “I’m in!” 

“Let’s go!” Tobin leads her out of the house and through the gate back to the golf cart. She zips around to the main stadium, driving on the sideline to the maintenance sheds. She gets out and unlocks one of the rolling doors, pushing it open and entering. She gestures for Ali to follow her. 

Tobin stands next to her work table, tapping her fingers on the wood. “So, there’s a good chance we’ll be hosting a friendly next November. Sinc has been working with the USSF and USA Soccer. It’s just about locked up. We’re installing camera dugouts and working with the town about traffic, but other than that, it looks like it’s gonna happen.”

“We’re also hosting the WCC Conference Playoffs and Championship matches next November, right before the friendly.” Tobin grins. 

“Tobin that’s awesome! I can’t believe it!” Ali squeals. 

“Yeah, well, Sinc is behind putting in the bids and all of that stuff, she’s really good with doing the presentations and all.” Tobin admits. 

“Anyway, I want to show you this.” She gestures at a cloth covering the table. “We were talking one night, me, Lex and Sinc about if we were having major events here, these stadiums need names, you know. So, we brainstormed a little and I shared some ideas that I’d been thinking about for awhile.” 

“When we have our reunion next May,” Tobin says, clearing her throat, “we’re going to have a small ceremony. I’ve got just about everyone’s approval I need.” 

She lifts the cloth up to show an architectural rendering of the third match field. Ali eyes’ catch it. 

“The Squirrel’s Nest?” she laughs, “You didn’t!” she reads the line underneath, The Kelley O’Hara Memorial Stadium. 

“Oh Tobin, that’s so sweet!” she says. “Kelley would have loved it.” She adds quietly. 

“Yeah,” Tobin says swallowing hard. 

“Here’s the main stadium.” Tobin lifts the next sheet up. 

“Peace Field, The Christen Press Memorial Stadium.” She looks at Tobin with tears in her eyes. “She always said soccer helped her find her peace.” 

Tobin nods. Her fingers linger on the next sheet, “Ali, I’ve wanted to do this since this stadium was built. The first time I stood in it, I could feel her presence there. I don’t know, something about it just makes this feel right. But if you don’t want it, I understand. I won’t do it.” She lifts the second stadium drawing and flattens it out. Ali leans over to read the sign.

“Oh my God! I love it!” she exclaims, hugging Tobin. The second stadium is to be named The Shark Tank, The Ashlyn Harris Memorial Stadium. 

“I want you to be here for the dedication,” Tobin says seriously, “I can’t do this without you.” 

“I will be.” Ali promises. “You don’t know how much this means to me.” She hugs Tobin fiercely. 

“I just miss them so much,” Tobin says quietly, the tears finally coming. 

“So do I,” Ali says, sniffling, “so much.” 

They stand back and Ali inspects each drawing again with Tobin pointing out little details. 

“See the logos on each of the signs?” She points to the lower corner, “We’ll have memorabilia in place that people can buy and the proceeds go to each of their foundations.” 

Tobin nods. “The designs for the first scarves is amazing.” 

“Yeah?” Ali asks as Tobin covers the papers back up. They move out from the shed and she closes the door. 

“Yeah, Erin made them,” Tobin nods. 

“McLeod?” Ali asks as they walk to the golf cart. Tobin nods. 

“I can’t wait to see them.” Ali says, grabbing a hold of Tobin hand and squeezing it. “Thank you.” She says. “Thank you for being so understanding today. This was hard but you made me feel so comfortable.” 

“You’re welcome,” Tobin replies. “I really wanted to talk to you back in May but that last night kind of derailed my plans.” She shakes her head. 

Ali squeezes her hand again. “I really wanted to talk to you, too. I chickened out.” 

They get in the golf cart and Tobin drives them back towards her house. “I’m so glad you came out today.” 

“So am I.” Ali replies. “I’ve missed you.”

Tobin stops the cart by Ali’s rental car. They get out and hug. “I’ve missed you, too.” Tobin says, holding her. “Maybe I’ll see you tonight, okay?” 

Ali nods. “If I get a chance, I’ll come by the box.” 

“Okay,” Tobin says and kisses her cheek. “Later,” 

“Later,” Ali smiles and gets in her car. 

Tobin watches her drive off and then heads in to shower and get dressed for Alex’s game tonight. 

As she’s in the shower, she thinks back to what had happened between her and Ali. 

 

February 12, 2021

 

She stands on Ali’s doorstep, just about to ring the bell. Actually, it was Ashlyn’s and Ali’s doorstep, the house they bought together after signing multi-year deals with the Pride.  
Tobin shakes her head, trying to ward off the buzz she has going. She’d taken a Valium after leaving Alex’s place, knowing this would be a difficult visit. She was feeling a little nauseous at the prospect of seeing Ali again, the last time was back in Portland. They didn’t talk much but Tobin could feel the anger radiating off her. 

She wasn’t sure what she did wrong, but she felt she owed it to Ashlyn to come and check on her. Ali was still playing, taking her grief and anger out on the pitch, being a beast in the backfield. God help those who tried to get past her. 

Tobin presses on the doorbell and waits nervously for it to open. Ali appears and her face darkens a little at the sight of Tobin on her doorstep. “Come in,” she says quietly. Tobin steps past her into the house. 

Nothing has changed, everything is just as Tobin recalled from the last time she was here. Tobin notes that it’s been almost two years since the crash and not a thing has changed in the house. She’s feels like Ashlyn’s clothes are probably still in her closet. She had spent the night with them before a match, Ashlyn joking she would poison Tobin’s food so she couldn’t play. They had a wonderful time, spent a couple of hours at the beach and then relaxed outside as Ashlyn grilled dinner and they all enjoyed each other’s company. 

But that was then and this is now. Ashlyn is gone. Dead. One of her oldest and closest friends, right up there with Kelley, HAO, Allie and Alex. 

Tobin swallows hard wondering what she should say. 

“You look like shit Tobin,” Ali says looking her over. 

“Yeah, well,” Tobin says, shifting her weight, “things have been rough.” 

Ali nods. “I know what you mean.” She says heading to the kitchen. “You want something to drink?” she asks as Tobin follows her. 

One beer leads to two and two leads to four and soon they’re laughing as they tell stories about some of Ashlyn’s crazy antics. They’re stories they’ve both told before and they know them by heart but their need to talk about Ashlyn and keep her memory alive is huge. 

Tobin’s feeling tipsy, actually kind of drunk as she follows Ali to the couch, flopping down next to her. 

They sit and talk about the season, how the Pride looks, the confusion of what’s happening with National Team, how they both hate how they’re marketing the loss of the players to gain sympathy and draw crowds.

When Ali starts speaking about Alex, how she doesn’t go out much, how her and Servando are on shaky ground, Tobin starts feeling weird. She knows something is happening between them but she feels she can’t say anything about it Ali. Not right now. Ali’s in too much pain without Ashlyn for Tobin to say anything about possibly being with someone. Anyone. Tobin herself still isn’t sure what’s going on between them, she just likes that they are working on their friendship again. 

It’s getting super late and Ali is getting emotional and Tobin thinks that she should get out of here. At least she should go to sleep in a guest room or something. But Ali isn’t having any of it. She starts getting angry of her loss. 

“It just isn’t fair!” Ali cries, Tobin with an arm around her. “Why was she one of the ones to die?” 

“We’ll never know, Al,” Tobin says softly, thinking the same question about Christen. 

“It’s not fair,” Ali whispers. 

“It’s late, we should go to sleep,” Tobin suggests, leaning forward to get up. She doesn’t know what to say to make Ali feel better. Her heart breaks for Ali feeling the same pain as she does. 

“Yeah, you’re right,” Ali says, defeated, following her movements and getting up. 

They’re in the upstairs hallway when Ali sinks to the floor, crying hysterically. Tobin doesn’t know what to do except to hold her. Ali is crying and yelling about how it shouldn’t have been Ashlyn dying. 

“It should have been you!” Ali screams, rising up and facing a stunned Tobin. “You should be dead,” she cries, “not her, she was the love of my life!” 

“I’m sorry,” Tobin whispers, feeling her buzz from the beer wearing off quickly. 

Ali begins sobbing and Tobin wraps her arms around her, “Sometimes I wish it were me,” Tobin admits quietly, “then I wouldn’t have to feel the pain.” 

“Why was it her?” Ali cries out loudly, angrily. 

Ali pulls back, clearly out of control and begins to punch at Tobin, striking her in the shoulders and head. Tobin takes it, at least she’s feeling something beside her own grief. She’ll do anything to make Ali feel better, she knows Ashlyn would want her to. Her loyalty to Ashlyn has kept her here, even when things began to get uncomfortable downstairs. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Ali is mumbling, leaning into her again, “I’m so sorry,” 

“It’s okay, I understand,” Tobin says gently, confused by the rollercoaster for emotions Ali is on. Her cheek flashing with pain. 

“Let’s ju” Tobin doesn’t finish her sentence because suddenly Ali’s lips are on hers and she’s kissing her forcefully. Ali pushes Tobin back against the wall, kissing her hard, her hands all over Tobin. In that moment, Tobin makes a snap decision, her overriding concern of making Ali feel better blasts out all of the arguments of why this is a terrible thing to let continue. 

Tobin kisses her back. Ali guides her to the spare bedroom, pushing her down on the bed, landing on top of her, Tobin biting back a yelp from the elbow to her ribs. Ali is shoving her hand down Tobin’s shorts, roughly rubbing her, making her wince with a mix of pain and pleasure. She moans out in pain as she feels Ali’s nails gliding over her, like a razor, causing her to flinch her hips, but wanting more at the same time. 

Tobin’s so conflicted, this isn’t right, at all, she knows this, but it feels good and it hurts, like something she deserves to feel. Ali is feeding on her neck, her other hand roughly massaging her breast, twisting her nipple painfully. She cries out as Ali enters her, sloppily shoving two fingers into her, shifting her hips to adjust to it. 

Through this Tobin grits her teeth, then begins to buck her hips, reacting to the touch, becoming wet and feeling the pleasure. Her orgasm hits her hard, crying out loudly as her hips buck and Ali circles her clit as the tidal wave of her climax swallows Tobin. 

They don’t speak as Tobin recovers. 

Tobin takes her time with Ali. She gently takes her shirt off, kissing her softly, trailing her hands reverently over her body. She slowly removes her shorts and panties in one motion, leaning back to gaze at her nakedness. She kisses her, tongues tangling, wanting her to feel loved in this moment. She wants her to forget her pain. Her sadness. To let go and live in this moment. They move together as one, bodies in motion, Ali moaning softly. 

Tobin makes her cum twice, once with her hand and the other by mouth. Ali’s moaning Ashlyn’s name as she comes both times.

When their breathing both returns to normal, Tobin is lying by her side, unsure of what to do. 

“Get out,” Ali says harshly. “Leave.” She’s staring at the ceiling.

Tobin doesn’t move, frozen in place. 

“I said get out.” Ali says turning to her, eyes blazing. “Go.” 

Tobin nods at her sadly and slowly gets up, her legs unsteady and makes her way of out the room. She uses the downstairs bathroom, sees the bruise on her cheek forming and the hickeys on her neck. She shakes her head and leaves the house. 

It’s about four in the morning and she knows she can’t drive, she’s still a bit a drunk. She opens the backseat to her car, slides in and snuggles up with a sweatshirt, setting an alarm on her phone for six so she can leave before Ali comes outside to pound on her window.

Ali doesn’t return Tobin’s calls or messages. She doesn’t make eye contact with her when they meet at the reunion in May. 

 

 

September 10, 2022

 

 

Tobin’s in the Player’s Box watching the match. The Thorns are up by two over Boston. It’s been a good game, Boston’s attack is strong, but Sonnet’s on fire, shutting down most rushes with Menges. Alex is having a great game, she’s scored both goals, one was a beauty of a breakaway and the other on a free kick off Allie’s foot. 

It doesn’t pain Tobin to sit and watch a match anymore. She doesn’t feel the need to be out there. She’s happy and content with herself. That wasn’t always true, but she still kicks it around with Alex and that’s enough for her. 

The whistle sounds and the Thorns have won, gathering to pay tribute to the Riveters and the crowd. Alex gets her roses and the crown, turning to find Tobin and blowing her a kiss and waving the flowers at her. 

This victory has put the Thorns on top of the leaderboard, dominating the league in the second half with brilliant play of Alex. Alex came in and smartly deferred to the team, letting them accept her as just another player. She was humble, shagging balls, carrying coolers, and patiently waiting for them to open up to her. 

It worked and soon Tobin’s place became a hang out during the team’s down time with Tobin, Allie, Sinc, Kling and Alex telling hilarious stories about their National Team adventures, their own struggles as players and basically adopting the rookies and some of the other younger players. 

As Alex gets to know her teammates she quietly helps them one by one, whether it’s a new vehicle, paying for airfare to get home for holidays or emergencies, or even surprise gift cards to the grocery store. Tobin loves how Alex loves being generous to the youngsters, only explaining that she wished she had someone looking over her shoulder as she was coming through the ranks. Every time she helps one of them, she just can't stop grinning. Doing these acts fulfills Alex in a way that leaves her content and satisfied and wanting to do more.

Tobin leaves the stadium as quickly as she can, getting stopped by staff and some fans along the way. They’re having some players from both teams back at her house and she wants to be sure everything is in place. She’s grateful Alex suggested having a small kitchen along with the bar put in the basement as well as a bathroom, it makes entertaining so much easier. The space is large, even with Alex’s storage area off to one side. 

They both selected certain jerseys of theirs to display, along with their Olympic Medals and NWSL Championship rings and other individual awards. Other sports memorabilia grace the walls, from basketball to hockey to baseball and soccer. It’s tasteful and Tobin likes it. 

She drives back as quick as she can, clomping down the stairs to the basement and sticking her head in the fridge. She’s checking the beers when she hears a voice behind her. 

“Dude, you got a Bud Light in there?” 

Thinking it’s Emily Menges, Tobin grabs two and turns to see the smiling face of Ashlyn Harris. Her eyebrows shoot up and her mouth opens, unable to produce words. 

Ashlyn laughs at her, “Dude! You look like seen a ghost!” 

Tobin coughs and then looks at her, “Well, you are, you ass,” she says, figuring to just go with the flow and hands her over the beer. 

“Damn straight, I’m a ghost extraordinaire.” Ash proclaims, twisting the cap off and holding her beer out. 

Tobin opens hers and they clink bottles. Each taking a drink. 

“You did good today,” Ash says as she settles herself on a barstool. Tobin decides to sit because her legs feel like Jello at the moment.

Tobin looks at her questioningly. 

“Talking to Ali?” Ash says, raising her eyebrows. 

“Oh,” Tobin nods. “Yeah. It’s been a long time coming. I’m so glad we got to talk.” 

Ash takes a long chug of beer, “Yeah,” she says, her eyes sad, “it’s been rough for her.” She looks up at Tobin. “You too,” 

“I never got to thank you and Kelley from pulling me from the ocean,” Tobin says, her eyes welling with tears. 

Ashlyn shrugs, “When we heard you were taking a trip alone, we knew you’d end up doing something stupid. We always promised that we’d catch each other when we fall.” 

Tobin takes a drink, “Thank you,” she says quietly, sincerely. 

Ash grins, “You’re very welcome.” 

“So, is Ali gonna be okay?” Tobin asks her timidly. She’s starting to feel weird about what happened between them a few years ago with Ash sitting here. 

Ashlyn beams at her, “Fucking finally!” she laughs, “Part of me is so touched she’s been so upset over losing me, you know, but the other part is just bursting that she’s finally going to find peace and happiness.” Her eyes mist over. “I’ll miss being able to come back and see you guys.”

Tobin looks at her. 

Ashlyn sets her beer down and raises both hands out wide, “All of my loose ends are now officially tied up. I’m ready to go to the bigs now.” 

“Dude,” Tobin starts but she can’t speak, overcome with emotion. Ashlyn slides over and hugs her tightly as she sobs, “Tobs, you’ve been one of the best friends I’ve ever had and I’m so happy you’re doing well with Alex, I can’t even tell you how much.” 

She pulls back and looks her in the eyes, “I’m so proud of you. And don’t feel guilty about what happened between you and Ali, you saved her life that night. She was gonna try to kill herself until you came along. It was fucked up, you sleeping with her, but you gave her something precious, like, she felt peace after you left but she was really fucked up about it.” Tobin nods as she cries, wiping her eyes. 

“I’m not mad about what you did. I know why you did it.” Ashlyn says, looking Tobin in the eyes. “Thank you for being there for me when I couldn’t be,” Ashlyn whispers, hugging her again. “I love you so much, dude.” 

“I love you, Ash, I miss you.” Tobin cries, her voice unsteady with her tears.

“Hey, I’m around, just check out all of our great memories on YouTube!” Ashlyn says laughing. She releases Tobin and gives her a kiss on her forehead as Tobin wipes her eyes. “I’m outta here, going to see Ali tonight and then I’m off!” 

She’s at the foot of the stairs when she turns to Tobin, smiling widely, “Thanks dude, for keeping my name alive with the stadium. I’ll be back for the dedication,” she says happily, “we all will be.”

Tobin sits alone breathing deeply, trying to calm herself. She stares at the empty beer bottle and then she takes it and puts it behind the bar, in a safe spot. She chugs the rest of her beer and then slowly goes up the stairs to clean herself up before the group arrives. 

 

She’s cutting up a few extra veggies in the kitchen when she hears the garage door rumble open, signifying Alex’s return. Alex comes bursting through the garage door, smiling like a kid at Christmas. 

“What a game!” she bursts as she drops her bag and hugs Tobin from the side and kisses her. 

“You were on fire, sweetie,” Tobin smiles at her, going back to cutting the carrots. 

Alex looks at her for a moment, seeing that she’s terribly pale, then she steps back and crosses her arms, “What’s wrong?” She asks, frowning. 

“Huh?” Tobin asks, looking up at her, she shakes her head, “nothing.” 

Alex just looks at her, silently evaluating Tobin’s posture, mood and how poorly she’s cutting the carrots. None of them are the same size. She moves a step closer and lays her hand on Tobin’s shoulder. 

“Are you okay?” she asks her quietly, her voice full of concern. 

Tobin looks up into Alex’s amazing blue eyes, seeing the affection and concern in them. “I’m good,” she says, giving her a small smile as they hear car horns beeping, signifying the arrival of the players, “I just had a weird moment,”

Alex moves her hand to her arm, softly rubbing it, “Are you sure?” she asks, hesitantly. 

“Yeah,” Tobin leans over and kisses her softly, “I’ll tell you later,” Alex nods, knowing that Tobin will.

“Can I do anything to help?” she asks, eying the uneven carrots. She doesn’t know why that irritates her, but she thinks they should be as uniform in size as possible. 

“Well,” Tobin grins at her, “you can stop judging the carrots and then maybe get the veggie dip out of the fridge?” 

Alex huffs and then laughs at being busted, moving to the fridge and retrieving the dip. She sets it down next to Tobin, who turns and puckers her lips at her, wanting a kiss. Alex kisses her softly, as they hear the front door open with Sonnet bellowing at them to get a room. 

Laughing, Tobin stands up and hugs her, then shoves the bowl of carrots and dip in Emily’s hands and instructs her to head downstairs. More people come through the door and they all head downstairs, some already claiming first dibs on Mario Kart. 

 

It’s late and Tobin is already sleeping in bed when Alex comes in. She made her last check on the young drunken Thorns players spread out on their couches and in the spare rooms. She had placed a case of water and the bottle of Tylenol out on the kitchen counter and on the bar downstairs for when they awoke. The Boston players had departed long ago, needing to get back to their hotel for the night. 

Alex quietly shuts the door, smiling towards the sleeping lump under the covers. Tobin was falling asleep downstairs, denying she was tired but sinking further into Alex’s side as they sat on the couch. Alex noticed she only had one beer all evening, drinking water instead. She wonders went happened before she got home, shaking her head as she enters to the bathroom to begin her nightly ritual. She feels it had to be something emotional to make her so tired. Since the crash, Tobin seems to lose her energy quicker after emotional events. Her mood was a little subdued but she didn’t seem upset, like sad or angry. 

She throws on an old t-shirt and a pair of Tobin’s boxers, sliding under the covers. She smiles as she feels Tobin move towards her in her sleep, hand snaking across the bed. Alex settles in next to her, wrapping an arm over her waist, hearing Tobin’s soft sigh. It didn’t take her longer than a week after moving in before she found herself sleeping in Tobin’s bed. They didn’t speak of it, it just happened and they both enjoyed the comfort of snuggling with each other. 

They haven’t had sex, or even really come close. They’ve had a few heated make out sessions before mutually, silently agreeing to take things slow. For Alex, right now, this is what she needs. The physical closeness is just fine for her, feeling Tobin’s strong arms around her, head buried in her neck. She knows sex is a whole different ball of wax for Tobin. It’s a piece she has to heal with Christen’s memory before she can move on Alex feels and she respects that. 

For now, she thinks as she shifts her hips to slide a leg over Tobin’s, this is perfect. She takes a deep, relaxing breath and closes her eyes. 

 

 

Alex awakes, hearing movement in the house from their overnight guests. She rolls on her back, turning her head to look at Tobin. She’s still sleeping hard, dead to the world, facing Alex, hands under her pillow, curled towards her. Alex slowly raises a hand to her mouth as she notices how at peace Tobin is. Gone is the furrowed crease from her forehead, her face relaxed, not having the near scowl on it as it usually did. 

Alex wants to pounce on her, shaking her awake to tell her what’s changed, but she keeps herself still. She can’t help the broad smile her mouth makes as she looks at Tobin. The calmness of her face as she sleeps brings a tear to Alex’s eye. 

Alex cautiously leaves the bed, wanting Tobin to sleep as long as she can, her gut telling her that Tobin needs the rest. She’s not sure what went on yesterday, but she’s sure of one thing: something’s different. 

She uses the bathroom, brushes her teeth and slips on some flip flops and slips out the door, closing it quietly shut behind her. She wants to get breakfast started for their guests and let Tobin sleep in for however long she will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for the kudos and comments, it's very motivating and much appreciated. How are we feeling about what happened between Ali and Tobin and how Ash responded? What do you think of the stadium names? 
> 
> This little tale is coming to a close shortly, maybe two more chapters to go. 
> 
> Toying with an idea to revisit Tobin and Kate from You Saved Me, would anyone be interested in checking that out?


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobin and Alex have a playful moment that leads to more. The Tobin gets a shock that rocks her to her very core.

September 16, 2022 

 

Alex observes Tobin from the small back porch having just come home from their light practice. Tomorrow’s game is the last one of the regular season, the Thorns having locked up the Shield and now playing for playoff position. She had walked through the house looking for Tobin, not sure where she was, even going to the basement to see if she could find her. When she went to get a water from the kitchen, she spied her in the backyard. 

It’s been unusually warm for September, today’s temperature in the low ninety’s with some humidity. Mark cut practice short, not wanting his players to be too tired for game day. Tobin’s back is to her, Alex can see the sweat coloring her t-shirt darker on her back and neck as she works on the garden. It looks like she’s ripped out the old vegetation and is tilling the soil, a bag of some sort of nutrients or something on the ground near her. Preparing it for winter. 

Alex feels herself getting a little worked up watching as Tobin’s muscle flex as she shovels the dirt, overturning it and breaking up the clumps. God, those calves, those shoulders, Alex thinks, biting her lip. Alex spies the hose lying on the ground and a smile crosses her face. 

She silently grabs the hose, taking aim and releasing a blast of water on an unsuspecting Tobin. 

“Aaaahhh!” Tobin bellows, arching her back as the water hits, releasing the shovel and turning to face a giggling Alex who hasn’t relented hosing her down. A devilish grins spreads across Tobin’s face as she darts towards Alex, her hands in front of her trying to block the stream of water as Alex still sprays her until she gets too close and Alex shrieks as she drops the hose and runs for her life. Tobin catches her quickly, wrapping her up in a hug, her drenched shirt soaking Alex as well. 

“What was that for?” Tobin asks, shaking her wet hair onto Alex, her grip tight as Alex squirms. 

“You looked hot,” Alex says, her giggles dying out as she sees Tobin looking at her with eyes blazing with lust. 

“I did, huh?” Tobin says, her voice low, sexy. 

“Uh huh,” Alex replies melting as she looks at her. Tobin leans in and kisses her with a passion that makes Alex’s legs go unsteady. All week Tobin’s been more touchy feely, not escalating things but certainly being the one to initiate them. Their tongues twist, seeking each other, each tasting the uniqueness of each other. Tobin’s hands drift down and grab Alex’s ass, firmly holding it and then massaging gently. Alex brings a hand to Tobin’s chest, palming her breast, squeezing softly, eliciting a moan from Tobin. 

They feel each other up in the yard, kissing until they must break for air, each panting slightly. Tobin looks at Alex, a mix of adoration, peacefulness and lust. She smiles slightly, moving her hands to rub Alex’s back. 

Alex fingers wet hair from Tobin’s face, slicking it back where it had fallen from her ponytail. 

“I love you, Lex.” Tobin states simply, a smile laying on her lips, “I love you so much.” 

Alex smiles at her, laying a hand along her jaw, “I love you Tobin,” she says, “I have for a very long time,” she caresses her face softly. 

“Thank you for being so patient with me,” Tobin says, not breaking her eye contact with Alex, “you’ve been such a strength to me in ways I can’t express.”

Alex smiles as she shakes her head slowly, “You helped me find myself again and I’ll be forever grateful. It was you, you that asked me all the hard questions, months, even years ago. I’m happy and content and it’s because of you. Coming here was the best thing I’ve ever done and it’s all because of you.” 

Alex leans in and kisses her until Tobin pulls away, stepping back. She takes her shirt off, the wet tee making a plopping noise as it hits the grass. “I want you, Lex,” she says, taking her in her arms again. 

Alex runs her hand along her shoulder, her head resting on her chest. She can feel Tobin shaking slightly so she slowly leaves her arms and takes her hand in hers and leads her into the house. They stop at the back door, Tobin clumsy as she tries to hurry out of her work boots and dirty socks. She tosses them on the floor and Alex giggles. 

“Uh, laundry basket?” she questions, crossing her arms, a smirk on her face. 

“What?” Tobin asks, clearly not thinking about the proper place her dirty clothes belong. 

Alex points to the socks, and Tobin gathers them up, a grin on her face as she shakes her head. “Yes, dear,” she says sarcastically. Alex grips the bottom of Tobin’s sports bra with her index finger, leading her to the bedroom. 

“I want you, babe, but you need a shower.” Alex smirks again. She’s loving seeing Tobin getting frustrated with her. Tobin just smirks back at her and raises her arms to remove her bra, tossing it easily into the laundry basket. Then she works the button and zipper on her jean shorts, shimmying out of them, kicking them into the basket. She’s got on black boy short underwear and Alex can’t resist as she hooks the elastic in her fingers, kneeling as she slowly slides them off her. 

She stands in front of her, both of them staring at each other. 

“I think I could use a shower too,” Alex says quietly, reaching to take her shirt off. She feels Tobin’s hands on her, working her bra off and then sliding her shorts and underwear off in one shot. 

Tobin takes a step back and then another one, slowly heading to the bathroom. Alex follows her until Tobin stops, folding her arms across her chest and looking pointedly at her. Alex raises her eyebrows in question. 

“Laundry basket?” Tobin smirks, turning to enter the bathroom laughing. 

Alex mutters a curse under her breath and shoves the clothes in the basket and trots in to the bathroom. 

 

Their bodies are intertwined, hands slowly exploring each other, kissing softly. Alex takes her time washing every inch of Tobin, kissing her, licking her, running her hands on her until she can’t take it anymore. 

They dry off together, Tobin taking care in rubbing the towel over Alex’s breasts and ass, as Alex begins sucking on her neck. Alex walks Tobin into the counter, both of her hands on her chest, massaging her breasts, kissing her passionately. She drops her hands to Tobin’s ass and then down to her legs, lifting her. Tobin wraps her legs around Alex’s midsection, not breaking the kiss, as Alex continues to feast on her neck and collarbone carrying her to the bed.

Alex kneels onto the bed, crawling with Tobin to the center of the bed, bending over, releasing her softly onto the mattress. She lays fully on her, a hand still on her breast, rhythmically massaging it, as she feels Tobin’s hands on her back, fingers trailing lightly over it. They begin to grind into each other, Alex seeing and feeling no hesitation in Tobin’s movements. She wants to be sensitive and considerate if this becomes too much for her, but she’s getting so worked up, she wants her so bad. 

Tobin surprises her by flipping her and switching positions so she’s on top of Alex, continuing their movements, circling centers against each other, providing just a tease to their clits. Alex reaches a hand out, her finger slowly tracing around Tobin’s nipple, watching, fascinated as Tobin’s skin breaks out in goosebumps, her nipple hardening under her touch. She raises her head and sucks on it, causing Tobin to arch her back as she moans. 

Tobin bends forward slowly, shifting so one of her legs is in between Alex’s spread out ones. Her fingers find Alex’s breast, cupping it and then softly squeezing it. She thrusts slowly against her, her leg providing much needed relief against Alex’s dripping core. Alex moans at the sensation, her hands on Tobin’s back. She opens her eyes to see Tobin looking at her. 

“I love you,” Tobin says, her eyes shining, “I love you and only you,” she says, smiling softly as she kisses her. Without saying it, Alex knows Tobin is saying to her that she’s here with her, in the present, not loving Christen in the past. 

“I love you, babe,” Alex says, arching her back and hips to accept another thrust, “I love you so much.” 

She feels Tobin’s hand trailing along her belly, feeling her skin react to the touch. Tobin beings to slowly massage her thigh as she continues to flick her hips into Alex’s. Alex brings her hand around Tobin’s neck and pulls her in to kiss her. 

She moans into Tobin’s mouth as she feels her fingers begin to trace around her clit, she can feel her wetness seeping down her leg. Her hips slowly move as Tobin slowly slides a finger into her, pausing to let Alex revel in the sensation before she begins to gently move it. 

“Oh, Lex, you feel so good,” Tobin moans as she continues to thrust her finger inside her, beginning to quicken the pace, “you feel like velvet,” she dips her head down and slides her tongue into Alex’s willing mouth. She begins to circle her finger around Alex’s opening with slow, ever widening movements, causing Alex to moan into her mouth. 

If there’s one thing Tobin’s remembered about Alex is that she cums hard when she uses her hand, so she slips another finger into her, quickening the pace again making Alex involuntarily sway her hips to meet her. 

“Tobin,” Alex moans reverently, moving her head to bite her neck and then suck over it, hearing and feeling Tobin’s harsh breathing. Their mouths meet again, Alex suddenly crying out when Tobin begins to thrust her leg with her hand in front of it, driving deeper within her. They move as one, hips in motion, hands on each other, mouths tasting each other, striving for the closeness that comes with this intimacy. This isn’t just sex, this isn’t just finally getting laid, this is it. This is commitment. This is Tobin telling Alex, without words, that she loves her. Only her. Not a memory of someone else. Not just reliving their past when they were together. In the here and now, this is them. Together. 

Alex begins to moan with each thrust and she looks to see Tobin with her eyes close, so at peace, biting her lip with her upper teeth as she as throws her back getting so turned on by Alex. She opens her mouth to let out a hot breath, Alex feeling her move her hand and swipe across her clit making her cry out in pleasure. 

“Yes, yes,” Alex chants, hands moving to Tobin’s hips, driving her harder into her, making Tobin moan from the friction in between her legs driving her crazy.  
Tobin begins to curl her fingers, hitting that spot, that sweet that sends Alex off her back, arching, thrusting her chest out so Tobin can take a breast in her mouth and begin sucking on it. “Oh,” Alex cries, feeling overwhelmed from the sensations, her legs tingling, that pull starting with each snap of her hips, that buildup of heat searing through her body. 

Tobin furiously curls her fingers into her, Alex feeling stretched inside, going numb and feeling it spread across her pelvis as if it’s a wave that’s slowing breaking on the sand. It hits her and she cries out, almost yelling in ecstasy as it washes over her, pushing Tobin up, their bodies pressed together, Alex only tethered to the bed by her heels and shoulders. It feels like time has stopped until her back hits the mattress, Tobin slowing her movements as Alex’s hips buck, the aftershocks overtaking her. With final kisses along her neck, a heavy breathing Tobin slides her fingers from within Alex, gently moving to the side, half lying on her rapidly moving chest as she pants. 

They don’t speak as they both regain their breaths, Alex lazily running her hand through Tobin’s wet hair as Tobin glides her still wet fingers across her stomach, tracing patterns. Alex turns her head to face Tobin, eying her. Her eyes are closed, a smile spread across her face, the picture of satisfaction. The crease no longer evident on her forehead. 

 

Alex began crying the moment Tobin told her that Ashlyn had visited her after her talk with Ali last week. Alex was conflicted about what happened between Tobin and Ali but she understood Tobin’s motivations. They weren’t together when it happened, they were just rediscovering their friendship at the time. 

She knew how strung out Tobin was back then, she knew she was making questionable decisions, the drugs and booze clouding her judgement. She isn’t upset with her at all. Alex accepts that period of Tobin’s life and had let it rest. She understands a little of how Ali reacted but couldn’t bring herself to judge for she never was in her position losing her spouse. 

She wasn’t sure what Tobin was happier about: that everything was fine with Ali again or seeing Ashlyn one last time and being able to thank her for saving her life in the ocean. How her eyes glistened when she told Alex about Ashlyn saying her lose ends were tied up, crying with joy for their friend who was finally at peace. 

This whole past week Tobin carried herself with such happiness. Not just, like, in a good mood happiness, but bone deep exuberance and optimism. In their quiet moments, lying in bed, speaking softly Tobin seemed so relaxed and having such peace of mind. It made her wonder if Christen had visited her as well, but she would never ask. Alex had decided a while back that was something for Tobin to bring up and share. 

 

Tobin’s eyes open slowly, leaning forward to kiss her sweetly. “I love you,” she whispers, bringing her hand to Alex’s jaw, “I love you so much.” 

Alex places her hand over Tobin’s, “I love you,” she says kissing her, “I always will.” She smiles at her, taking a deep breath and exhaling, “Let me show you how much?” 

They’re both trembling as Alex’s grips Tobin’s hand and presses her onto her back, sliding over on top of her and slotting a leg in between hers. Alex feels the wetness of Tobin on her leg as she begins to thrust against her. She knows she’s more than halfway gone, so she doesn’t want to tease her too much. She kisses her hard, pressing her hand into the mattress, interlocking their fingers. They break for air, already both beginning to breath hard, Alex dipping her head to Tobin’s neck, running her tongue along her scars, sucking on the tender flesh. Tobin moans as her hips begin to move in time with Alex’s leg, creating that delicious friction she so craves. 

“Mmmmm,” Tobin moans, bringing her free hand to Alex’s breast, massaging it as Alex works her way down to Tobin’s chest. Alex slides lower, nipping at the contours of Tobin’s abs, marveling how she has kept in such excellent shape without being a pro athlete any longer. Her work around the stadium is physical and Tobin runs almost every day. They eat smart and Tobin rarely drinks. She gets the munchies when she’s high but just avoids eating crap by not having any in the house. 

Soon Alex is in between Tobin’s spread legs, massaging her thighs, spreading her wider and looking to see Tobin with her head back, eyes closed, breathing through her open mouth. She swipes her tongue across Tobin’s core, making Tobin moan and arch her back. Then she begins to worship it, licking and sucking, knowing how it drives Tobin over the edge. She fucks her with her tongue, entering her and wiggling her tongue, making Tobin’s hips move on their own accord, Tobin gripping the sheets with white knuckles, panting out her name. 

“Lex,” Tobin moans, “right there, don’t stop,” she begs, thrusting herself into Alex’s tongue, hips grinding sensuously, Alex watching those abs move so gracefully. Alex brings her mouth over Tobin’s clit, sucking, scraping her teeth against it, licking around it. 

Tobin’s writhing, moaning loudly, panting heavily. “Lex, I’m close, keep going,” she begs again. 

Alex surprises her and inserts a finger into her making Tobin gasp and flinch and then slowly, ever so slowly Alex begins moving inside her, mouth still on her, swirling her tongue around her clit, riding the rhythm Tobin sets. 

“Ooohhh,” Tobin moans, head thrown back, reaching up to grab the headboard, her heels digging into the mattress. When Alex slides the second finger into her she increases her pace, rapidly moving in and out of her, causing Tobin to cry out with every thrust. Her legs begin shaking, her panting getting louder becoming an elongated moan with every exhale. 

When Alex takes the tip of her tongue and swirls it around her clit, Tobin explodes, hips jerking, toes curling, crying out in rush of air. Alex feels the warmth of her juices flowing from her, lapping at them around the fingers still inside her. She slows her movements, then stops, hearing Tobin wheezing, seeing her chest rise and fall rapidly. 

Grinning, Alex wipes the wetness from her face with the back of her hand, wiping her fingers on the sheets, knowing she’ll change it out later. She crawls next to Tobin, snuggling in on her side, leaning up on an elbow, hand against her head, watching Tobin come down. She stares at her, watching as Tobin breathes through her mouth, steadily controlling her breaths, licking her lips once, then twice. Eyes closed, a smile forming on her face, Tobin turns to face Alex, opening her eyes. Those dark brown eyes with shades of caramel looking at her affectionately. 

Tobin closes her eyes, shaking her head slowly with a big grin on her face. “That was amazing,” she says, opening her eyes again, Alex swearing she sees an actual twinkle in them. Tobin cranes her neck to kiss her lips softly. “You’re amazing, babe,” she smiles, their foreheads touching. 

“So are you,” Alex says and kisses her deeply. 

 

October 1, 2022

 

Tobin flicks on the Tv, finding the local news, it was near ten o’clock and Tobin was curious if there would be a frost warning so she wanted to check the weather. It was rainy and crappy out, the temperature dropping, getting to be typical Portland weather. Only two weeks ago she was sweating in the sun, now she was bundling up to check the fields, ready to shut them down for the season. 

Each of the main stadiums had turf warmers keeping the fields from freezing but it was tricky to regulate unless the temperature stayed within range. Two years ago she almost lost the entire Squirrel’s Nest, she remembers, although she attributes much of that to her being strung out at the time. Luckily, Sinc came through and made sure all was fine and the field didn’t burn up. She’d left the warmers on, not realizing the climbing temperature and almost fried the roots on the whole field. 

She’s much more on the ball now. 

So, she sits, waiting for the one weather guy she likes, when the top story airs, the reporter with an air of excitement. 

“A plane made a hard landing at PDX tonight, skidding off the runway into a ditch causing injuries, details after this break.” 

Tobin stares at the screen. She starts to shake. Alex was due to land very soon, the Thorns had the early playoff game in Chicago and were heading back tonight. What was her flight number, Tobin wonders. 

“Think,” Tobin says out loud, “what is the fucking flight number?” 

She grabs her phone and texts Alex, asking if she’s okay. Then she switches screens to her email and finds the one Alex sent her with their itinerary. 

Flight 1892. Okay, she thinks. Okay. They’re fine. They’re probably not on the ground yet and Alex wouldn’t text me until she gets on the bus. 

She texts Allie. Then Kling. 

“We’ve got Melissa Anderson out at the airport to report on the plane that skidded off the runway, Melissa?” the anchor cuts away to a bundled woman standing outside the terminals, emergency lights flashing in the background. 

“Thanks Rob, were being told that Flight 1892 coming from Chicago made a hard landing and the slickness of the runway caused it to veer off into a stop gap ditch. As of right now, there are injuries, but we’re don’t know the amount or severity. The Portland Fire Department and PDX Safety Crew will be issuing a statement momentarily. Back to you, Rob.” 

Flight 1892. Fuck, Tobin thinks. Alex. 

Her hands begin to shake. What do I do, she wonders. She can feel the panic rising along with the taste of bile in the back of her throat. She feels nauseous. 

She texts Alex again. 

Lex: baby I love you please be okay

She stands up on wobbly legs, the rising amount of bile making her feel sick as she heads to the bathroom. She kneels and pukes up her dinner. Keep it together, keep it together, she chants to herself as she brushes her teeth and uses her mouthwash quickly. 

Her phone is dark, no new messages. 

She paces, keeping an ear on the TV as she walks back and forth, her arms crossed, holding herself. 

She texts Emily. 

She bites her lip enough to break the skin, tasting her blood, as she resists the urge to go to the basement and pull out the whiskey. I’ve got to be strong, I’ve got to be strong for Alex, she repeats to herself. 

She stares at the basement steps, knowing that bottle is down there. She forces herself to walk away and paces again. She finds herself rooted at the door again, hands against the doorframe, knuckles white. She almost takes a step onto to the stairs. She turns to walk pace another lap. 

Forty-five minutes go by. She stands in her bathroom, looking into the open medicine cabinet. Staring at the bottle of Valium. Be strong, be strong, she chants to herself. She closes the mirrored door, staring at herself. I could just take one, it would be alright, she reasons with herself. She shakes her head, pounding a fist on the counter, then looking up at seeing her reflection. She punches the mirror. She cries as she leans against the counter, letting out the emotions, the fear, the terror, the desperation, eyes closed, head down, fearing that all is lost. First Christen, now Alex. 

She feels like she might vomit again, leaning forward into the sink, but only dry heaves comes. Panting, she looks up and sees the cracked mirror, a few pieces fallen onto the counter. She sees red on the counter and realizes she is bleeding from her right hand. She can’t feel it, but it’s bleeding pretty heavy. She grabs a hand towel and wraps it around her knuckles, twisting the towel to hold it in place. 

Her phone chirps, she pulls it from her pocket. Sinc. 

“Sinc!” she exclaims, tears threatening. 

“Tobin, where are you?” Christine asks. 

“Home, in my living room, I was watching the news…” Tobin trails off. 

“I’ll be there in five.” She states and the call goes dead. 

Tobin rushes into her arms when she arrives, before she can get her wet jacket off. Sinc holds her, murmuring words of comfort, telling her the radio hasn’t announced any fatalities. Tobin releases her and sits on the couch, staring at the screen, watching the coverage. Looking for any blur of movement that could be Alex. 

Sinc is next to her, texting away to the Thorns staff, trying to get any updates. 

They wait in silence. Sinc taps Tobin’s forearm, “You okay?” she motions to her hand. 

“I, uh, I broke the bathroom mirror,” Tobin mumbles, embarrassed. 

“Can I look at it?” Sinc asks, shifting to face her. Tobin holds out her shaky hand, watching as Sinc slowly unwraps the towel. She shifts her gaze to the television, hoping for some news. 

She hears Sinc inhale air through her clenched teeth, cringing as she looked at her hand. 

“Dude,” she says, “you need some stitches, this is bad and it hasn’t stopped bleeding.” 

“I need to know what happened.” Tobin says firmly as Christine wraps it again. 

When the news cast turns to other coverage, Tobin grabs the remote, trying to find another station at the airport. She lands on one and turns up the volume. 

“-fourteen injured, two seriously, one in critical condition. Back to you Jack,” the reporters says. 

“Fuck,” Sinc exclaims softly. Tobin begins to cry softly, leaning forward with her elbows on her knees, hands in her face. Sinc is rubbing her back when her phone goes off. 

“Tobin,” she says quietly, “Tobin?” 

Tobin looks up at her. 

Sinc looks at her carefully. “We have to go to the hospital, Alex was taken there.” She says slowly, calmly. 

“Is she-“ Tobin starts. 

“I don’t know her condition, but Mary from the Thorns said they took her.” Sinc stands up, shutting the TV off. “Let’s get your stuff and go, okay?” 

“Yeah,” Tobin says, getting to her feet, “we should go,” she’s heading for the door when Sinc grabs her arm gently. 

“You need some shoes, I’ll get your jacket,” Sinc says, speaking softly. 

“Right, shoes.” Tobin nods, finding her boots and slipping them on without socks. 

“Wallet? Keys? Phone?” Sinc asks. 

Tobin pats her pockets, “Yeah,” 

 

The drive is silent until Tobin’s phone goes off. 

Sonnet: they took alex to the hospital. I don’t know how she is. Trying to find out. 

Tobin: are you okay? 

Sonnet: yeah.

Harry: Harry! I’m okay. banged up Alex hit her head and was bleeding they took her to the hospital. She was talking and walked into the ambulance. She’s okay. 

“Her head is bleeding,” Tobin cries, shuddering. 

Sinc grabs her phone at a red light. 

“Allie says she was walking and talking, Tobin,” Sinc says comfortingly, “She’ll be alright, probably just stitches.” 

“Yeah, stitches,” Tobin breathes, fighting to keep control, “be alright.” She starting to breathe heavier, feeling that pressure build in her chest. 

Flashes of Christen after the crash run through her mind, making Tobin flinch in her seat and bring the heels of her hands to her eyes, trying to block it out. She’s crying now, unable to fight it any longer. 

Sinc is concentrating on the road but slides her hand to Tobin’s leg and squeezes it. 

Tobin’s phone goes off. 

Lex: I’m okay babe, I’m okay.

Tobin’s hands shake as she tries to text her back. 

Tobin: baby, are you sure? Please don’t lie to me, are you okay? 

Lex: 10 stitches in the side of my head. Getting a CAT scan soon just to be sure. No concussion. I have a little headache but I’m fine. I promise babe. 

Lex: Are you with someone or alone?

Tobin: with Sinc. On our way to the hospital 

Lex: Good. ER room 5. I love you. 

Tobin: baby I love you too, please be okay. I’ll be there soon

Lex: I’m okay, I promise. Just stitches. 

At another stoplight, Sinc grabs her phone again. 

“See?” she says, “just stitches.” 

“What if they find something?” Tobin’s voice cracks, “What if she has a cracked skull? Or bleeding in her head?” she’s nearing hysteria. Sinc rubs her arm, trying to navigate safely in the shitty weather. 

 

The finally make it, having to show identification to the cops outside directing traffic. Slowly they make their way into the parking lot, Sinc pulling in to a designated area for the people coming to check on their loved ones involved in the incident. Tobin sobbing into her hands. 

“Alright, we’re here,” Sinc announces, rubbing Tobin’s shoulder, “let’s head on and go find Alex, okay?” her voice is soft and smooth, calming Tobin down as she struggles to stop crying. 

She’s nodding at her as she slowly unbuckles her seatbelt, dragging her legs out of the car and then hoisting herself up into the standing position. She’s unsteady, feeling lightheaded, so she waits for a moment until it passes and then she releases her grip on the door, shutting in gently. 

She’s wiping her eyes as they walk together, Sinc shoving her hands in her pockets, hunched down to ward off the heavy rain. Tobin is walking upright, jacket open, getting drenched as she blindly follows Christine. 

They walk through the sliding doors and look around. Mark Parsons is stationed in front by the check in desk, striding towards them, his face concerned. 

“Are you okay?” he asks Tobin who just begins to cry again as he hugs her. She’s shaking in his arms, feeling her knees go weak but fighting to regain her composure. 

She steps back, nodding, unable to speak at the moment. She wipes her eyes and runs a hand through her wet head, “Yeah, are you?” her voice rough. 

“Everyone is fine,” Mark states firmly, Sinc putting a hand on Tobin’s back, “Alex, Kling and Savannah needed some stitches, some other passengers had a broken bone, like a wrist or something and one gentlemen had chest pains.” 

Tobin gulps and nods, taking it in. Her hands are shaking, in fact, her whole body is trembling slightly. 

“Alex is in room 5, they just brought her back from having a CAT scan.” Mark states, knowing Tobin is struggling to keep her composure. “Why don’t you go and see her,” he says gently, nodding to Sinc who lays her hand on Tobin’s back guiding her through the ER. 

Tobin walks slowly on shaky legs, feeling a sense of dread and a bit lightheaded as she draws the curtain back. Alex is on the bed, a large bandage wrapped around her head. A nurse was removing the IV from her arm. 

“Hi!” Alex exclaims, seeing Tobin. 

“Heeeeyyyy,” Tobin says, her voice low and fading away as her knees give, buckling under her weight, Tobin passes out as her head smacks the corner of the cabinet and Sinc reaches to attempt to catch her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all! I suck hard at chapter summaries, so sorry for that. Also, my apologies for the cliffhanger. I'll update soon, Promise.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobin deals with her fainting aftermath, feeling horrible about it. Alex has an interesting night with a sleep talking Tobin. Alex realizes something is going on with Tobin because of the plane incident but just can't put her finger on what it is.

October 2, 2022

Tobin flinches as she awakes, blinking her eyes rapidly, confused as to what happened. 

“Easy, easy,” Alex croons, Tobin looks at her with wide eyes, scared. 

“You fainted,” Alex explains, softly stroking Tobin’s hair. Tobin lets out a shaky breath, turning to see a female doctor standing on the other side of the bed. 

“How are you feeling?” she asks quietly, looking at her kindly. 

“Uh,” Tobin mumbles, clearing her throat, “okay?” She raises her hand to her head, her right temple hurting her. She feels the fabric of a bandage. 

“You have eight stitches in your head.” The doctor states. “Do you faint often?” 

“No, I was just… upset…” Tobin trails, looking back up at Alex. “Are you really okay?” she asks her, feeling Alex squeeze her left hand. 

“I’m fine,” Alex smiles at her, “I don’t even have a headache anymore.” She says, “Are you okay?” 

Tobin nods, emotions rising, “Yeah, I’m good.” She wants to be out of this bed, she wants to be taking care of Alex. She attempts to move and get up, but she’s a little dizzy. 

“Easy, stay still,” Alex advises. “Relax.” 

“Is everyone else okay?” Tobin asks Alex earnestly, “Are they here?” 

“Kling and Savannah are fine, they hit their heads as well,” Alex explains, “they’ve already been released.” 

“Okay,” Tobin replies, relief evident. 

“Your CAT scan came back negative,” the doctor states as a nurse enters, “you’ll probably have a headache for a while, and you have a small fracture in each your right middle and ring fingers. I can give you some painkillers.” Tobin looks at her well wrapped hand. 

Tobin shakes her head, “No, that’s okay, I don’t need painkillers.” 

“Are you sure, it’s going to hurt for a while.” The doctor says, looking at her intently. 

“No,” Tobin shakes her head again, “I’ve had a problem with them in the past. I really don’t want them in the house.” 

Understanding washes over the doctor and she nods. “Okay, well at least take Tylenol every four to six hours as needed.” She says, typing on her laptop. “I’ll sign the discharge papers and you’ll be free to go. The nurse will get you taken care of.” 

“Thanks,” Tobin says, trying to sit up further in the bed. The doctor nods and leaves the room with a swish of the curtain. She feels like shit, her head hurts, her hand hurts, she feels nauseous. She doesn’t want to let on to Alex just how awful she feels though, she needs to be here for her. She hates that she passed out, she hates that Alex is hovering over her, worried for her, probably projecting scenarios to herself about how scared Tobin was. 

“I didn’t mean to pass out,” Tobin says quietly, picking at the gauze on her hand, “I’m sorry.” 

Alex kisses her hand softly, “Nonsense,” she says, “all I kept thinking about was how upset you’d be about this.”

Tobin’s quiet. She looks up at Alex, “Where are you cut?” 

“Here,” Alex says, pointing her finger just above her right eyebrow, “it’s low enough that I should be able to play this week for the final. I hit it on the corner of the tray table. I’m seriously fine, I might be a little sore tomorrow but I’m fine.” She assures Tobin. 

Tobin looks unconvinced but Alex lets it go for now. She’s perceptive enough to understand Tobin is probably just as upset about fainting as she is about Alex getting hurt. 

The nurse comes back in with release paperwork and reviews them quickly and escorting them to a wheelchair for Tobin who flat out refuses until Alex lays her hand on her shoulder and tells her to just do it. Tobin huffs as she sits in the chair and they roll out to the near deserted lobby. The nurse leaves and she stands up quickly, as Alex orders an Uber directing the pick up to a side door. 

Alex takes Tobin’s hand and leads her through the corridors to a side exit just as the vehicle pulls up. They avoid the press camped out just outside the ER doors, waiting for a glimpse of them. Mark had checked in with Alex while Tobin was getting her scan and let her know everyone was gone. Sinc had taken Kling and Savannah back to their apartments, Alex not knowing she would swing by Tobin’s place and clean up the bathroom and the remains of the broken mirror. 

They’re silent in the car on the ride back to their place, Tobin bouncing her knee as she tries to fight the growing nausea, Alex scanning her phone replying to everyone that they were both okay and heading home. 

As soon as the car stopped, Tobin bolted out of the door, fingering the electronic keypad to open the gate, holding it open for Alex and shutting it hard as she turns to the bushes and pukes violently in the grass. Alex has a hand on her back, gently rubbing it as Tobin heaves. 

They make it into the house, Tobin insisting on getting her keys out, Alex silently letting her, sensing Tobin’s increasing frustration with herself. She sits as directed by Tobin who disappears into the bathroom, surprised to find it all cleaned up, sending up a thanks to Sinc for being such a good friend. She returns after brushing her teeth quickly and downing some Tylenol. 

Tobin kneels in front of Alex, silently removing her shoes before looking up at her. “What can I do for you?” she asks quietly, her eyes earnest but laced in disappointment in herself. 

Alex reaches forward and rubs Tobin’s upper arms, “Answer me this: is your stomach okay?” 

Tobin nods, eying dropping and face flushing with embarrassment. “Yeah,” she whispers. 

“No lie?” Alex presses, moving her hand to lift Tobin’s chin so she would look at her. 

“It’s a little jumpy, but it’s okay, I don’t feel sick anymore.” Tobin states, hands on Alex’s knees. 

Alex nods, finally getting the truth. She knows Tobin’s a bundle of nerves and the only way to help her right now is to distract her. 

“Okay,” she smiles at her. “Would you mind giving me a little shoulder massage? I can feel it tightening up.” Tobin smiles in reply and gets to her feet, moving to stand behind the couch and lay her hands softly on Alex’s shoulders. She starts slowly, not wanting to hurt to her, her right hand clumsy with the bandage and her fingers stiff, steadily increasing the pressure of her movements, feeling Alex’s muscles relax under her touch. They don’t speak, Alex leaning back, head just a little forward, enjoying Tobin’s skillful hands. 

Alex is only a little surprised Tobin hasn’t dropped down to kiss her, but she knows Tobin won’t initiate anything because she is hurt. It’s only a couple of minutes until Alex realizes that she’s having Tobin massage her with two broken fingers. She knows not to use that as an excuse to stop, it would only draw Tobin further into the shell Alex knows she’s struggling to stay out of right now. Tobin needs to feel useful to Alex right now, so Alex leans her head back, raising a hand to meet Tobin’s left one and patting it gently. 

“Thanks, babe,” she says sleepily. “That felt great.” 

“Are you hungry? Thirsty? Want some tea?” Tobin solicits, her hands still on Alex’s shoulders. 

“Some tea and toast would be perfect,” Alex replies, rubbing Tobin’s hand. She feels it slide out from under hers as Tobin goes to the kitchen. Alex gets out of her warmup jacket and decides to change into her pajamas. 

“I’ll be right back,” she says as she gets up, “I’m going to change my clothes.” 

“Okay,” Tobin replies, giving her a small smile. 

When she returns, two mugs of tea and a plate of toast is on the coffee table, Tobin wiping down the counter. Alex sits and looks at her, “Come sit with me?” 

Tobin slides in next to her, offering the toast to her, Alex selecting a piece and munching on it. Tobin sits silently and sips her tea, eying Alex. 

“The landing was just fine,” Alex starts, “but then we could feel the plane swerving a little.” Tobin nods, her insides scrunching up. “The pilot had it going well, but then a gust of wind must have caught the plane and we started skidding more.” Alex continues, “Someone announced to prepare for a hard stop, but I still hit my head when we got thrown forward.” She sips her tea and takes another piece of toast. 

Alex feels Tobin’s arm snake around her, rubbing her upper arm. She leans into her, feeling the anxiety radiating from Tobin, sensing her struggling to control it. 

“It was only scary for, like, thirty seconds, it happened so fast.” Alex states, feeling Tobin needs to know she wasn’t scared. She wasn’t traumatized by this. “It was just a freak thing. I’m not scared to fly or anything.” She feels Tobin arm relax onto her shoulders and hears her let a breath out. Alex eats another piece of toast, she’s a little hungry and she thinks if she’s eating while telling Tobin all of this, Tobin will feel she’s calm enough about it and not going to get emotional.

“It’s okay, babe,” Alex says, moving the plate of toast crumbs off Tobin’s thigh so she can rest her hand on it. “I’ll probably be sore tomorrow but I’m fine.” 

“I’m so glad,” Tobin says, her voice shaky. 

Alex smiles at her, “Can we please go to bed now? It’s, like, almost three,” 

“Yeah,” Tobin replies, giving her a small smile, “did you finish your tea?” Alex nods and hands her the mug, watching as Tobin leaves the couch, downing her tea as she walks to the kitchen to put the mugs and plate in the sink. 

Alex gets up, stretches and walks to the bedroom. She already viewed the bathroom mirror destruction, counter cleaned, no shards evident. Sinc must have cleaned up before going home. She brushes her teeth again quickly, then heads to the bed as Tobin walks in, standing in front of her. Tobin takes her hand and leads her to the bed, gently helping her get settled before she enters the bathroom.

Alex is lying on her side when Tobin comes out, changing clothes quickly into sweats and a sweatshirt and sliding in next to her. Alex quickly snuggles in next to her, Tobin bringing an arm around her, their heads close. 

“Will you kiss me, please?” Alex asks, raising her head. Tobin brings her lips to meet her, kissing her slowly at first and then they both open themselves to each other. They break for air, both lying back, looking at each other, smiling. 

“Hit the lights, yeah?” Alex asks, Tobin reaching to shut off the bedside light, plunging the room into darkness. Alex moves onto her as soon as she settles, needing to feel Tobin. 

Alex can feel the tension in Tobin’s body still, knowing she’s nowhere close to falling asleep yet. 

“I almost went for the whiskey,” Tobin says in the darkness. 

“But you didn’t.” Alex counters. 

“I almost took some Valium,” Tobin states. 

“And I’m so proud you didn’t it.” Alex says, rubbing Tobin’s shoulder.

Tobin snorts, “I busted up my hand and broke the mirror,” she says miserably, her voice wavering. 

“I’d rather have that than you giving in and feeling worse about it.” Alex states. 

Tobin sniffles in the darkness. “I just wanted to be there for you,” she confesses, her chest hitching, a sob escaping her lips. “I, I needed to be there for you.” She cries. 

Alex looks down at Tobin, who’s lying there in the moonlight, a miserable look on her face, tears streaming from her eyes. Alex leans over and wipes the tears with the side of her thumb, smiling at her. 

“You did the best you could and I’m so proud of you,” Alex says, running her fingers through Tobin’s hair, “you handled this so much better than I expected.” 

Tobin looks at her curiously, her eyebrows furrowed. 

Alex sighs, laying her hand against Tobin’s jaw, “You didn’t drink, you didn’t pop a pill, you kept yourself together as best you could. I’m sure you were terrified, but you did so well. Honestly? I thought I’d hear from someone that you were having a full blown flashback or something even worse.” 

Alex lays her head on Tobin’s chest, her hand tracing patterns on Tobin’s stomach, “I was so worried for you, I couldn’t get to my phone quick enough. I asked everyone to let you know I was okay, but it was so chaotic I don’t know what happened.” 

“I feel like I failed you,” Tobin says quietly, “here I’m coming to see you at the hospital and I go and faint and then you have to take care of me,” she sniffles. 

“You didn’t fail me,” Alex states seriously, “I would take you fainting any day over the week than you relapsing and choosing to drink or rely on a pill.” She lifts her head up to look in Tobin’s eyes. “I am so proud of you. I love you so much.” 

“Really?” Tobin asks, her voice small and barely a whisper. 

“Absolutely. I am.” Alex says and kisses her gently, slowly. “You’re everything to me, Tobs, and just because you fainted at the hospital doesn’t make me think you weren’t there for me. I know how huge it was for you to even walk through those doors.” 

“I love you,” Tobin confesses, “I was so scared I would lose you.” She shifts her position so she can drape an arm on Alex’s side. Alex can feel her trembling beside her. 

“I didn’t know what to do,” Tobin whispers, pulling Alex closer. 

“I’m sorry you got so scared,” Alex whispers back, “I wish it was different.” 

They’re silent, breathing in synchronicity. Eventually Alex falls asleep, giving in to her exhaustion. Alex feels like she’s only just shut her eyes when she’s awoken by the bed moving violently. She hears Tobin, her voice pleading, “No! Please, Lex, no!” 

Tobin’s head is moving from side to side, an arm holding her head where her stitches are. Her legs are sliding all over, bumping into Alex’s as Alex scrambles up on her elbows. 

“NO!” Tobin begs, “Where are you?” she cries, “I can’t find you!” 

“I’m right here,” Alex soothes, rubbing Tobin’s sternum in an effort to wake her, “I’m here, baby, I’m here and I’m okay.” 

Tobin grabs at her, painfully squeezing her wrist, “Lex?” 

“Tobin, wake up.” Alex says firmly, taking two fingers and pinching her ear lobe. She watches as Tobin’s eyes flutter open in the darkness, light coming through the drapes from the bright moon. 

“Lex?” Tobin questions softly this time. 

“I’m here and I’m safe. I’m okay. We both are.” Alex insists urgently, back to rubbing Tobin’s chest, just below her neck. She feels Tobin relax back into the mattress, taking a deep breath. 

“Okay,” Tobin mumbles, turning her head towards Alex and going back to sleep. Alex sighs, laying her head on Tobin’s chest, draping a leg over, making as much contact as possible between them hoping to still her. 

She drifts off again. 

It’s nearly five o’clock in the morning when Alex is awakened to Tobin sobbing, clutching a pillow to her chest, crying out for Alex. Alex clears her head, her mouth drops in horror as she realizes that Tobin is having a flashback or a nightmare of the crash, only this time, she’s crying over Alex. Tears fall from Alex’s eyes are she looks on, hesitant to touch Tobin at this minute. 

She makes a decision and leaves the bed, walking unsteadily, a pit in her stomach for what’s she’s about to do. She squints as the bright lights flood her eyes in the bathroom, opening the medicine cabinet and rifling through it to find Tobin’s Valium. She breaks a pill in half, draws some water from the sink into a cup and returns to the bedroom. 

She turns on a light, grimacing at Tobin’s figure, hunched over, crying softer now. 

“Do you need help?” she asks her, laying a hand on her shoulder. 

“Alex does,” Tobin says looking at her with unseeing eyes, clearly in a nightmare she hasn’t awoken from. 

“Here,” Alex offers the pill, “take this so you feel better and then we can help Alex.” Alex insists, praying this works without a fight. 

“I don’t like pills,” Tobin frowns, shaking her head. 

“I’d really like to help Alex, but I can’t if you don’t take this.” Alex says apologetically. “It’s really little, it won’t be too bad.” 

“But you’ll help Alex?” Tobin insists, looking hopeful. Alex notes there's not a hint of recognition from Tobin as she nods. “I’ll bring her to the others and they’ll help her, then I’ll come back here for you.” 

Tobin opens her mouth and sticks out her tongue. Alex places the pill on it and watches as Tobin chews it. She holds the water to her lips and Tobin drinks a few chugs of it. 

“Something’s wrong with her head,” Tobin says sadly, sniffling as she’s slowly moving the pillow away from her body slightly, “please let them fix her.” 

“They’re the best, she’ll be good as new, I promise.” Alex states as she gently takes the pillow in her arms, “I’ll be right back.” 

She slowly walks out of the room, figuring to play along and be realistic to calm Tobin down. “Yes, you guys fix her up, take care of her and make sure her head is better.” She instructs in the empty hallway, dropping the pillow to the floor. 

She returns to the bedroom, seeing Tobin laying on back wiping the tears from her eyes, still in her dream. Alex lays beside her, shutting the light off, “We need you to rest to get better and then you’ll be able to see her.” Alex states, hoping to keep her in bed and not wandering around the house before the pill kicked in. 

Tobin surprisingly stays in place, turning her head to look at her, squinting in the darkness. “You remind me of Alex.” She says softly. 

This could be interesting, Alex thinks to herself, “Is that so?” she questions, “How?” 

“You’re beautiful, just like she is,” Tobin says bluntly, holding her own right hand with her left, feeling some pain from her fingers, “you have her calmness and you’re caring, I can just tell.” 

“Really?” Alex asks, sliding onto her side to watch Tobin. 

“Yeah, I love her so much,” Tobin says, giving her a goofy smile, “I want to marry her, but I think it might be too soon.” 

Alex flinches in surprise, clearly not expecting to hear this. “You do?” she gushes, smiling at her. 

“Well, yeah,” Tobin shrugs as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “I just don’t want to freak her out,” she shakes her head, “I don’t know if she’ll say yes.” She sighs. “I just love her so much, I want to be with her forever. She, like, completes me, you know?” she shrugs again. Alex’s heart is bursting at this. 

“Well, she would be crazy to say no to you, why do you think she might?” Alex asks, intrigued. Part of her feels she’s taking advantage of Tobin in this state, but a larger part is excited and wants answers. 

“I’ve got issues,” Tobin says sadly, a frown on her face, “I feel like they might be too much for her to want to deal with.” 

“Well,” Alex replies, thinking fast about how to comfort Tobin and maybe get a little more info out of her, “we got coffee after practice last week and she told me she’s head over heels in love with you.” 

Tobin turns to her, “She did?” she asks, her sleepy eyes wide, like a little kid. 

“Oh yeah,” Alex says, feeling more confident, “and she told me she wants to marry you.” 

Tobin’s mouth drops open, her eyes still wide, “She did?” her voice full wonder. 

“Yes,” Alex answers, “I believe her exact words were ‘I want to be with her in every way and I can’t wait to slide a ring on her finger.’” 

“Woah,” Tobin says, growing drowsy, “that’s so rad.” She smiles crookedly. 

“So, you can feel very confident in asking her to marry you. Alex wouldn’t lie to me about that.” Alex says, watching Tobin’s eyes grow glassy as she fights sleep in the moonlight. 

“Awesome,” Tobin smiles as she falls asleep. 

Alex snuggles in, wrapping her leg over Tobin, feeling her steady breathing and thinking about what had just transpired. Am I ready to get married, she wonders. Hell yes, she answers herself, why wait, you know this is it. Tobin is her end game. But will Tobin overthink everything and lose her resolve, she wonders. 

She decides to just go with the flow, if they talk about things she’s ready for it, but she knows she wants to be with Tobin, forever. She wonders if Tobin will remember this part of her dream tomorrow. 

October 3, 2022

 

Alex awakes around nine-thirty to her phone buzzing insistently. She sleepily reaches for it, squinting in the daylight to see it’s her Mom. 

“Hey Mom,” she greets, her voice tired and quiet. She glances over and sees Tobin’s passed out to the world, lying on her side, facing her, drooling onto her pillow. She looks so cute. 

“Are you alright?” her Mom asks, “I got your text saying you’re okay but what happened?” 

Alex quietly reviews her evening with her Mother, knowing Tobin won’t wake from her voice, she tells her Mom everything. Including the marriage part. 

“Do you think you’re both ready for it?” her asks sensibly, trying to hide her excitement. Her and Tobin’s mother have become close friends over the years so they are constantly speaking to one another about their daughters. Since Alex moved in with Tobin at the end of May, her Mom’s been hoping to herself they’ll be together. Alex has already confessed to her Mom that she loves Tobin, it’s no secret to anyone really. 

“Maybe not yet, but that doesn’t mean we couldn’t get engaged.” Alex replies. 

“Huh,” her Mom says, thinking it over, “that’s true.” 

Alex yawns as she glances at her phone, they’ve been talking for a half an hour, “Mom, I think I’m going to go back to sleep, I’m really tired. Will you call Jen and Jer and let them know I’m okay?” she doesn’t want her sisters calling while she tries to sleep. 

“Sure thing,” her Mom promises, “I’m so happy it’s just a few stitches,” she says, “we’ll see you before the final.” Her parents were coming out to watch the Championship Match at Providence Park this week. 

“I’ll see you in a few days,” Ale says, “love you.” 

“Love you too, sweetie, you take care of Tobin, dear and let her take care of you.” Her Mom replies. 

Alex rolls her eyes at the demand, but knows what her Mom means. “I will, to both.” She promises as they hang up. She sets her phone on silent, leaves the bed to use the bathroom and gets a drink of water. She opens the curtains to let the sun in, making it feel like they’re napping in the afternoon and then slides into bed, snuggling close to Tobin. 

She frowns when she sees the crease back on Tobin’s forehead, but blames it on last night, knowing how upset she was. She brings her pillow close to Tobin’s so she’s right next to her, drapes an arm on her waist and settles down. 

She falls asleep quickly, content lying next to the woman she loves. 

 

Alex is awoken to talking. Someone is speaking in their bedroom. She listens, trying to figure out the voice. 

“Pancakes.” The voice rumbles, it’s Tobin. Alex cracks an eye open and sees Tobin is still asleep. She sighs as the woman she loves is having some sort of conversation in her sleep. Alex smiles as she closes her eye thinking that awake or asleep Tobin is never boring. 

“Move the truck,” Tobin murmurs. “Take the goat.” 

A goat? Alex thinks. What the Hell? 

“The tree needs an oil change.” Tobin mumbles, her voice sounding nasally. “Take the surfboard.” 

It’s quiet for a minute. Tobin shifts her legs, moving one onto Alex, “Bacon. Bacon and salsa.” 

It sounds disgusting to Alex but her stomach reacts with a loud rumble. She’s hungry. She hears a weird licking type sound coming from next to her. She opens her eyes to see   
Tobin grimacing as she scraps her tongue with her top teeth, as if trying to get a bad taste from her mouth. 

The pill she chewed last night, Alex realizes. Tobin rolls onto her back suddenly, Alex’s arm dropping onto the mattress, making her open her eyes again. 

Tobin has brought her bandaged hand up to the neck of her t-shirt, bringing it to her mouth and wiping her tongue. 

“This chalk sucks,” Tobin makes face, making Alex giggle softly, “too much cement.” 

“Baby, wake up,” Alex croons softly. 

Alex is entertained watching the horrible faces Tobin makes as she wipes her drool and attempts to open her eyes. Tobin’s eyebrows go high as she tries to unstick her eyes, crusted over from crying during the night. She sniffles, wiping under her nose, then scratching under her eye, her hand falling back to her side. 

“Babe,” Alex repeats, “wake up.” 

Tobin finally opens her eyes, those brown orbs staring tiredly at Alex, blinking rapidly. She sighs loudly, shifting her back and moving closer to Alex. 

“Hi,” she says quietly, her voice rough. 

“Good morning, sweetheart, how do you feel?” Alex asks with a soft smile. 

“Foggy,” comes the reply. Alex nods. 

“I gave you half a Valium last night.” Alex says just as quietly. Tobin nods. 

“I was a handful, huh?” Tobin asks, sadly. 

Alex shakes her head against her pillow, “No, not really, but you kept having nightmares and I wanted you to rest.” 

She feels Tobin stiffen. Alex lays her hand on the side of Tobin’s face, “It wasn’t that bad, I wouldn’t lie to you.” Tobin nods, sighing. 

“You sure you want to deal with this?” Tobin asks, her voice tired and unsteady, her body shrinking back from Alex just ever so slightly.

Alex moves herself closer, wrapping her arm around Tobin’s back, pulling her near. “Absolutely, even the drool.” 

“Oh, ew,” Tobin says, smiling a little as she wipes at her face again. “Sorry,” 

“Don’t worry,” Alex says, leaning forward, “kiss me.” 

Tobin shakes her head, pulling back, “I’m gross.” 

Alex raises her eyebrows, feeling the stitches pull a little. She swiftly moves on top of Tobin, looking down at her with a smirk. “Kiss me,” she demands. 

Tobin rolls her eyes and puckers her lips as Alex leans in and gives her a soft kiss. 

“I want to deal with this everyday for the rest of my life, you hear?” Alex says seriously, looking into Tobin’s eyes. “Don’t you ever doubt my love for you. You’re it for me.” 

Tobin can only gulp and nod her head, eyes welling with tears.

Alex brings herself down on her elbows, moving quickly again to hug Tobin and pull her over on top of her, rubbing her back. “I love you,” she says, kissing her again. 

“I love you, too,” Tobin says, nodding at her, “so much.” 

Alex watches as Tobin’s throat moves up and down, swallowing a few times as she tries to find words. “How are you feeling?” she asks. 

“A little stiff but not bad.” Alex replies, “How about you?” 

Tobin offers her a smile, a genuine smile, “There’s something disgusting living in my mouth right now, I think I left my contacts in and my hand kind of hurts but other than that, I’m good.” 

“Good, you hungry?” Alex smiles. 

“Yeah, kind of starving actually,” Tobin admits. 

“Well, let’s get breakfast started!” Alex exclaims, slapping Tobin’s butt and pushing her off so she can get out of bed. 

Tobin groans as she flops on her stomach, yawning into the pillow. From the door Alex sees Tobin moving slowly from the bed, walking slightly unsteady but okay. 

After breakfast they sack out on the couch, returning texts and phone calls, letting their friends and family know they were okay. Tobin texts Jo to schedule an appointment, wanting to talk to her about her experience and get her insight into how she handled things. Alex telling her she was proud of her was huge, but Tobin wants some validation from Jo in order to accept that she might, actually, be getting handle on sudden triggers and how she reacts to them. 

Alex checks in with the Thorns training staff, letting them know her aches and pain which were relatively few. She feels confident she would play.

After checking in and talking to those they needed to, Tobin took care of Alex’s soreness with a wonderful shower and then a one handed full body massage. That ended up with the two of them thrashing around on the bed, making passionate love. Both of them were hungry for each other, needing the physical closeness, needing the touch of one another. Desperately needing to feel each other. 

A short nap after their exertions found it to be around seven o’clock and both of them hungry. They showered again, much more chastely this time, and dressed to go eat dinner. After a quiet dinner in their favorite restaurant, Tobin dropped off Alex to get her car from the lot at Providence Park and they headed home. 

The next morning they awoke, both on an even keel, Alex noting Tobin being a little on the quiet side and a new determination in her but not knowing for sure what it involved. She thought maybe it was her afternoon appointment with Jo that Tobin was stewing over, but she wasn’t sure. 

What concerns her was the crease being back on Tobin’s forehead as she slept. 

 

Something was going on, but Alex couldn’t put her finger on it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a couple of chapters left in this one Dear Readers, I cannot express my gratitude for your kudos and comments. Y'all are wonderful!


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We find out how the Final goes, the get together afterwards and Alex and Tobin mingling with everyone. Little fluff, little light and Alex is a horndog.

October 7, 2022

Tobin stares at the wall of boxes in front of her. She sighs deeply, wondering where to start. Since Alex has moved in, she’s had more of her stuff shipped in and her boxes have now joined Tobin’s and have created a wall slightly deeper and taller than her. She starts casually going through them, clumsily with her wrapped right hand, feeling lucky both her and Alex were good about labeling them. There are Rubbermaid totes and cardboard boxes to sort and eventually Tobin gets frustrated and opens the garage door and pulls her vehicle out so she can spread them out and sort them by category in the empty garage. 

Tobin knows she’s looking for an old Amazon box that was packed up a while ago. She needs to find it. It’s the box that her holds her belongings from the crash. 

She remembers blankly staring at the bag being handed to her of Christen’s possessions from the airlines. She’s pretty sure she went through it and later disposed of her items. She had flown out Christen’s sisters Tyler and Channing to help her sort her belongings at her condo. She was heavily medicated at the time, so her memory of it is a little spotty.   
But now, she’s looking for the box of her stuff. 

Two hours later, Tobin is munching on an apple and standing in front of the highly organized wall of boxes and bins. Her gaze falls upon a bin labeled ‘Morgan/Christmas’ and she grins thinking about spending the holidays with Alex and what that might look like. She makes a mental note to begin thinking about holiday logistics and travel.

Right now, she still needs to find her box. 

Her box isn’t here and she wonders where she put it. An unsettling thought enters her mind. Did she dispose of it while she was drunk or drugged out of her mind?   
She goes back into the house, chucking the apple core into the trash. The box is not in the basement, she would have run across it while they were remodeling. She looks through the closets with no luck. 

She’s lucky to be doing this, waiting patiently all week to begin her search. Alex’s parents are in town staying with them as Alex prepares for the final. It’s a big week and Tobin is just staying out of her way, letting her focus on what she needs to do. She has meals ready, massages to offer and cuddles before bed. She just wants to support her as best she can and leave her free to just do her thing. 

Right now, Alex’s parents are out and about, shopping in Portland, planning to have dinner in town and spending the day revisiting sights they haven’t seen since Alex played here almost ten years ago. So, she’s got the house to herself and she’s on a mission. 

 

She. Needs. To. Find. The. Box. 

 

The attic, she snaps her fingers, vaguely remembering shoving it up there not long after moving in. She pulls down the door in the hallway ceiling and unfolds the wooden ladder. Her head pops into the darkness, reaching blindly to grasp the pull string for the bare lightbulb. 

The box sits in front of her, Tobin recognizing her Mother’s handwriting simply stating Tobin’s name on a white label with the edges curling. Tobin and the box have a stare down before she extends a shaky hand out to grab a corner and pull it to herself. She brings it down and sets it on the kitchen table. She pops back into the attic to pull the string, turning the light off, descends the ladder, folds it up and gently allows the springs to pull it back in place on the ceiling. 

Tobin sits down at the table, eying the box warily as if it might spring towards her or something. She doesn’t think the box holds any surprises but she isn’t entirely sure. Most of that time is foggy to her, the medication allowing her to function but not really retain much except the pain of losing Christen and her friends. She has no clue how she managed going to all of the wakes and funerals, ending with the official USA Soccer Memorial held in LA. Cheney was at her side, her parents were there, Christen’s parents, both of their siblings. It felt like she roamed the country for two weeks, just attending the services. 

The drugs allowed her to get on a plane, but she was mess. Everyone was. Her neck was bandaged, her shoulder in a sling yet there she was. Next to Christen’s, Kelley’s was the worst to go through. The Irish know how to grieve. They cry and laugh and drink and cry some more. They tell stories that make you cry from laughter and then from heart wrenching sadness. 

Tobin’s phone chirps and she pulls it from her pocket. It’s Alex, on her way home from practice, wondering what is for dinner. Shit, Tobin thinks, knowing she let the time get away from her and doesn’t have a clue of what to feed themselves. 

Tobin swiftly takes the box in her hands, clomping down the basement stairs, stashing it behind the bar for another time. She moves just as quick back to the kitchen, flinging the fridge door open to evaluate her choices for the night. Tomorrow is game day so tonight should be pasta. She quickly pulls out some chicken, gets a pot of water for the noodles and begins to cook. 

 

Alex watches Tobin as they eat quietly, sitting on the couch, side by side, ESPN playing on the TV. Alex knows Tobin’s got something on her mind and has since the beginning of the week with the plane incident. She knows how difficult it was for Tobin to go through. She can only imagine her panic and fear. Sinc had told her how upset Tobin was, but how hard she worked at keeping it together. 

Tobin seemed more settled after her appointment with Jo, but Alex felt that Tobin was seeking something else. When she would get home from practice, Tobin would tell her about her day, checking the fields, meeting with Sinc about the bids for the upcoming matches they hoped to host in the spring and next year. Tobin wasn’t super busy at this time of year, so she would read or paint or write in her journal as well. Work out, get in a run. 

But Alex feels like she was holding something back and she isn’t sure what it was and also is a little nervous to address it with her. A selfish part of her wants to just focus on the match coming up tomorrow but she still has this nagging worry about Tobin’s mental health. 

When they’re together this week, all Alex feels is how devoted Tobin is her, she’s always doing the little things for her so she can just rest or study the playbook or film. Tobin’s meeting her needs before Alex realizes what they are and she’s so grateful for her doing that. 

They’re sitting on the couch, munching on popcorn watching a previous game the Thorns played against the Boston Breakers. The Breakers will be their opponent tomorrow. Alex elbows Tobin who gives her side eye as she’s finishing stuffing a handful of popcorn in her mouth. 

“Thank you,” Alex says, laying her hand on Tobin’s thigh. “This week has been wonderful and I really appreciate you taking care of everything for me.” 

Tobin grins at her, “I didn’t do much,” she says with a mouthful of popcorn.

“Yes, you did,” Alex insists, “you kept the house clean, made the meals, did the shopping, entertained my parents, the laundry,” she leans over to kiss her, “you’re so considerate for letting me focus on just soccer this week and I’m so grateful to you.” 

Tobin smiles and kisses her back, “You’re welcome,” she says, “I happen to really like taking care of you.” 

“It shows, and I love you for it.” Alex says, leaning her head on Tobin’s shoulder. The game is over and Tobin turns the TV off. 

“Bed?” she asks Alex. It’s nine-thirty but she wants Alex to get a good night’s rest. 

“Yeah,” Alex nods but doesn’t move. She grabs a hold of Tobin’s hand, intertwining their fingers. 

“Hon?” she asks tentatively, suddenly nervous. “Can I ask you something?” 

“Sure,” Tobin nods as she sets the popcorn bowl down next to her and shifts to face Alex. 

“Are, are you alright?” Alex asks, tilting her head slightly. 

“Yeah, what do you mean?” Tobin asks, but she knows, she knows she can’t hide much from Alex. 

“You just seem a little off? Like, distracted, I don’t know.” Alex shrugs. 

Tobin sighs as she looks at Alex, she begins to rub the back of her hand with her thumb. “It’s not bad, I don’t want you to worry,” she begins, “I just, I just kinda have something I need to do and I’ve been a little frustrated about trying to make the time to do it.” 

Alex scrunches her forehead, perplexed. “Do you need to go somewhere or something? Or is it because my parents are here?” 

Tobin shakes her head, “No, no, it’s not like that,” she leans back into the couch. “I needed to find something and didn’t want to tear apart the house looking for it. I found it today. I started in the garage.” Tobin explains. 

“I saw the boxes,” Alex nods, “little OCD much in your organizing by holiday?” she gives Tobin a small grin. 

Tobin smiles back at her, “Once I started it was just easier that way,” she says, relaxing, “listen, it’s something I want to share with you, it’s important, but I’d like to wait until after the final and the team rally and the press after you win.” She states. 

“Getting a little ahead of yourself, aren’t you? I still have to play the game.” Alex raises her eyebrows at her. 

“Oh, you’ll win,” Tobin states firmly, “I just don’t know yet if you’ll score two or three goals.” 

Alex shakes her head. “Do you want to talk about it?” she asks quietly. 

Tobin shrugs, “I feel like it’s a good thing, an important step for me, okay? But I, I just, I’d really like to do this when we’re alone.” She gives her a thin smile. 

“I don’t want to push,” Alex states, “I just want to be sure you’re okay? Like, I don’t think you’re going to do anything goofy, but I’m concerned.” The fleeting thought of Tobin proposing to her runs through her mind. This isn’t it, she dismisses, Tobin would be carrying a different energy about herself if that was case. She’d be nervous, she’d be giggly, like a kid with a secret. 

Tobin continues to stroke the back of Alex’s hand, “I feel much better now that I’ve found what I’m looking for, I’m just not sure how I’ll feel when I go through it and I want to do that with you, just you.” 

“Okay,” Alex says, feeling better, leaning forward to give her a soft kiss, “whenever you want, I’ll be there.” 

Tobin hugs her, holding her tight, “I know you will and I love you for it.” 

They kiss again, just a quick one because Alex recently learned Tobin has a thing about refusing to make out with popcorn kernels in her teeth. 

“Now, bed?” Tobin says, grinning devilishly as she stands, holding Alex’s hand to pull her up. 

Alex stops, holding Tobin’s hand firmly as she shakes her head, “My parents’ will be back any time, we are not having sex.” 

Tobin chuckles, “Oh yes we are,” she pulls at her, “I happen to know your folks won’t be home until at least eleven.” 

“How?” Alex questions, dropping Tobin’s hand and crossing her arms, hip cocked to the side. 

“I may have gotten them tickets to a play tonight that started about a half an hour ago.” Tobin grins slyly as she nods her head. 

Alex’s mouth drops open, shocked at Tobin. “You did?” 

Tobin nears her, taking her in her arms, “I did, my love,” she says huskily, dipping her head to Alex’s neck and sucking gently. 

Alex stifles a moan, letting herself get in mood, “You are something else, Heath.” She says as she firmly squeezes Tobin’s ass. 

“Let’s go,” Tobin urges, walking them to the bedroom, “I don’t want you to be screaming when they walk in,” 

Alex slaps her shoulder and allows Tobin to lead her to the bedroom. 

 

 

The next day, Alex did end up scoring three goals and bagging two assists. It was a lopsided match from the first whistle. Tobin sat with Alex’s parents and they screamed and yelled, holding up their scarves every time the red smoke poured. Allie scored, Sonnet scored, and even Kling scored the last goal about two minutes after she came on in the eightieth minute. 

Tobin was thrilled for Kling, it was her last match, having announced a week earlier she was hanging up her cleats when the season was over. Tobin had tears in her eyes as she watched the players celebrate on the field, laughing, crying hugging each other as the confetti swirled around them. She was proud of them. They had worked so hard. Alex had worked so hard. Finding her passion for the game yet again and becoming a dominant, unpredictable force on the field. 

They left the match, having planned to meet up with the team after their locker room celebrations at a designated party place, with Alex being told it was a restaurant and bar, while in truth it was back Tobin’s facility. When they arrived, cars were already parked, other friends and family having arrived, milling about with drinks and munching on appetizers in the main room. 

Sinc and Tobin had trusted staff in place and the two could relax and enjoy the evening. Tobin had even snuck over overnight bags and had them stashed in a dorm room for and Alex later. Other players had been invited to stay over as well, the staff would be serving breakfast the next day. 

Buses were provided for the team to come over as a group and one would take them back later in the night or the next morning so they could retrieve their cars. 

Alex came in seeking Tobin and wagging her index finger as she approached, narrowing her eyes and smirking at her about the surprise venue. 

“You little liar,” she says as she envelops Tobin in a hug. 

Tobin kisses her. “You were amazing,” she breathes, eyes sparkling, “I’m so proud of you.” 

“I wouldn’t be here without you,” Alex says softly, tears forming in her eyes, “you brought me back to life. I love my life again and it wouldn’t have happened without you.” 

“I could say the same thing.” Tobin replies, hugging her tightly. “I love you.” 

“I love you, too.” Alex says, smiling at her. 

Suddenly Tobin lifts her in the air, swinging her around, Alex’s legs flying out. “You did it!” Tobin’s shouting as she spins her. 

Those gathered around them start yelling and soon Tobin is leading everyone in chanting and clapping “PT-FC!” 

After the chant, Tobin lays a hand on the Alex’s lower back, stopping to greet everyone they meet as she leads them to the bar. 

Tobin orders them drinks and hands the glass of champagne she knows Alex likes to her. They clink bottle to flute and grin. 

“Bet you ten bucks Pia calls you,” Tobin smiles. 

Alex shakes her head, “My answer is no.” She’s done with the National Team. Besides, she wouldn’t do it without Tobin by her side. She’s never tell her that, but Alex just wouldn’t do it. She couldn’t do it knowing Tobin and her issues with air travel. Especially after last week, she wouldn’t subject her to the stress of it. 

They separate to hang with others enjoying the party, visiting with families and friends of the players. She sees Sinc rolling out a game cart and Sonnet and Allie rallying a crowd around to try and beat them. She shakes her and laughs. 

She finds Kling who throws herself at her, a little drunk and very happy. 

“You scored, dude!” Tobin exclaims, hugging her tight, “I’m so happy for you! What a way to go out!” 

“It was awesome!” Kling grins wildly. She takes both of Tobin’s hands in hers. “Please tell me you will have karaoke tonight.” 

Tobin twists their arms so she can look at her watch. “In about ten minutes.” 

Kling rushes into her, kissing her full on the lips. “I love you!” she exclaims as she skips away, downing her beer and heading to the bar for another. 

Tobin laughs and shakes her head. She sees Alex a few feet away and they make eye contact. Tobin gives her a head nod and turns and bumps into someone. 

“Oh, sorry!” she says. 

“My Ice Bear!” a very drunk Nadine Angerer shouts. “I miss you on the pitch!” She pulls Tobin in for a bone crushing hug. “You come to practice next year and embarrass my goalies. You come and fuck them up!” 

Tobin grins and nods. She holds her beer out and Nadine crashes her bottle into it and they drink. Nadine hugs her again, much more gently this time. “You were always my favorite Ice Bear.” She says quietly. “I’m so happy you doing so well. I love you.” 

She pulls back, grips Tobin’s shoulders, nods her heads a few times and walks away before Tobin can say anything. Stunned, she turns again and moves towards Alex’s parents. 

Alex’s Mom takes one look at her and hugs her. She rubs her back slowly. 

“You doing alright?” she asks quietly. 

Tobin nods, “Yeah, just, a little overwhelmed.” 

“Let’s take a little walk,” she suggests and leads her out into the lobby and out the doors. Once they’re outside, Pam puts her arm around Tobin’s shoulders and gives her a side. “So, you got anything on ya to relax?” she asks, wiggling her eyebrows. 

“Seriously?” Tobin asks, a slow smile spreading across her face as she reaches in her pocket and pulls out her pipe and lighter. 

“Is this the good stuff?” Pam asks excitedly as she brings it to her lips. 

“Oh yeah, it’ll take care of you.” Tobin grins. Pam takes a hit and passes it to back to her. Tobin does a quick one and offers it to Pam again. 

Pam is toking away when they hear a loud yell. “Mom!” Alex chastises her loudly as she swiftly walks to her. “What are you doing?” 

“Well dear,” her Mom giggles, “uh,” 

Tobin laughs and Alex turns to turns, smacking her in the arm, “What are you doing corrupting my Mother?” she narrows her eyes at her. 

“Hey Tobin!” Alex’s Dad calls out as he approaches after watching his wife, Tobin and his daughter all head outside. “You got the Wave on ya?” he asks, bringing his thumb and index finger pinched together to his lips, imitating smoking. 

“Yep,” Tobin smiles big, showing teeth. Alex smacks her again. “My Dad too?” 

“Oh, don’t be so square Alex,” Pam says, passing the pipe to Mike. He takes a hit, “Yeah, don’t be such a square.” He says blowing smoke and offering it to her. “Besides, Tobin grows some of the best shit ever.” He says and offers a fist for Tobin to bump with her left hand. 

She stares at him, arms crossed. “The two of you, huh?” she says disapprovingly, acting like she’s the parent. 

Tobin lets out a laugh. Alex smacks her again on the arm, “Ow,” Tobin says, rubbing the spot. Tobin takes the pipe from Mike and lights up. 

Mike wraps his arm around Pam and they begin to walk away, “We’ll see you kids later,” he laughs. 

“Yeah, but don’t wait up!” Pam giggles. 

“Oh, ew!” Alex exclaims under her breath, fingers in her temples, rubbing them gently. Tobin slides in and hugs her. 

“So, did you want some?” she asks her quietly. Alex nods and smiles, giggling softly. Tobin takes another hit, inhaling deeply and then kisses Alex, blowing the smoke into her lungs. They break apart so they could both exhale. 

“That was pretty funny,” Tobin murmurs. 

“They love it when I give them a hard time.” Alex grins. She turns to Tobin. “You good?” 

“Yeah,” Tobin nods. “I just surprised by a very drunk German.” 

“She said you were her favorite Ice Bear?” Alex prods. 

“Yep.” Tobin nods. “And it gets me every damn time she says it.” 

“Well, it’s true.” Alex states, “she tells us that all the time.” They slowly walk towards the doors to join the others. “You know, she threatens the rookies with you?” 

“What?” Tobin shakes her head, “No way,” 

“Oh yeah,” Alex insists, “she tells them that she’d make you come in and you’d embarrass each of them so badly you’d make them cry.” 

“Get out of here!” Tobin exclaims, laughing. 

“She does!” Alex persists, “And some of those girls look like they’re going to cry when she says it. They’re terrified.” 

“That’s hilarious!” Tobin laughs as she swings the door open for Alex to enter. 

“Harry!” Allie exclaims, rushing up to her. “I’ve been looking for you!” She says as she stands in front of them. 

“What’s up?” Tobin asks. 

“I have something to tell you and Alex.” she says nervously. “I’m leaving to go back to Long Island in a few days but I just need to tell you now.” 

Tobin and Alex nods their heads. 

“I’m pregnant.” Allie whispers, her eyes wide. 

Tobin’s mouth drop opens, “Really?” 

Allie nods, looking terrified. 

“That’s fantastic!” Tobin yells, pulling her into a hug. 

“Allie, how exciting!” Alex says, joining the hug. 

“You’re going to be an awesome Mom,” Tobin states, holding Allie at arms length, “I’m so excited for you.” 

“When did you find out?” Alex wonders. 

“Uh,” Allie shrugs, “this morning.” 

“And you didn’t say anything during warmup?” Alex demands. 

Allie shakes her head, “I told Mark and asked him to keep me out unless we had a huge lead.” 

They celebrate and shed some happy tears. “We’re keeping this quiet until after my first trimester.” Allie advises, “So, please, keep it on the down low.” 

“Who else knows?” Alex questions. 

“Sonnet, Kling and Sinc.” Allie states. “That’s it.” 

“Nobody will hear it from us.” Ales says as Tobin nods. 

“When are you due?” Tobin asks quietly. 

A huge smile forms on Allie’s face. “May 29th.” 

Tobin smiles, “That’s awesome!” 

They enter the main room and hear Kling singing her heart out to a Britney Spears song, drunkenly butchering the lyrics. 

Allie leaves them after one last hug and Alex puts her arm around Tobin as Mark Parsons approaches. 

“There you are,” he smiles, hugging each of them, “my two angels.” 

“Hey Coach,” Alex grins, “how are you feeling?” 

He smiles wide, a bit drunk, “Like I’m the luckiest Coach in the world.” He drapes an arm around each of them, “Listen, you two have been amazing. Don’t think I don’t know how much you help the team by the things you do for them.” 

They sway a little as he guides them around the room. “You two have been the best mentors I’ve ever had, right along with Sinc.” He spots her a few yards away. “Hey!” he calls out, “Sinc! Get over here!” 

Sinc smiles as she approaches. Mark forms a huddle with them. “We would never be the team we are if it wasn’t for you three. I love you guys, and I can’t thank you enough for keeping my players housed, fed, happy and knowing they have amazing people to talk to when they need advice.” 

“Aw, Coach,” Tobin starts,

“No!” he says dramatically, “We’re not getting mushy, there’s cameras everywhere.” He laughs. Alex looks around, sure enough, players and staff are filming their huddle.   
He stands back from them, smiling broadly. “There’s only one thing to say.” He nods. 

“PT-FC!” he claps. “PT-FC!” Alex, Tobin and Sinc join in the cheer and soon the whole room is shouting it at the top of their lungs. 

When they stop, Tobin hugs Mark, “Thank you, for everything you’ve done for me.” 

Alex hugs him, murmuring similar sentiments as well as Sinc and he wanders off. The three smile and shake their heads and watch as Kling dramatically finishes her song with much hip shaking and even some twerking. 

A round of applause fills the room.

“Why do I feel this one is even better and I don’t even play anymore?” Sinc asks with smile. 

“Because we don’t have to feel the pressure.” Tobin responds as Sinc nods. “This one does.” She cocks her head to Alex. 

“And you make everything so easy for me, I didn’t feel it one bit. I just went and played.” Alex says sweetly as she kisses Tobin’s cheek as Tobin blushes. Sinc laughs and high fives both of them and bids them a good night. One of the buses has pulled up and some people are filtering out. It’s been a long day. 

“Did you eat something?” Tobin asks Alex.

“Yeah, I had some shrimp and pasta.” Alex replies, as she wraps her arms around Tobin’s waist. “It was delicious. You?” 

Tobin nods, “I had about ten of those mushroom, bacon and cheese mini quiches. They were awesome.” 

Alex eyes her, glancing at Tobin’s lips before meeting her gaze, “You ready to get out of here?” she asks seductively. 

“Yeah,” Tobin says as she lowers her hand to Alex’s hip, “I think my star forward needs her post game cool down.” 

Alex arches an eyebrow, “Cool down?” she smiles. “I was thinking of a postgame workout. You know, getting all hot,” she says leaning closer to Tobin, “and getting sweaty.” 

“Is that so?” Tobin questions, raising an eyebrow at her, “I think we can make something like that happen.” She grins. “We should say our goodbyes and then get out of here.” She turns but Alex holds her close, her head next to Tobin’s. 

“I need to fuck you right now, Heath. Let’s go.” She demands, her hot breath on Tobin’s neck, sending shivers down her spine. She leads Tobin out the room, both of them hearing a few catcalls. 

Tobin surprises Alex by veering off towards the dorms instead of following the path to her home. “I booked us a room, madam.” She grins. 

Alex grins back at her. “It better have thick walls, ‘cause I’m gonna make you scream tonight.” 

Tobin can feel the wetness growing in between her legs as they quicken their pace down the hallway and finally stop at the end. Tobin made sure not to have anyone occupy the rooms near them, just for the noise factor. 

Before Tobin swipes the key card into the lock, she looks at Alex and smiles. “I love you.” 

Alex smiles back, “I love you, too.” She says and kisses her passionately. “Now open the fucking door before I rip your clothes off and take you right here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just finished the last chapter, which I'll post soon. This has been an interesting story to write, sorry again about it being so depressing at times. 
> 
> I'm leaving this story open because I think there's a chance to come back with another one day and see how things are with our favorite couple. 
> 
> I can't thank you enough for all of the support and kind words, and I apologize for not commenting so much on them. Time is limited for me, so it was either respond or write and I chose to write. 
> 
> Tobi and Kate are up on deck next, it may take some time with the holidays approaching, so you won't see anything soon.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What has been on Tobin's mind, distracting her so much? What is in the box? Is a proposal in the air?

Monday, October 9, 2022

 

Alex pops an eye open when she feels Tobin’s elbow hit her yet again as she moves in the bed. Alex doesn’t know what time it is but Tobin has been restless the entire night. Tossing and turning, flinching, talking in mumbles Alex couldn’t understand. She wasn’t having any nightmares but she just couldn’t settle down. Alex is concerned. 

Alex moves in closer, wrapping her arm around Tobin’s midsection, draping a leg over her hoping the contact would relax her. She can feel and hear Tobin sigh deeply, moving her head so it was touching Alex’s and then silence. 

They’re alone now, sending off Alex’s parents last night after the Thorns victory rally. Yesterday had been a festive day, Alex wishing Tobin would be on the field with her to relish it, but knowing she was content to be a fan and watch from the stands. She misses playing with her, but she knows that part of Tobin’s life is gone. They have a great time kicking the ball around and Tobin even organizes full on practices that she participates in. 

Alex never speaks to Mark about it, but Tobin studies the games and sees where the weaknesses are and creates drills that are fun to the rookies who come to practice on off days. They have a great time on the field, even Sinc joins in, and they end the day telling soccer stories over dinner at their house. 

Alex thinks Tobin would be an amazing coach, but she knows Tobin is content in doing what she’s doing. The travel part is the big hiccup and that’s why Tobin never let her mind think of the possibility. 

They both drift off and sleep for another few hours, Tobin only shifting every once in a while, reaching for Alex and then being still. 

When Alex finally wakes up in the morning, the space next to her is empty. She blinks as she wakes up, glancing around the room for Tobin and then listening to hear if she’s in the bathroom. She looks at the clock on her nightstand, it’s almost nine-thirty and she sits up, shivering a little as the comforter falls off her arms. 

She gets out of bed, uses the bathroom and throws on a sweatshirt before leaving the room. She sees Tobin in the kitchen, looking disheveled as she sleepily turns over some bacon in the pan as it cooks. 

“Morning,” Alex says as she gives her a side hug, kissing her cheek. 

“Hey,” Tobin greets, running her hand along Alex’s back, “good morning.” 

“Whatcha making?” Alex questions, eying the bacon hungrily. 

“Well, bacon,” Tobin grins sleepily, “and either pancakes or waffles. The Champion and MVP gets to pick.” She kisses her cheek. 

“Is that so?” Alex laughs, “what an honor.” She says as she brushes past Tobin to pour herself a cup of coffee. “I’m kinda feeling pancakes today.” 

“Nice,” Tobin grins, facing her, “and how would you like them? Chocolate chip?” 

Alex nods, blowing on her coffee, “Of course, winners eat only chocolate chip, didn’t you know that?” she laughs and bumps Tobin’s shoulder with her own. “Oh, wait, you’re the one who got me hooked on them.” 

Tobin lets out a laugh, “Well, winning is contagious, that’s what Anson always says.” 

“What can I do to help?” Alex asks, surveying the kitchen counter, seeing the bowl and whisk laid out. 

“If you could just get out the pancake mix and the chocolate chips, I’ll do the rest,” Tobin states, placing the bacon strips on the paper towel she has laid and covering it with a piece of foil. 

“I can help,” Alex insists, setting the mix and small bag of chips down on the counter. 

“Plates, forks, syrup and stuff?” Tobin offers, moving on to the pancakes. 

 

They’re eating breakfast side by side on the couch, a blanket draped over them to fend off the chill in the air. 

“I guess we’re gonna have to turn the heat on,” Tobin comments, taking a sip of her coffee. 

“Yeah,” Alex nudges her, “it’s my first winter here, I’m not used to the cold.” 

Tobin grins and leans into her, “I’ll keep you warm,” 

“You’ll need to,” Alex grins back, “hey, can we make a snowman when we get enough snow?” 

Tobin laughs, “Sure, where did that come from?” 

Alex shrugs, “I haven’t made one in years.” 

“We should make one holding the Shield and a soccer ball.” Tobin suggests. 

“We should do a snowman holding all sorts of crazy things!” Alex says excitedly, “We could put a jersey on it too!” 

Tobin smiles at her, “I can’t wait for snow.” 

“Me either,” Alex grins back. 

When Tobin is done eating, she lays her head back on the couch, yawning, her plate resting on her lap. 

“Tired?” Alex asks, wondering how she feels after such a horrible night. 

“Yeah,” Tobin replies with a frown, “I slept like crap.” 

“I know, you were all over the place,” Alex agrees. 

Tobin turns her head to look at her, her eyes tired behind her glasses. “I’m sorry, I should have come out to the couch or just gone to the spare room.” 

“No, I wouldn’t have slept if you left,” Alex insists, “are you okay?” 

Tobin nods, “My mind wouldn’t shut off,” she says sleepily, “it was bouncing all over the place.” 

“Why don’t you take a nap and I’ll get the dishes,” Alex offers. 

“Why don’t you nap with me and we’ll do the dishes later?” Tobin replies. 

“I’ll do dishes first and then join you.” Alex says, picking up Tobin’s plate, “I won’t nap knowing there’s dishes to do.” She smiles. 

“Okay,” Tobin agrees, “Thanks.” She slides over to lay down, pulling the blanket over her. She’s out before Alex gets the water running to do the dishes. 

When Alex finishes her chore, she walks over to the couch, peering intently at Tobin. She’s sleeping soundly, looking peaceful except for that damned crease on her forehead. She’s curled in a ball, knees tucked up on her side, hands under the pillow, so Alex exits the room and returns with her laptop. She slowly lowers herself on the end of the couch, pulling the blanket out and sitting near Tobin’s feet. 

She checks her emails and returns a few and pulls up her calendar, thinking about the holidays. Her and Tobin haven’t discussed it yet, but they need to figure what they want to do. Since Tobin doesn’t fly, it hampers planning and that’s something Alex needs to get used to. She’ll never attempt to get her on a plane, but if Tobin wants to try, she’ll be by her side. 

She doesn’t want to push her into doing something that could be traumatic and fearful. 

She thinks if they hung out in California for awhile that would be good, staying with her parents for a while, her sisters and maybe even Perry. She knows her and Tobin have made some headway in getting their relationship back to normal but she’s not sure if it’s at a place where either will be comfortable with each other under one roof. 

They really have to talk about what they want to do. 

Eventually, Alex grows tired, closing her laptop and placing it on the coffee table. She pulls the pillow from behind her back and sinks into it, moving her legs slowly behind Tobin’s back. Under the blanket, she places her hand on Tobin’s shin, rubbing it softly, letting it lull her sleep. 

 

Alex wakes up to a sock pressing lightly on her cheek, tapping against gently. She opens her eyes to see Tobin grinning at her. 

“Ew!” Alex says, moving the foot away from her face, “What’s wrong with you?”

“Rise and shine!” Tobin giggles a little as she stretches, “Aren’t you starving?” 

“Well,” Alex thinks for a minute, “I am getting hungry. What are you making?” 

“What do you mean what am I making?” Tobin asks as she sits up, shivering slightly. 

“You asked, you cook.” Alex grins. 

“How about we shower and get dressed and then figure it out?” Tobin suggests wiggling her eyebrows. 

Alex nods, “I like the sound of that.” She says as she sits up, “The Champion would like to be carried.” She says as she stretches her arms out. 

Tobin barks out a laugh as she rises, then sits in front of Alex who wraps her arms around her neck. Tobin gives her a piggyback ride to the bedroom. 

 

 

Tobin tosses the dishcloth on the counter having just finished the lunch dishes and throwing their dinner in a crockpot to cook. Alex is changing out the spare room bedding and putting the sheets in the washing machine. 

They don’t have anything planned for the afternoon, so Tobin descends the stairs to the basement, grabs her box and sets it near the back door. She puts on her shoes, beanie and a jacket, takes the box in her hands and goes out to the backyard. 

Alex looks out the window after Tobin hasn’t come in for a while and sees her getting a rather large bonfire going in the yard. Noting the small table and oversized chaise lounger place near the roaring fire, she gets the hint and puts on her shoes. 

She gets an idea and makes some hot chocolate, pouring the drinks in thermal cups so it stays warm. She gets her jacket on and a hat, it’s not windy but it looks cool out. Carefully holding the cups, she spies a box on the ground near the lounger as sets the drinks down on the table and sits down. 

“I brought some hot chocolate,” Alex says as Tobin comes back from the shed with armful of cut, dry wood with her gloved hands. 

“That’s awesome, thanks.” Tobin says, giving her a little smile. That’s when Alex knows this is what Tobin was talking about. She’s preparing for something important to share with her. 

“Maybe I should get a blanket? It’s chilly even with this inferno you’ve got going.” Alex shrugs. 

“Yeah,” Tobin replies, looking her in the eyes, “maybe we can cuddle later.” 

“Okay,” Alex nods, giving her a smile as she heads back in, retrieving the thick wool blanket Tobin keeps in the back hall closet. 

When she comes out, Tobin is sitting on the side of the lounger, mug in one hand, a stick to poke the fire in her bad hand, staring at the box. Alex can see Tobin’s name written on it, she thinks it’s Cindy’s handwriting. She sits next to her, nudging her shoulder and giving her a smile when Tobin looks up. 

Tobin sets her mug down, “This is good,” she says, laying a gloved hand on Alex’s thigh, “hits the spot.” 

“It seemed like a good idea,” Alex says quietly. 

“Thank you for being so patient and giving me space these past few days,” Tobin begins, setting the stick against her leg, shoving her hands in her coat pockets, “I’ve just had a lot on my mind and I didn’t want to distract you from the game and all.” 

Alex is silent for a moment, “Thank you for putting me first but you didn’t have to do that, I’m here for you anytime, you know.” 

Tobin looks at her, “I know you are, but, like, I think I needed some time to process this, too.” She says slowly. 

She turns to look at the fire, “Last week when your plane skidded off the runway and we got home from the hospital, when we went to bed, I was a mess.” Her knee begins to bounce a little. “I had some pretty horrific nightmares ones I haven't had for a long time. The same ones I’ve had for years about the plane crash.” She pauses, Alex leaning against her side. “This time it was different.” 

“This time they were about you. Not Christen.” She says turning to look at Alex again. “I remember a lot of it, the crash, seeing everyone dead, searching to find you, crying for you, knowing you were dead, holding you like I did Christen.” She flinches at the memory. “But it was you.” 

She flicks away a tear. “It freaked me out,” She picks up the stick and pokes at a log, shifting it further into the flames, “on one hand, it was like, amazing that it wasn’t Chris, you know? Like, I made a hurdle over it, or something, and on the other, it was terrifying that it was you. I was so scared, I thought I lost you.” 

Alex sits quietly, listening intently. 

“When I talked to Jo, I told her how freaked out about it I was and she smiled.” Tobin shakes her head. “She told me it was my subconscious telling me, in a truly fucked up way, I was ready. Not ready to forget about Chris or anything, but ready to make the choice of loving you.” 

Tobin places the stick against the lounger and leans forward, resting her elbows on her knees, staring into the fire. “We talked a lot about that. Me and you. She’s a big fan, by the way,” Tobin looks over at her with a smile, “she thinks you’re awesome. And so do I.” 

Tobin slides off the lounger onto her knees and scoots in front of Alex, taking her hands and holding them softly, her gloves warming Alex’s hands. “Lex, I know after my nightmare it was you giving me the Valium and talking to me after. I know what I said.” 

Alex looks down at her, nodding for her to go on.  


“I want it all with you, I do." she says earnestly, "But maybe it’s too soon to get married?” She looks up at her, her eyes wide, hands trembling slightly, fear on her face.

Alex squeezes her hands, smiling at her. “I want it all with you, too. And like I said that night, I want to be with you in every way and I can’t wait to slide a ring in your finger. I think we both could use more time, for us to be together, for our friends and family to see us together, and for us individually to be completely ready to be together.” 

The relief is evident on Tobin’s face as she leans forward to kiss her. “I love you,” she says whispers. 

“I love you, too,” she whispers back kissing her again. “We have time and I’m not in any rush.” 

They stare at each other for a long time as their smiles grow larger as the minutes pass. They hug and kiss again and then Tobin turns her attention to the box. She pulls a small knife from her pocket and slices through the tape, leaving it unopened. 

“I don’t really know why I have this box,” Tobin starts, “I don’t even really know what’s in it. I think it's my stuff from the crash. My Mom just boxed it up and it was at my condo and then came here with me. I guess I was holding on to any memory I could.” She shrugs. 

“But now,” she says as she slowly opens a flap, “now I feel like it’s holding me back, you know?” she looks up at Alex, “like, I need to put this part of me at peace, and that means going through this.” 

“Makes sense,” Alex agrees with a nod. She lays a hand on Tobin’s shoulder as Tobin opens the rest of the flaps. 

Alex can feel Tobin take a deep breath as she pulls a white plastic bag from the box, laying it on the ground, opening it carefully. She reaches in and lifts a USA jacket, torn and stained with dark maroon spots, folded awkwardly and stiff from the dried blood. Her warmup they were all travelling in that fateful day. Next is the pants, her shoes, socks, bra and underwear and finally her bloody shirt, cut from the medics or hospital staff. 

She chucks them into the fire, the flames eating them instantly, creating a small amount of dark smoke in the late afternoon sky. She sets the bag aside and moves on to the next item, the neck pillow. 

She holds it in her hands, “I forgot to take a pillow that day,” Tobin muses, as Alex rubs her back, “Chris made me buy this thing and I think it saved my life.” She looks up at Alex, “I put it around my neck backwards,” she explains. It was a tan material, stained dark on one side with blood. It hisses when it meets the flames. 

She lifts her beloved orange backpack out. It’s torn, frayed edges with blood stains and burn marks covering it. It makes Tobin begin to cry, tears coming her eyes as she examines it. Looking carefully at it from all sides, opening the zippered pockets, finding nothing in each one, having been cleaned out long ago.

Alex can smell the mix of jet fuel and smoke from where she sits, still rubbing Tobin’s back gently.

Tobin rises slowly, holding the pack with both hands, walking around to the other side of the fire, facing Alex. Alex sees the sorrow in Tobin’s eyes as she stares at the backpack, knowing she’s thinking about all of the memories it holds.

She tosses it on top of the fire, the flames hungrily lick at it, then consumes it, engulfing the backpack in flames and sending the fire higher into the air. Tobin’s chest heaves as the tears come as she watches, then she bends down, grabs another log and places it on top of the pack. She puts another one and then a third, staring at it as the flames send dark smoke up into the sky. She takes her gloves off and tosses them as well, wiping her face before coming to Alex. 

Alex stands and embraces her tightly, feeling emotional as well. They both cry out at the memory of the crash, for those they loved and lost. They both cry for how their lives were forever changed, the people they hurt, the decisions they made as they tried to heal. 

As the tears slowed, Tobin moves next to her, arm around her shoulder, both of them wiping their faces and sniffling as they watch the last remnants of the crash burn. The air is filled with an acrid smell from the materials burning, and Tobin looks around. She drops her hand from Alex’s shoulder and nudges her. 

“Come on,” she says, tilting her head towards the side of the yard. Alex follows and watches as Tobin scoops up a pile of leaves gathered near the short wall is next to where her grill stands. Alex takes the hint and does the same, both tossing the dried leaves into the fire at the same time. They both go back and get more leaves and stand across from each other, Tobin giving her a small smile before they drop the leaves on the fire at the same time. Tobin comes around again and leans against Alex. 

“I love you, Lex,” she says, kissing her softly. 

Alex guides her back to the lounge chair, moving the blanket and sitting down, sliding over and extending her legs. Tobin cuddles up next to her and they both work the heavy blanket over them. 

They’re quiet, just watching the fire burn, hearing the crackle and pop of the logs, seeing the smoke wisping upwards in the air. The yard is filled with the pleasant smell of burning leaves. 

“You know,” Alex says quietly, “I was jealous of you for along time after you and Chris got together.” 

Tobin tilts her head closer to her, “Yeah?” 

Alex nods, “I knew instantly that you were totally in love with her and it hurt.” Alex says, “Even though I had Serv, I knew I could never have that type of love with him.” 

“Why did you marry him?” Tobin asks softly. 

“Because I was scared of my feelings for you and he loved me and deep down I think he knew I didn’t love him as much as I should, but he settled for whatever I could give him.” Alex shrugs. “I’m sorry for how I treated you, I was so scared back then.” 

 

“Lex,” Tobin says, moving her hand out from under the blanket to lay her fingers on Alex’s jaw, looking into her eyes, “it’s water under the bridge, okay? Let’s live in the now, and move forward together.” 

Alex nods, too choked up to speak. She holds Tobin’s hand against her face and kisses her. 

“I love you Tobin.” Alex says when she regains her composure. She feels Tobin’s head move closer so they’re side by side. Alex brings her phone out, opening the camera app and holding it arm’s length. 

“Smile,” she says and snaps a couple of shots of them.  
She scrolls through them, leaning back on the lounger, heads together, seeing Tobin’s big smile and her brown eyes alight with happiness, looking once again like the carefree person she was. Alex is taken aback at how happy she herself looks, her blue eyes crinkled with a smile, looking so incredibly happy. 

“If someone were to ask you what we are, what would you say?” Alex asks Tobin. 

“I’d say we’re together,” Tobin replies, Alex feeling the small shrug from her warm body. 

“So, you’d say that Talex is real?” Alex presses, thinking of her conversation with Christen. 

Tobin’s eyes go wide for a moment and then almost twinkle with amusement, “Yeah, I’d say Talex is real.” She grins and let’s out a chuckle.

“Really?” Alex laughs, knowing that Tobin thought the ship name was silly. 

“For sure,” Tobin laughs, “Talex is real!” she shouts out into the yard. 

“So, would you care if I posted that?” Alex persists, wanting to be on the same page as Tobin. 

“You can post it,” she kisses her, “you can put it on a billboard,” another kiss, “or I will put it on a flag and plant it at the top of Mt. Hood.” She kisses her again. 

Alex laughs, being tickled from Tobin’s hair against her neck. 

She pulls up her IG account and posts the photo of them and writes her simple message. She hits post and then lays her phone on top of the blanket. 

“Talex is real,” she says as she draws Tobin in for a deep, passionate kiss. 

Their kiss is interrupted by a sudden whooshing of air, swirling the leaves around the yard almost creating a mini tornado of leaves spinning, fanning the flames of the fire. The two are startled at this abrupt movement when they both hear the unmistakable laugh of Christen Press around them, her perfume engulfing them in its’ scent and then her joyous voice laughing as she exclaims “Finally!”  
The yard goes still as the laughter fades and the scent of burning leaves comes back to greet them. Alex and Tobin both turn their heads to each other, staring with wide eyes and open mouths. 

“Tell me you heard that!” Tobin states, her voice urgent. 

“I heard it, felt it and smelled it,” Alex admits, a tear trailing down her cheek. 

“Thanks, Chris,” Tobin says softly in an uneven voice, tears in her eyes. 

They both exhale the breaths they were holding and look at each other. Tobin smiles at her as she sniffs, beaming at her. 

“I guess we have her blessing,” Alex smiles back at her. 

Tobin nods, the tears falling, smiling as she says “Yeah, I guess we do.” 

They snuggle close and quietly lay there, lost in thoughts, smiles on their faces, holding hands under the blanket as they watch the fire burn lower as dusk settles over the yard. 

 

Fini

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, friends. I am truly so grateful for your kudos and comments. Thanks for following along and reading the angsty ramblings. 
> 
> I'm leaving this open as I think it might be wise to check back in with these two down the line, who knows? We'll see. 
> 
> Thanks again,  
> MT


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